Solitaire

[27 Dec]

Going back home today from church was the most "real" and lonely journey I have ever had in a long time. Usually I'd be alone, or at least have music in my ears. But today, I waited after church for Ming to finish his tithing settlement. After that we stayed back for some time so onson could drive us back. We ended up talking all the way, with the exception of me. I slept all the way. 

In the end he couldn't drive us back, so we had to take the train instead. Okay. Reached Newton MRT and waited for daniel's girlfriend because she wanted to go to Woodlands to change her watch or something. Waited for a while only. So yeah. There I sat on the bench. Daniel and his Girlfriend on my left, Ming and Trish on my right. 

Yeap. Ming told me "eh don't lonely leyh" but what good did that do? I just laughed out loud, sneaked a smirk, and laughed on the inside at myself about how ridiculous this situation was. 

I waited over 2hours to practically go home alone. 

On the journey back home, I stood for a while, then found a seat, slept for a bit, and then stayed awake for the rest of the time, all the while staring blankly outside the window opposite me. It took me a lot of effort to not look at just one spot and let my mind wander. I didn't want to look like I was the odd one out, but I guess it's something that couldn't be avoided no matter how much any of us tried. 

Well, too late for any of that now. 

Everybody alighted at where they should, and so did I. Walking back home was so much easier once I had music in my ears. Everything felt so much more normal now (even though at the back of my mind I knew nothing had changed). 

Oh well. I should have just gone home on my own first if I knew things would turn out the way they did. Perhaps I should hang out with couples less often -.-

I'm falling, falling, but I wonder if anybody's there to save me

[22 Dec]

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good by myself"

Lieing here in bed, just chilling and resting, because today was such a crazy day. Took the cadets for their bandaging and immobilisation test for the whole morning all the way from 8am till 12.30pm without any food in my stomach. Started KED in the afternoon from 2pm onwards till 4+pm, then had a 4km run immediately after that. Front scout (again) and it made me super shag. It's been so long since I've ever exercised, then suddenly one 4km come out, plus tio front scout also...die lah...didn't eat dinner at cookhouse because there was turkey in the mess (for Christmas!!). So I went there after the whole day ended. 

Helped myself to turkey 😏😏

Ate as much as I wanted, as much as I could. I saw the pretty ME2 Ting Ting at the mess!! But okay. She left soon after. I watched some TV, enjoyed the aircon for a while, then figured out that I was still tired and dirty and sweaty, so I forced myself to leave the comfort of the sofa, and go back to bunk to shower. I was pretty tired so I just sat on my bed and leaned against the wall. 

And then I fell asleep. 

I don't know how long I was our, but I woke up kinda groggy, and almost asked Ridhwan if the shower was cold. Lol of course it is cold. It is forever cold. Dragged myself to the toilet and took a good shower. The cold water made me wake up. 

Took a slow slow ending to the day...but I'm still stuck in my head. Stuck in my thoughts and my emotions, and I can't get myself out. Really really need to find a way to get out of this mess...

  

Poison

[18 Dec]

The poison of being in love cuts down deep and kills you slowly. 

When you know what it's like, that joy and freedom, and suddenly it's snatched from your grasp. 

Over time, you crave for those moments again. 

You do what you can to relive or resurrect those precious times.

But it never happens. 

Only to have the memory haunt and taunt you. 

[20 Dec]

I dreamt that I had you. 

He asked you out for a date, but you told him that I had already asked you. 

Librerating. 

[22 Dec]

It's your birthday today. 

I wished you over WhatsApp. 

You were online the whole time, but only read it 40minutes after. 

And you left me hanging. 

Why do we still go back to the people from the past? Do we not move on, dying to live in the future, unbound from these skeletons that haunt us from days gone by? 

"Say something I'm giving up on you"

Time for a talk with Alison. I can't keep this in me any longer. It kills. This poison that takes us all, in one way or another. And why is it that the antidote for this poison is itself? What logic is this? Do people combat unhappiness with itself? Do people end being overburdened with workload by tasking themselves to accomplish more? Do governments end poverty by spending more?

So why is love the antidote for the lack of itself? I'm haunted by the past, and it's eating me alive. 

reflect

[16 Dec]

Boring route march last night. Assigned to be front scout again, although that probably suited me the most. I didn't wanna interact with the cadets because they keep disappointing us. Yeah, either front or rear scout for me. 

Showered, began to air my uniform, changed up to admin then went out for second dinner with CSI and the other Instructors. He treated all of us to prata because he got his bonus already!! I had the usual egg cheese floss, but decided to try the chocolate prata. Not what is thought it would be but it was alright. Dinner was great. Didn't think that CSI was so funny since he always was very strict in carrying out his duties. But as we had meetings and discussions, I have found out that he's actually a really pleasant person to work with. 

Went back to bunk after all that, brushed teeth, use phone a bit and read some manga, then went to sleep.

I dreamt about you. I dreamt that we were just hanging out, chilling. He wasn't there, which made the world of a difference. We were so cool. We were going places, and just talked all the way through, enjoying each other's presence. 

But then I woke up. I checked the time, and it was 0535hrs. One of the junior Instructors was supposed to take breakfast this morning, but was on leave so he left last night. He assigned someone else to take breakfast for him, but when I looked over, the guy was dead asleep. I contemplated for half a minute on whether I should let this guy "miss" taking the breakfast or not, but decided to just do it in his place. I brushed teeth, washed my face, drank lotsa water as usual, then went back to bunk to put on my shoes. But the other guy had woken up already, although he was 2mins away from being late. I was all ready to go when he asked me how come I wake up. 

I said that he hadn't woken up to take the course for breakfast a moment ago so I had decided to take it for him. He said he got set alarm and that I didn't need to wake up (well it was the other guy who told me to wake up also in case this fella didn't wake up). Me being me, and my body clock always waking me up, I had gotten up. But since this guy was already up, he said that he would take the course for breakfast. So I let him take lorh. 

Firstly, I was quite annoyed firstly that I had woken up from that awesome dream. 

Secondly, this guy was supposed to take breakfast and had not woken up yet despite it being so close to the time that he needed to be downstairs. 

So, yeah. Bad morning. 

The course has lectures on for the whole day, and since I'm not the duty instructor for the day, it means that it's a full sleep in day for me. Yes, it's already 1048hrs now and I have not gotten out of bed. Shiok. 

refract

I don't know what's up with you. 

I gave the signals. 

You returned the signal. 

I returned them back to you again. 

But then you pushed me away. 

And so I backed off. 

And now you're back to sending me the signals again. 

Whaaaaaaaaat...

So today I just took them in, sent lousy signals back to you. Now I'm gonna wait. I'll see what happens. 

Perhaps today I should have taken you in, shown you more attention. But you were so far away, so distant...

tenth of december

Don't kiss me baby

We can never be

So don't add more pain

Please don't hurt me again

I have spent so many nights thinking of you

Longing for your touch

I have once loved you so much

============

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do

So I sit down and I cry too

But don't let her see

And she says 

"Ooh, I can't take no more"

Her tears like diamonds on the floor

Her diamonds bring me down

Cuz I can't help her now

She's down in it

She tries her best 

But now she can't win it

How, to see them on the ground

Her diamonds bring me down 

She shuts out the night

Tries to close her eyes

She can't find delight

Will she be alright

She'll be alright

Just not tonight 

Say something

[18 November]

How do I even tell you that I still think of you, that I wish you had never gone, that I should have done things differently, perhaps say some words I don't say often? It honestly feels like years since that time. I guess I still do really miss you. 

Anyway. Spent last Saturday with Jace and her family and other friends for her birthday. Reached at 1800 when I should have been there at 1700 for preparation. Her place so ulu. But so atas. Condo sia. The cars in that estate like for those people who use $100 bills as tissue. Then the name on the map and the name of the place she tell me are different. Circled around the area twice before calling her to check lol. 

It was fun. Being with my friends from secondary school. Qing Yi and Yu ting were there. Krylicia had to leave early. So I went back home with the two girls, had quite a good conversation all the way back. Probably the most proper conversation I've ever had with them even during secondary school. Well, what to do, we were talking about love and crushes and eye candies hahaha. And something that Qing Yi said made me think a lot. She said something like "sometimes you don't have to feel like you'd die without this person before you get attached. Sometimes you enter a relationship, and the feelings/love grows from here". 

General conference quote, "you don't marry perfection. You marry potential". 

Wow. 

To infinity and beyond.

[15 Nov]

2330hrs

It's been a while since I last made a post, and things are quite crazy now. So many disasters going on in the world. So much hate and anger. So much sadness and sorrow. 

Today after church we had stake YSA FHE, watching the movie called "17 Miracles", showing the hardships and blessings experienced by the pioneers f the LDS church. After that, I reached home and felt so tired after such a long day. I felt unhappy as well, partly because of what other people did in other countries, but also at myself. Watching how much the pioneers suffered, I look back at mine as see how stupid I've been. I also felt even more lonely than I already was. How to explain that? I don't know. But that's what I felt. I reached home, changed out of my church clothes, and just lay on the couch hugging my flute case, ignoring the wires and cables and bags and keys on the couch as well. I slept like a baby, but only for a short duration. It was late, and already time to leave home to book on. 

3 days of constant shouting. I hope everything will turn out alright after this. I just want to be happy. 

Book out on Wednesday. 

Lunch and chill with the Chank on Thursday (can't freaking wait). Possibly go CPF in the morning. 

Friday sundown fest pcon. 

Saturday sundown fest. 

I tell myself that I don't miss you. 

But I think my heart's telling me otherwise.

What do I do?

Into the past

How is it that even after so long, I'm still dreaming of you at night?

We were in an office that I work in, just doing stuff, then it was time to go home. Long story short, I enjoyed time spent together. I enjoyed it really well. It was like as if we were together. And it sucked. 

Maybe that's what my heart is wishing. But still. 

Sometimes.

[5 Nov]

I hate it. 

I hate how it always turns out. 

I'm tired of asking you out, but I still do, because you're an important person to me. 

School is always stealing your time. 

Or perhaps it's your way of saying a gentle rejection. 

But it doesn't matter. 

It's still a no. 

What I say won't change anything. 

As usual, I'll have to suck it up. 

What can I do?

It's not the first time this is happening, and I doubt it'll be the last. 

But it's alright, I'll just be waiting for time to pass in the meanwhile. 

Days, months, years. 

How will experiences such as these shape me?

Will it change anything between us?

I'll just go on my own. 

Do my own stuff. 

Be myself. 

I won't bother you so much. 

You're probably busy with school. 

And stuff. 

I'll just wait for you to text. 

Since that's how it most likely would be if I don't start. 

See how lah. 

Wanton love

[23 October]

[0020hrs]

Yeap, it's midnight. But today was a good day. Woke up to a slow morning at 1030hrs because it's that part of the course where everything slows down before the pace picks up again. Got called to help out handle the course because the duty instructor (DI) was busy doing admin stuff in the HQ office because he's the PS as well. Anyway. Did that, then got called to help out for admin stuff as well. Took me a long time to get that done but at least it was near completion. Sent the course for lunch, and took them back to lecture afterwards. 

Prepared for 4km run combined with the other medic course as I was appointed as Marshall IC. Quick crash course, then started running everything on my own. Took my understudy along as well since it would benefit him. Executed everything really well, and things turned out fine. Glad for that!! I like it when things turn out smooth in the end. 

Dinner, shower, end of the day. Got jio-ed out by Syafiq and aizad for late night meal at about 2215. By the time I reached it was already 2310. Talk talk laugh laugh until 2350. I reminded them of the time then we zao. Aizad drove me back to camp in his car, Syafiq rode his bike back. I'm not that close with aizad, but it was easy talking to him most of the time. He drove me all the way to the gate of the camp some more!! What a nice senior!!

Book in at 2357(?)hrs, then rode syafiq's bike from the gate all the way to accoms block!! WOOHOO BIKE LIKE FUN ONLY!!!!! Went up together to our rooms then I went to shower (again) and then here I am in bed :)

Now...

Wake up for 5bx at 0545hrs because DI is on off, and also because I'm the DI tomorrow. Gonna scold the course tomorrow. But I'll save that for later, maybe another time, for explanation. I don't wanna end the night angry. 

BYE. 

GOODNIGHT!!

Drowning

[21 October]

Shag shag.

Monday night book in. 

Tuesday evening route march, front scout. 

Tuesday night book out. 

Wednesday morning go to Redhill for instructor course assessment. 

Wednesday afternoon got called back to help out for IV because short of manpower. 

Wednesday late afternoon book in after having late lunch at home. 

Book in liao, change up quickly, go down to training shed. 

Reach training shed, only see two people doing IV. 

The rest?

All finish liao. 

Gg.com

BOOK IN EARLY FOR NOTHING. I say I'm alright with it, that it's just a small matter. It really is. But I'm just disappointed that I got called back even though you told me that there were other people to help. I asked "so still need me?" And you said "yeah it would be better!" and so I came. And now look. 

Nevermind. I said earlier that I was here to work. I still stand by what I said. I was sure that things like this was bound to happen. I just didn't think it would come this soon. 

Anyway. I need to let go of this. 

Small matter. 

 

Thursday PHC

Friday PHC + safety day + book out. 

Saturday morning swim with the diver. 

Saturday afternoon baptism combined with TP ward. 

Sunday confirmation for baptisee. 

-start of a new week-

My, my. 

Things are going so fast now. Barely have time to breathe. 

Cup noodle party

Siri party

Music party 

The night was fun

And I didn't know it was so nice to rest your head on someone's back lol like wth the things I learn in army 

Under the sea

[17 October]

Today's a beautiful day!! 

Started off the morning by going to a wake of one of the investigators at 0930hrs. Spent a good half an hour plus with her, Edlina and Aiwen. We talked, tried to cheer her up, but it was obvious that she was exhausted. You could tell by her sunken eyes and tired face. No matter how she smiled, you could see that there was something else. It was sad. But there is comfort in death. 

We left her and her family to go to the ward YSA activity at hyrum's house to learn how to make Tao Huey and Tao Huey Jui until 1200hrs. Pretty cool. Spent then rest of the morning doing that. Waited around for a bit then went to meet the missionaries for our weekly meeting. Last week was general conference rebroadcast so we had to spend more time to catch up on last week's stuff all the way till 1340hrs. 

Once that was done, Abish, Cinilla and I headed to Yishun mrt to pick up Bea. We all left together and headed to Bayfront mrt. It was there that we met Daniel and after some time, Aiwen too. We then headed off to the Art Science Museum (ASM). I initiated the invitation to visit the exhibition going on there, which was called "The Deep". Namely because it exhibits deep sea creatures from 600m down to the depth of 3000m. I have a few pictures but you can see my Instagram for that. Quite lazy to choose the others that I didn't post up too :/

We were supposed to go with Wong Ming and Trish too but they had errands to run first, so we decided to start without them. We met up with them afterwards anyway so no issues. We spent a good hour and a half in there, from 1530 all the way till 1700hrs. Really cool. Quite a spot for couples to date at. Nice and affordable too. It got a bit chilly but no worries if you have someone to hug or hold hands with. Me? I brought my trusty hoodie that Jaina bought for me in Korea hahaha. And I held my own hands. How cool ay? 😏😏

We makan-ed after that at marina square's version of Kopitiam. Just me, Daniel, Bea and Cinilla. Ended up we all bought the same thing. But sedap sia. 

After that we were gonna go back already, then while walking through city link, someone called out for Bea. I thought it was one of her colleagues or classmates, but then there we saw Ming and Trish. Jang Jang Jang. So we waited for them to finish their food while we chilled at a fancy bookstore with a wooden-concept. I like. 

After that, we all went back together by train but stopping by at a shoe shop that Daniel bought his Sunday shoes. I tried on a few recommendations from Ming and Daniel "just to see". I'm glad it was "just to see" rather than "see to buy" because the price of the shoe isn't what I would pay for this near a shoe that would be too precious and nice to wear to a Mission. In the end, we headed to the train and bounced back, except for Cinilla. I sat with Bea and Daniel, with Ming and Trish opposite us. I tried to sleep (I was so tired) and so I plugged in. Bea (who was sitting beside me) offered me her shoulder. HOW TO DECLINE RIGHT. So I slept while leaning on her shoulder. Freaking comfy. I slept like a baby all the way till Khatib, waking up twice because she pushed my head back. If not, it would probably have dropped and rolled onto the floor. 

They all left at their station, and so it was me and Daniel back home. We alighted at our own stations. By the time I reached home, it was about 2000hrs already. One whole day like that just gone. But I love it. Every second spent was well lived. 

Today's a beautiful day ☺️☺️

We don't let anyone steal our happiness

YAYYYYYY

Finally got my navy admin shirt!! Once I settle changing size of my air force one, then I'll have a complete set of the tri-service's admin shirts hahahaha yay!! Gonna go out jalan wearing them hehhehehe. So excited!!

Plan for this Friday is to hang out with Bea. She's been working so many Sundays that I rarely see her anymore except for sacrament only every month or so. So sad. So yes!! Going out with Bea later this week :) can't wait!! Gonna catch up and makan and talk. Ahhhhhhhh miss seeing her and how happy she always is. And since idk what's going on in her life these days and how she's doing, it'll be good to ask and find out :) I miss her so much!!

Okay but we're not together alright. We're just really really really good friends :)

No plans for the coming weeks, except visit with dad to see the doctor here and there on my off days. Maybe watch a movie here and there, just gotta find the people to watch it with. Idek what's on in the cinemas now.

Gotta change phone too. Stupid phone sometimes cannot take calls because it either doesn't ring/vibrate or it doesn't even show that it's ringing. Power. My plan can be recontracted as soon as January, so it's either I wait until then, or just buy one now. I'm looking towards the Xiaomi Mi 4i. Quite a pretty decent phone. So, I might just hope that this phone that I'm currently using lives on until then.

I'm not thinking of going back to Samsung mainly because of the Kies software. So hard to use, and so difficult to sync across. Not looking for iPhone because it's just sooooooo expensive. Although it's good and all. But meh. I don't mind people lending it to me, or selling it to me second hand at a price that I can afford. But anyway, my budget is pretty small, so I most likely won't ever touch an iPhone in my life. I just don't have the luxury of spending money of whatever I want because I'm gonna be paying for my own mission and also for my own tuition fees. Not to mention lifestyle expenses, and also driving license...man I'm gonna be spending so much...

HOW SIA LIKE THAT

But anyway. I'll make it somehow lah. Then if I get a gf there...wah I tell you for my breakfast I eat cardboard already sia!! Hahahhaha!! Anyway. No point looking so far ahead if I don't settle the present. Got so many things to work on!! Projects, NS, license, WTP, church callings...theyre all a mountain of things to worry about.

But I still want a pet :/ can I have a pet :(

Time flies on wings

[7 October]
[0211hrs]

The past week has been a roller coaster ride. Emailed Krystine, finally finished my small flute project, worked on my lower registers, starting a new project. I believe I had some good dreams here and there because I felt happy, considering that I don't recall any significant event that makes me noticeably happy. Shu hui's leaving already for her mission. I have less than a year left before I end NS, and then I'll be able to apply for a mission myself. There are some things I need to settle first before I do that. And I hope my medical checks out fine too...

Planning to meet up with some friends who I haven't met in a while, so that should be refreshing. My kpop photog friends who are always too busy to meet, church friends, perhaps my sec sch friends too (though only left one...). I should meet up with my karate friends also...

Well now that you're gone, perhaps I should find something that could fill up the hole left behind, as much as possible...

Hugs.

[24 Sep]
2228hrs

Going back to camp now, standing on the mrt platform. At this end, I look down to the other end and the take in how much the haze affects the air. It's horrible, it's clearly visible how much pollutants there are in the air.

In the train, I feel something tugging my mind. I don't know what it is, but it keeps my mind wandering, searching for what it could be. My family? My day? My friends? Something small but significant? Something recent perhaps, or maybe distant? I don't know. I search the depths of my mind but turn up empty handed.

Today was a good day.
Woke up in the morning refreshed, ready to get some things done (like completing the score I've been working on penning down). As the day progresses soon into lunch time, mom asks me whether I wanna eat macaroni and some chicken balls. I declined, and she asks me what then would I be eating. I said "I'll settle my own lunch". And I did just that. I had told her the day before that I would be going out today. And yeap. A little poorly planned on my side since I initiated it, but I'm glad I could meet up with chank today. It took me a little more time getting there because dad suddenly asked me to help him move some stuff in the house. I did, but then the dust got stuck on my pants. It looked horrible, so I just changed out to a different set of clothes.

Making my way to Jurong east, I had my N95 on. I could breathe clean air. It was a distinct difference, you could tell easily. I reached soon, and made my way over to ippudo at Westgate. I met chank at the waiting bench. Thank goodness she was there early. The queue, no joke sia. Talked a bit, just some catching up, looked through at what to have for lunch. Sui sui only needed to wait for one person in front. But even better, the lady taking people in asked us for how many, we replied 2, and then she brought us in.

Jump queue. Steady.

It didn't take long for us to order. As we talked more, and  I felt lighter. Not physically, but it was like a heavy burden just dissolved into nothingness. It was weird how it just disappeared like that, but it was such a great feeling. Here I was, sharing a meal with a person who's presence could pull off a stunt like that.

Magical.

The food arrived, and we dug in. It was wonderful, the meal and the company. Obviously the best thing that happened this week. After the meal, we walked around and just hung around different shops, entering a most part of them. We explored Marks and Spencer, and we saw this exquisite-looking coat. I asked her to try it on and heck, it fit her so well. I could barely contain it. I hope it didn't show on my face. She looked so beautiful in it. I couldn't bring myself to say it, me and my inexpressible mind. All I could do was just to appreciate the moment. And that was how I left it, coupled with "looks super nice".

We went around a few other shops.  Popular, Coldwear, Robinsons, Typo, here and there, and also popped by kinokuniya where she got strawberry-filled marshmallows. We sat nearby at a sofa, and just chilled and talked. She let me indulge in that bag of heaven, even half of it. But of course, I couldn't eat that much. I mean I could, but it's not like as if she bought it for me...it's just so I could have a taste of it. It's for her brother, so I shouldn't eat part of his share. But anyway. Just sitting there on the sofa was great in itself. It felt so comfortable sitting there with her, it just felt so peaceful. It felt like what a home should feel like. The feeling of peace and tranquility and safety and assurance. Best feeling ever. I wanted time to stop, I wanted that moment to last an hour more at least.

There was so much I wanted to do, wanted to say, but if I did, all it would accomplish would be to ruin not only the moment, but how things proceed from that time. And I can't have that.

I wish you knew what's on my mind. But somehow, wishing you didn't as well.

We walked back to the mrt, took the train, and then you left. The day was over, and I was sad that good things come to an end, but still quietly grateful that it ever existed.

It was refreshing, as if I had gone weeks without a shower, as if I had been starved of water for days, as if I was exposed to the elements for months. It was like an oasis, a safe haven. How did I ever chance upon such a gem?

But regardless. Having a friend as such is already a blessing.

Who's got my back now?

[14 Sep]
[2249hrs]

Waiting at the bus stop opposite yishun mrt.
Waiting for the bus that takes me to camp.
Waiting for the bus to arrive to take me away from this civilian world.
Waiting for the one thing that brings me to the one place where everything else just fades away.

Waiting for something to happen
Just so I could do something
Waiting for myself to react to something
Anything
Just anything that would make me who I was before.

I don't mind company.
But these few days, I just have the urge to distance myself from everything and everyone.
It's just those few that I really wanna see, really wanna meet.
But never badly enough to take any action.
I don't want to seem as if I'm desperate for company.
I don't want to appear weak, hopeless.
In times like these, I wish things could happen faster.
So I won't have to see anything happen for long.
At least the bad sad days go away sooner.

There'll be those days that I wonder what my role on this life is. What part do I play. What's the plot of my life. Who is my co-lead and supporting crew. Where do I go, and when do I go.

And then there are those days, like today, where I don't feel any one thing, but rather, I feel everything. One minute I could be sad, listening to sad music, and the next moment I could be having angry thoughts, needing to listen to a different kind of music.

I hate that. I hate how it seems like my mind can't make its own decisions on what emotions to feel at that moment, and so it throws everything around. It makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. Like as if any slight change in the environment could mean something bad to me. Not that it's really like that for me, but it's my unknown fear. I don't know of what it was that I was afraid of. And that sucks.

How do you fight something you have no knowledge of?

Who's got my back now?

We try too hard

Monday morning.
0012hrs.

I lie in my bed
Too many things going on in my head
Family
Friends
Army
Life
But I'm happy for one thing
That both Krystine and shu hui are leaving for their missions
Krystine is leaving in a few hours
Shu hui in a month
I'm happy for them
But yet I'm feeling sad that they won't be on my team anymore
Well, the world would have gained two wonderful ladies
To share the gospel to the world
I'm quietly happy for them.

Looking back to a few months, I've changed quite a fair bit. I see the changes slowly making themselves more pronounced. And as I still continue to change, I wonder how I'll be at the end of this phase. I hope I'll be better than who I am now.

Change is not free. Are we willing to pay the price for it? Are we willing to sacrifice the things we love for it?

Recently, times have been hard. I try to remain positive, and share whatever happiness I have with others who are feeling down too. I miss my friends. I wish I could see them more often. I wish for so many things, but I know that it won't be all possible...but still...

The feeling you get when someone hugs you, simply because they care for you and want you to know that they're there for you.

:/

Grown up Christmas list.

I need help.
I neither have the confidence to talk about it.
Nor dare I ask.
I wish living was easier.

I wish life was easier.
I wish it was easier right now.
I wish the world could be a happier and cheery place.
I wish being human wasn't such a tough thing to do.
I wish things were better than how they are now.
I wish people were genuine.
I wish they didn't wear masks of happy, untroubled faces.
I wish I could be anyone I want to be.
I wish there weren't any restrictions to be who I want to be.
I wish I could succeed in anything.
I wish for people to be there for me, just like how I'm there for them.
I wish for someone to think of me.
I wish for someone to hug.
I wish for someone to chill with.
I wish for someone to share silence with.
I wish living was easier.

I wish living was easier.
I offer hugs, because I need them too.
I hug you tight, and I wish sometimes that I'd get hugged back tight too.
I hope for better days, but keeping a positive mind isn't easy.
I lose myself sometimes, and I get angry at myself for that.
I wish living was easier.

I wish living was easier.
I wish that there was no sickness.
I wish that people couldn't feel sad nor angry nor depressed.
I wish that mankind was more courageous, more loving, more intimate. I wish that there was no bad in the world, only good.
I wish people only lived to be happy, to create joyful memories, and then die in peace.
I wish all the unclean things in the world just disappeared.
I wish you could just be happy with everyone you meet.

Why is this earth-life just so bloody imperfect?

Sachok

[30 Aug]

So my first time taking SUMMEX for the trainees need was kinda mad. Shouted like siao for three days straight. Lost my voice, but it was worth it. Was able to learn so much just being the one giving the pressure rather than the one being pressured. Get to see things from a different perspective...

Hospital attachment now, then later will be ambulance attachment. I miss being in an ambulance. The adrenaline of every trauma call you get really gets you in action. I wish I could go for more...but then again perhaps I could take it up as a small work thingy when I'm done with NS while waiting for my mission call. But the hours will kill me lah. Then also if I'm gonna take my driving, the hours are gonna be so irregular that it would be super difficult to plan my lessons and exam dates. PLUS hard to come to church too...unless the ambulance drop me off at church lah hahahhaha.

Trying times now for me and my family, but we'll get through it somehow. It's only a matter of time.

Can someone give me a hug please.
I most definitely could use one now.

Starstruckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

[24 August]

Hmmmmm I wanna listen to all my old songsssssss, bring me back to those days of groove and chill and soul and hip hop and angst (thanks but no thanks), the days when I was surrounded by music. Unlike now, only listen in the morning, lunch break, and at night before sleeping. Those were happier days :)

Sooooooo recently I met a really cool girl!! Maybe future girlf but nah not now~ Currently I think I needa improve on myself a bit more first (tips anyone?) before going into a relationship. But yeahhhhhh this person super swag sia just so attractive. Just observing her already makes me so happy hahahhaha!! Then again, hard to spend time together because army already taking so much time. But I guess can squeeze out some time to go out see movie or makan at least.

I could like imagine us together already LOL but please, can't let myself keep thinking that because what if "we" never happens then how? Cry and suck thumb lorh. Lol. Anyway nobody knows who it is (except one), so in case it never happens then at least lesser people to bother. Someone said that it's good that I'm dating...? But lol please the person that you thought I was dating already over liao hahahha. Either way now I also not dating anyone...

Lately I've just been hanging and chilling so yeah that's like my form of socialising. Money fly here and there because stupid transport fare so ex. At least like up the standard of transport lah...bus frequency so irregular and so long, mrt breakdown like free like that.

Wanna take driving license, take bike license, upgrade my diving license...like I got the desire ah but then no drive to go chase after it...but yeah lah wanna take driving no matter what. Gonna need to push/motivate myself to go chase for it. Do all the calling, scheduling and everything by myself. Leycheh sia.

After NS work for a bit...probably LG at adventure cove 吧...i don't see myself being an RA again. I mean like even LG can do RA sometimes...and all the fun people still there so at least not that bad. What's more my ex-colleague from long ago also working at aquarium!! So can makan together, just like old times :P actually quite lucky uh, to be able to keep in contact with those from the past. Like now uh still together with my flutes, once in a while go back SP train (bully people), meet up here and there...great times with great people!! ^^ chase away all the army blues hahahhaha.

So yeah. Looking forward to the future (somewhat) because I have no idea what it's like!! I would wanna see who I maintain contact with, and maybe see who I marry HAHAHHAA can fast forward anot please?? XD I wanna find out who that lucky person is who got the chance to marry me worh ROFL

Okay. I'm probably too tired already that's why talking nonsense hahahhaha

No chank you

[22 August]

The past few weeks have been crazy, learning how to be an instructor, adapting to the current batch of specialist course medic trainees, learning the ropes of how to run the course. Learning how to handle people, evaluate them, mete out punishment, motivate them, push them past their limits...it's all exhausting work, but if done right, is fulfilling. A lot of things to do lah, so that's why I haven't written any blog posts in a while...

For the first time, I've seen a regular keng for morning exercise and marching. She approached me one day for advice, and so I gave her advice. I don't think she knows that I'm watching her even more closely now. Either way, I'm not treating her any different than before. I need to be impartial. No special treatment just because you're a female sign on, not because you approached me for advice. But I really hope you improve yourself and don't end your trainee days the way you are now.

Route marches, runs, exercises, lessons, study sessions. The life of a medic trainee.

Institute today, no missionary meeting because they went for service project. Reached late because I cooked a late lunch and finished eating at around 1520hrs. Reached at around 1620hrs, so not too bad luh. Sat beside dimps and Trish and ming. Sian Bea not there. Anyway. Chank came in at around 1640(?) with someone in tow and sat on the right side of the table after stealthily walking behind the TV. Dumdumdummmmmmm. Normal lesson, aside from the fact that you kenna arrow by Pres Lai (I tell you he purposely one). After class ended, supposed to go say hi to the new guy, but nah. Not cuz I didn't want to, just that I'd rather not. Even though I know I should.

Because him being there means that I failed on my part. I'm not trying to dig up the past, but it's just that I was reminded of my mistakes. Don't worry, I'm still cheering you on :) but besides that, YES I'm still shy of new people. It's been like that with me for ages (literally), and it's hard to let go of. I'm just constantly shy of talking to new people.

Maybe me serving a mission would do me tremendous good. So anyway. We all took the same lift, and me being me, didn't look his way. But yeah. I still haven't introduced myself to him yet. I guess I should do that soon. Provided he comes to church again. I'll need to work on me talking to him though. Find some topics to talk about...idk, how do you even strike up a conversation with someone you don't know :/

Yeahhhhhh.

Yellow cow

By November, it would officially mark one full year of me being a champion, tolerating a very special someone's annoying nonsense. Before I enlisted, I said that I wouldn't be able to reply your smses often, so, "don't message me so much". I expected lesser smses, but the outcome was the total opposite. Sigh.

At times, I replied when I could, and other times, I didn't reply at all.

After a while, I reminded you that I was in army, and I didn't have a lot of time to reply because there were other things that I needed to do that took priority. You said "sorry if I was being annoying to you" and all, but the very next day, everything went back to how it was at first. It was like as if what I said didn't go through at all, except for a night.

You confessed to me, that you've "actually liked [me] for a very very long time already". I replied that I didn't reciprocate those feelings. After a while, I had a friend to be my "fake girlfriend" because you were still making advances. Alright, okay.

Through BMT, SCS foun term, and even SCS pro term, you were always there. I don't know if I should be happy about the fact that there was someone who was always there(?), or about the fact that the person was you. I only replied to those messages that needed replying, in the hopes that you'll get the hint that I didn't wanna spend precious time on things that bother me. The lesser time I spend on those things, the lesser it comes to mind. So, go figure.

But anyways. There wouldn't be a week that went by that I didn't get a message from you asking how army was, what I did today, or telling me what you were excited to do. I only replied those that were important for me to reply. Aside from those, i always ignored the messages.

You'd ask me for a dance when it's the guys who should be asking a girl for a dance. I'd either reject you, or would have already gotten a partner by the time you want to approach me. I stick in my group so that I don't get singled out by you requesting for a dance.

Other people would tell me to tell you off, over whatsapp, or right in your face. Would I do it? Nah I wouldn't (they say I'm too nice). But if I wanted to, I definitely could. If you cornered me, I most likely would, in fact. But then again, would I be capable of being so mean? In camp got someone tell me that I very mean because I never reply you LOL.

You don't seem to get the message. People say I should tell it straight to your face, saying "can you don't annoy me" or "stop being so annoying". Others said that I should block you on whatsapp. Others said to make mention to your parents.

You kick me, punch me, ruffle my hair (wtf), and you even poke me. And it didn't happen just once or twice. It happened on MULTIPLE occasions. Girl, we're not even a couple, let alone sparring partners NOR close friends. Even then, my close friends don't even do any of those -.- you make yourself comfortable with me when I'm not comfortable with you. You pester me to teach you karate, but I gently decline.

How do I respect you when you don't give me respect? How can I be a friend to you when you don't respect my privacy? How do you love someone you don't even know?

It's hard, I know. If I ever liked a girl and if she rejected me the way I were rejecting you, I'd hate myself for trying so hard for so long. But don't you get it? We'll never be together, and I'll never see you as anything more than a friend. Maybe you'll pass the level of an "acquaintance". So, please stop. It's almost been a year now, and I'm getting tired of your nonsense. I have so many new things to worry about, now that I'm posted out. I cannot possibly have time to entertain you. Heck, I probably don't even have time for a girlfriend (although I hope otherwise). Heck, I don't even have money to afford a girlfriend. Unless she's as much of a spendthrift as I am. And unless she sees and understands my financial situation.

It's time you took things slower. It's I've that you get my message. It's time that you stop chasing after me. It's time for you to move on. It's time for you to improve yourself. It's time for you to look around and observe others.

There's so much for you to do. Even if we were together, it would be too much for me to do, since you don't cooperate either way. I consider you "high maintenance" on the other extreme side of the scale.

You don't seem to put in the effort to groom yourself. I can handle weird people, but you're just on the extreme end. I do my best to be chill when you talk to me.

You wanna teach my class, but I can't let you teach. Your basics aren't even strong, how do you expect to strengthen and raise people up? You're mixing things up, things that should be "common knowledge" for people your age, things that should form your foundation when you prepare your lesson. So how, how could I possibly let you teach when you aren't ready? During that one lesson that you taught, I was so attentive, making sure that nothing went wrong. But things went wrong. I had to do so much damage control. You were probably oblivious to it all, but who am I to say.

But anyway, after all that's been said and done, I'm not ready. Not ready to regard you as a friend, as a person who can teach my class, nor a person whom I would teach karate a 1-on-1 karate class to. And neither are you.

[31 July]

It's been almost a month since my last post!! Time sure flies. I've been with the medic course for some time now as an "understudy" instructor together with one of my batch mates, but it wasn't long before we took on the role of a normal full-fledged instructor. I guess that's how it's supposed to be...

There's quite an amount of preparation that goes into each day, so it can suck time out of your free time. However, most of the other time spent is either playing uno or reading manga or exercising. That's why there isn't much time for me to write a post like this hahaha!! I have time now (0943hrs) because right now, the course is having an attachment at various medical centres throughout the country. I'm stationed at my own camp's MC, so I just currently chilling in bunk. The next timing is at about 1130hrs where they go for lunch. I'll bring them out early so they won't have to stay inside the MC for too long. It can get boring...

But anyway. Before booking in later tonight, some trainees jio me to go play L4D2 with them at lan shop near camp. I told them I on. HAHAHHAHAHAHHA. I guess I'll pay for leisure lah, I won't be too serious when I'm playing with them. If not later they sad lol #butidontknowhowtogoeasyonpeople

Hahaha but nvm lah. I'll do what I can to be easy on themp. It's to have fun, not to win. I think I really need to sleep!! I'm foist iddb-to even u n the ;ť

Tio lo

[16 July]

It's a Thursday morning and I'm awake at 5am. I take the guys for morning exercise at 5.45am and begin eating breakfast at 5.55am. The IC asks for a 10-minute breakfast.

Since I'm an understudy, I take on understudy roles. As of yesterday evening, I was appointed as the laundry ic. We work on a rotation basis, and share the key among the other laundry ICs every week.

My first task was to open the room for a trainee who booked in at night. I changed into my admin attire, opened up the room, and started to organise the whole place. It was so messy. Soon I picked up the trainee and passed him the stuff that he required (which I had already picked out for him) (see I so nice).

Ended up taking 7 more blankets for my guys who don't have (since we were all poorly equipped). Carried them up with farizal and he helped me distribute them.

Sometimes I wonder about what kind of a sergeant I should be. Then, after a long time, I'll catch myself and remind myself that I already have a role model: Sergeant Hambali, from my BMT phase. Cool, funny, casual, tolerant, understanding, hopeful. Yeah, that's who I wanna be. A sergeant that others can look up to and emulate. I mustn't go back to my drum major days. But if I need to, I will.

But it'll take time.

[12 July]

Sushi dinner with Claire (I should come up with a nick for you) last week on Tuesday, got affected by the train breakdown, so reached home at about 10pm wearing my army uniform. STEADY BO??!! The ride back home was memorable. Definitely one of my prouder moments as a Singaporean, as an NSF, while wearing my uniform. Definitely.

Not much happened last week aside from that. Probably gonna forgo getting the pullover since I don't see myself wearing it often in the near and distant future. Just as I thought. Definitely an impulse buy Hahaha. Kinda glad we didn't find a nice one XD

Friday dinner moved to Saturday, but ended up getting cancelled. Yeah. Gonna reschedule for another time but not now. Probably in a week or so then talk about rescheduling. Quite overdue already sia this dinner.

Now I instructor for spec course, so my nights end earlier, and got more time to do my own things.

New chapter

[12 July]

Tomorrow will mark the first day of me being an instructor in the medical Institute in the army. Looking at it now, it does seem like a daunting task, but I hope that I'll be able to overcome it just as how I do with other challenges that come my way. We just had last parade with the trainees, and so ridhwan and I both introduced ourselves. It felt weird saying "I am 3rd sergeant samuel" because I'm so used to saying "sct samuel lim". I'm not accustomed yet to calling the other instructors (who were my own instructors in the beginning) by their first name. Well, I'll get over it someday.

There's rahman here who was in the same diploma course as me, and there's a guy from raven (my bmt company) here too. I don't think I'll have to draw the line with them since it's pretty straightforward. I'm sure they already know to separate their work life from personal life.

These men that I train will be the face of the medical corp as they are posted out. They will be the ones to save lives and lead the way. They will be the pillar of support to those whom they serve.

So here's to a new life, many new lessons to learn and re-learn, responsibilities, duties, privileges, fun and laughter, disappointment and annoyance. I look forward to finishing strong.

Maccau

Book out on Friday, went back home use com until 7.30pm, follow mom reluctantly to old checkpoint to buy some storage containers, oovoo with my sec4 classmates till 1.30am while playing L4D2 with Ezra.

A late night disagreement was what ended the day. Went off to bed a bit annoyed, woke up to my multiple alarms in the morning. It rained, but I continued to have my breakfast. Somewhere somehow the disagreement from the night before rose up again. More annoyance. I quickly headed off to adventure cove with the YSAs. Right at douby I got a call which lasted for 45mins 3secs.

Real shit.

Was otp from douby all the way till midway of the boardwalk. SMS taopok all the way till the other late fellas arrived. Stood alone, sat alone, walked alone. I didn't wanna be around anybody. Everything was so stupid and unreasonable. I couldn't bear it. When we first reached vivo, some wanted to buy some stuff. I just stand outside with my phone. I don't know of how to be gentle. I don't know how to be kind. I don't how to be human.

I just stood there as I would have stood anywhere. And I just kept talking on the phone, not caring for anything in the world, not caring about how anyone would view me, how anyone would judge me. Totally didn't care. After some time, ming came out and picked me up when they were done shopping, so we headed off. I remained at the back, all the way from vivo to boardwalk to RWS. I only got off the phone when I was like 10mins away from acw.

So yeah.
Really bad start to a day that should be filled with happiness. Ended up having to leave early to help clean the church building. Sigh. Really annoyed.

Why like that one huh -.-

Buat bodoh

[2 July]

"All I wanna be, all I ever wanna be, is somebody to you."
Whoever you are, let me know who you are. Some things can wait, but matters of the heart are a different matter.

Anyway. Book out on Tuesday, chiong to band, went all the way up to the gate, but the security guard didn't let me in. I asked them if the band left already, they say left already. I said that my source told me that they ended only at 6pm. But they insisted that they had already left. I asked if the teachers left already, they say all the teachers left already. If all the teachers leave already, then who lock up the school? Who ensures that all the keys are returned? Who makes sure that all the students left the premises already?

Please lah, you lazy to check my name whether inside the alumni file only then just say. I chiong from camp wearing my no4 all the way to school to see my juniors, and then you give me this.

Even better. The bus at yishun at 6.30pm still can see my band members carrying their concert uniform taking the bus. Champion. Still can say all of them left already. Steady lah.

Anyway. Trying to get there by either Tuesday or Thursday latest. At least hear them play everything once through. They're gonna be performing at Gardens by the Bay, so I'll really wanna be there. Back in my days, we never had the opportunity to have external exposures like these. They've really grown so much. I wish I could, but oh well. What can I do, right?

Anyway helping SP karate club get some medics for the upcoming competition... I would go if it were a Saturday... But too bad it's on a Sunday. I could have earned some extra money. And can put to use my medic skills also...meh. Hopefully everything goes well.

Ralph.

Messy messy messy.
I don't wanna be here.
This isn't what my off day is used for.
I should be relaxing, not working.

Why am I doing this?
Why am I in this position?
Why am I assigned with these duties and responsibilities?
Why am I in charge?
Why am I here?
Why am I doing what I do?

Who am I to you?
Why are you so complicated?

Dunked.

Yesterday was a happy day. A happy afternoon. An ecstatic evening. A horrible night.

I should be happy and feeling overjoyed now.
But it isn't the case.

Stop taunting me.

"God doesn't create wrecks"

[27 June]

But it seems like I'm making a wreck of myself, and I can already see the cracks spreading out to form a web. It's slowly affecting my day, my routine, my mood. And it sucks. It really does. I know I can be so much more, but I'm just stuck here and slowly degrading into something that I and others ever wanted me to be. Why is it affecting me so much? Something that others would consider inconsequential could make such a big difference in my life. Is it really inconsequential? Insignificant? 

It indeed has been a large part of my life, affected so many decisions, affected my lifestyle, the friends I choose...im here going through the same questions once again. Funny how sure I was that the decisions I made would last me a lifetime. 

Are decisions so short lived?

I'm down at the point where I could pretty much settle for anything that could make me happy. But of course, there are some things that I know I mustn't do. But, I just don't know how long I could last on my own. Besides, isn't the human spirit supposed to be full of life and willpower, devotion and inner strength?

Had SCGP just 2 days ago, really wanna blog about it. But not now. I need to clear my mind and set my path straight. I don't see me being satisfied with anything until I get these stuff sorted out. My oh my.

Into the valley of the future, rode the 600

[24 June]

For the past three days, it's all been rehearsals back to back for tomorrow's parade. It's crazy tiring. But at least not do bad, we pretty much are quiiiiite ready for the parade by Tuesday. Just some small adjustments and we would be about 70% done already. According to my standard lah. I love parades so I really want a good show. Aim high!!

The people around me are from the support side...mostly are men who converted to sergeants. Unlike the rest of us medics, we went through foun term first then got posted for as medic spec. For them, they didn't have foun term. So that explains their different attitude. We can do things that they can't, and we so things different than them. Not because we are special (well we kinda are), but because they have a different attitude towards many things. We medic specialists are really bonded. These guys are a different story. 

And we are marching together with them in the same contingent, possibly just because we don't have enough numbers to make up a contingent. Sad story. I tell you, if we had a contingent specially for medics, we would totally rule the whole parade. For sure, we would be the most satki contingent. We everything will do sui sui like kilat only. Haiyoh. We have our pride as a medic, but the organisation doesn't allow us to express that pride. SAD RIGHT??

But whatever lah. After parade we'll spend time taking pictures with each other. Our last few moments with each other together as a course... I'm gonna miss them all. Gonna miss the times we shared...

Anyway. I've got my parents coming, and about 4 others. Too bad they're all girls. I hope mom and dad don't get the wrong impression. I really got invite other guys but they all cannot make it in time. And these are the few who could... And among them...jangjangjangjaaaaaannnnngggggggg. I guess I should pre-em my parents first so they don't think so much XD

Today it rained in the morning while we were on the parade ground running through the full sequence. But being the soldier that we all are, we continued on until the end of the first half where we march off. Most of us were soaked, our berets were dripping with rainwater. Macam garang sia, like infantry like that XD then went for lunch wet. Anyway. Taopok not coming tomorrow. Basket. Already tell her ask parents early but then she never. Now got thing pop up so she cannot come. Sigh. How lah like that...tsk. Disappointed. The others seem quite steady. At most... It would be just my parents. Man. I really wanna have friends at my parade. Why is it so hard...i would drop my day's schedule for you all...

Hahhaha okay lah. I won't post pics here. Only on Instagram and Facebook. Since practically no one except YOU actually read my blog.

Don't blame me, I never had the feel to publicise it.
But I guess I should, some time soon.
Then all my moments would be revealed to the world~

Forward, to the past!!

[23 June]

Meet up with my sec4 class this Saturday!! I can't wait!! They're the best classmates I've ever had. Best bunch ever. Shared the band exco with them, shared the council exco with them too. We were practically going to school together, and then leaving school together too. I had Ezra and Nikki with me for seminary, class, band and exco together. Jace was with me in the same class and band ever since sec1.

Man, I miss school. I miss the times when we just hung out together. Grades were never a big issue because we always helped each other out.

I miss band. We sounded great playing together, shouting together, planning stuff for the band together.

I miss being in the council. Running each day as a committee was awesome. It really felt like we were really moving mountains when we planned for events.

I miss the teachers!! They were all so supportive of us. They answered every question we had and never got angry no matter how crazy our questions were. We joked with each other everyday.

The yearly class chalets we had ever since graduation were always awesome. We would hang out late at night and just talk, sing songs, watch movies, swim, barbecue... I really miss those days. We were really bonded!! Too bad that everyone is busy with growing up...army, University, relationships, work...

But it's alright. At least I still have my long time bros. The few of us shouldn't lose contact with each other. I really believe that we won't. 5years down the road, we'll still put in the effort to meet with each other. 10years is a bit too far to guess, but most of us should be married by then. It would be super cool if we had the chance to meet up, and bring our wives and husbands along XD

I wonder what the future holds for us :)

Sunday afternoon.

[24 June]

Brandon from army said that in primary school, he mixed better with girls than with guys, and that he had no guy friends in primary school.

I see a part of him in me. I do mix better with girls than with guys. Except the few. Maybe it's because girls are easier to talk to. And because of their nature. They have this happy aura-ish glow kind of feeling about them. And then after a while, I get all comfy and do/talk something weird.

I worry less when I talk with girls for the first time. Most of the time it's easier to talk to them than with guys. Conversations flow smoother. If I were to talk with guys, sometimes I feel the urge/need to portray this strong-willed guy. Quite simple because I'm not large in stature, and to some, I might seem weak and frail. Hence the urge to portrait an image.

Revisiting this topic again, it does some good for me. I get to analyse myself once again. I mean, everybody needs to do that once in a while. Have you been living the way you want your life to turn out? Have you been doing the necessary to make sure it does? Are there influences in your life that bring you further away from who you want to be?

I must admit, there have been quite a number of times when I needed to stop myself and take a few steps back. Tough, but necessary.

I wonder about a lot of things. I wish I could solve things by thinking about them, and then they would be rectified just as the thought went by. That would be pretty cool.

But whatever.
I miss convention.
I want to rewind to that Sunday afternoon.
---------------------------------------
Take me back to that day. I want to be happy again. I want to be at peace again.

Cow shit

This week was a big big mess.

Book in on Wednesday morning. From Wednesday to Saturday was all just lecture lecture and lecture on how to be a good sergeant. Also included vocational sharing. Super boring. Saturday came, vocational sharing again. Was told to do area cleaning because sergeant major wanna inspect (even though he wasn't in camp, heard that he would come back just to check). Clean already, waiting for inspection then news came that he wasn't gonna inspect. Basket. After that waited a while before heading down to book out. Supposed to be by syndicate level, from 1 all the way to 30, which meant I got to book out earlier than the others.

Next news we heard is that some people feel not fair. So now change to first-come-first-served. This was before inspection was cancelled. Other syndicates were already waiting for the (indented) buses below our block (which was the designated waiting area). Cluster there, then we headed down, then wait. After that got updated news that now they gonna see which syndicate handed in their book out forms first. We all not happy liao. Then after that updated news again that they gonna draw lots.

WTF. Just make up your mind. We learned how to suck thumb, but this really is too much already. You keep changing instructions every half hour wth?

So in the end we all draw lots. We tio first wave of buses and the last bus in that wave. Instructions were to take the bus, so all cannot walk out. But like wth right. Okay, fine. We wait. We eventually got on the last bus. Basket, supposed to be one bus hold one syndicate. End up we hold extra guys from other syndicate because got extra seat. Bugger then like that the last few buses won't have people already right then indent for what. Waste money.

But seriously, whatever lah. Get out of that camp can already. In the end got people caught for walking out, then the command team in charge of booking out not happy. So now because cannot identify who it was that walked out, he decided to punish everyone. So now everybody book in early. From 2145hrs become 2100hrs. Bugger. So that's Saturday in camp.

Went straight to church for institute. After that attended father's day celebration in church still. Ended about 8ish but left at 9pm. Freaking tired already by then. Some more ended becoming the last ones to leave because some of the guys wanted to play basketball and we needed to lock up. So then left late. Super shag already. Went home, wanted to listen to music but then got people mah so talk lah. Idw them to think I emo or what but I really damn tired so just such thumb and talk. Missionaries there also and they keep asking me about army. I'm like walao eh I'm super tired already and now you wanna talk to me about army, which I already had a bad day at. Last thing I wanna talk about is army.

Fine whatever, my missionaries, so I talk. It was so hard to pay attention to them. Firstly because they keep asking me about army. Then some more they talk so soft that I needa strain my ears to hear what they're saying. Walao eh tia bo sia...nvm lah I try my best. After that they alighted, then it was just me mom and a few others. They all alighted by sembawang so I finally had some peace.
Bluff.

Mom/dad ask me about what to do about this and that because we right now reno our house so now very messy. Can't cook also so I feel really restricted. Floor dusty like mad then must wear slipper all around the place. Fine. So they keep asking me and idk how to reply because idek what the place looks like. Basket by the time I reach home and shower finish, the time like already 2210hrs sia. Decided to forgo playing com and just do what I can to tidy up and organize the whole place. Had a bit of a tussle here and there because I was so freaking tired and my temper really almost blew up.

Ended up not doing anything to the place so I went to play com. Went to bed but was messaging my friend who shall not be named and then slept at like 1+.

Sunday wake up tired like shit. Go to church in cab. Supposed to practice song but no go because young men all haven't arrive (we only have 3) so me and gboy go help set up. Finish setting up then sac starting le.

Fast forward to after church, had home teaching, then went to grandma's place because home cannot cook, helped her with her phone problem, eat liao then lepak. Dad Skype with kor then mom fell asleep sitting on the couch and I was just talking with grandma. Mom woke up and dk wanna do what and then ask me to go sleep inside the room then I just kept shaking my head. She was so insistent. I told her "ma 9pm".

Walao she totally forgot that I need to book in today. Like wth man. But fine whatever lah okay if yall wanna take your time then I'm gonna go back first because I don't wanna tio from this stupid encik. In the end we went back tgt, I slept whenever I could, reach home wanna sleep but really rushing to pack my army stuff. Got quite agitated also because I'm rushing to look for my stuff that I need to bring when they're all over the house (because of the reno, mom/dad needed to move things around) so I need to keep asking and run around the whole place.

Only had 30mins to myself before leaving.

Really man.
This week sucks.
Had only 2hrs of relax time.
So annoying.
And even my 2hrs also not peaceful de.

Fade it out into the light

[19 June]

Looking back at the recent past, and I'm still left wondering what and who I was to you during that brief week. You've got me hanging. We exchanged numbers but it's always a one-sided conversation. Even now, I don't text because it seems quite hopeless. There's this nagging feeling everything before I start typing a message out that you would only read it, but never reply. And even if we were to have a conversation, I wouldn't know how to start one. Suddenly, I forget everything I know.

Perhaps I should take a different approach. But in any case, nothings ever gonna happen. We just don't have time for each other. You'll be gone, out of this place, and I'll be stuck here. You'll be in school and I'll be busy with my men. We can't give each other the attention we deserve.

Either way, I believe we're different too. It seems the path we're on now is the same one, but it branches off to different destinations somewhere down the line. Just like what was mentioned before, if you can change me, then you're the one. But right now, I'm still pretty set in my path. Unless a miracle happens really soon. And it's gotta be a powerful one at that.

But even I am having my reservations about them already.

Back here.

[17 June]

Booked in back to pasir laba camp, ended up in foxtrot with Daniel (from medic course), and we're staying on the fifth floor. Great. But at least it's only for a week and a half. Tahan only. We spent the day introducing ourselves, went through a few talks, lunch and dinner. Quite a good-ish day..? Aside from the fact that I was caught twice for falling asleep by my facilitator. Lol. Closed the day at about 6ish-pm. RO wasn't even formal. No one was there to manage us. OTOT lorh.

Picked a bed right by the window, and so now I have direct access to unblocked wind. Shiok sia. Got fan some more. Only problem so far is that this bed frame a little low, so must squeeze the towel in. A bit yucks, but we are army men!! We do disgusting stuff!! Hahahhaha XD the food here is still the same, and I heard from my BMT/SCS foun term guys that they still haven't fixed the non-Muslim side yet. Retarded. 3 months still haven't settle. Haiyoh.

Lights off supposed to be at 2215. Idky. Usually is 2230. And YES, those 15minutes mean a lot. Then again, this is pasir laba camp, we expect no one to check XD first thing tmr morning is 5bx and then 3km run (shag). We have the schedule already, seems like a boring week. Next week is practice whole day straight for the SCGP. And I feel lazy for it. I mean, my marching got standard one, quite up there de. Just that I'm lazy. Hahahhaha. Anyway if got chance for me to be parade commander or anything, I sure steady one. Ex-drum major sia don't play play. Can shout loud loud some more. My marching really up there one!! But haiyah I think I can forget about it lah. I shouldn't talk so much.

And since you're coming, I don't quite know what to do. Talking to taopok about my plans, and she say just go ahead with it. The thing is that the sister is there, and my parents are there too. So...it might end up a little awkward for the sister, and some suspicion might be arise in my parent's mind XD the others won't mind...it's just these three people I'm worried about. And because of talking to taopok, now I'm starting to think about giving you another chance. It's like what they say, my head says no, but my heart says yes. Cliché...but true :/
Anyway.
Pretty much slept all the way ever since ending the day at like 6ish. Must be because I slept at 0130hrs this morning, had 3+hrs of sleep then off I go to camp hahahhaha. Shag like mad hahaha. But I think I okay liao, pay off my sleep debt lo. Spent some time in between my sleep messaging people.

OH OH today I got caught for having long hair XD this bugger guy in charge of us pointed me out and ask me

"you!! Why didn't you cut your hair!!"
"huh sir I got cut" (I actually didn't)
"you call that a haircut?!"
-stare...-

And then...

He raised his glasses further up his nose bridge using his middle finger. Obviously he wanted to point it at me lah but he wanna 出 pattern only. Okay lorh. I continue to look at him. Then he say what wanna take my name and complain to my OC. I was like "erm okay lorh" but I never say out lah hahaha.

Later whatsapp message came from OC asking me why I never cut. I say "sir I ask them cut this style one. Not say long lah, I ask the guy to trim". (so it's actually just my sideburns that's long..? Thats why I say I "cut" that style) so yeah. After that, no message. Alamakkkk hairstyle small thing only then wanna make so much noise...in the end also not you keep the picture right...anyway. 小 Darren also kenna caught but his hair really long XD so during lunch we two go chiong cut hair. Sui lah $4 haircut then the uncle so nice and then he cut sui sui also #totallyworthit

So now my hair quite nice uh. Never cut like this before (because the barbers never get what I mean and then see them cut wrong I also don't care to cut again) but I yolo cut only and this guy managed to cut what I want!! Steady!! I'm ready for SCGP with my hair lo!! ^^

Aiyoh I think today quite uneventful lah. Don't kenna tekan can already. Booking out on Saturday evening. That's the worst thing that could happen man. Missing Institute and my missionary meeting -.- I just hate that.

Ncuskndhchcnks rage

I stayed up last night, typing out a rant post, fell asleep, woke up in the morning, only to find that it's no longer there.

Well, I'll just forget it. Won't bother writing it again.

It'll never be the same.

"就算了吧"

Jio you out to a nice, scenic, lepak, laid back, chill place where you have the sun, the wind, the rain, and the open sky all available to you, but you said no. I don't know if you're really unable to go because you have things on, or if you just don't wanna hang out with me. But it doesn't matter. Either way, if you had wanted to, you would have put in the effort. But here, I see none. So let's just leave things as it is.

I'm getting nothing in return, after all that I've done.
I'll leave you as you were.
그냥...

This week has been a horrendous week. Book in on Wednesday, admin stuff all the way till Friday, where we had our last tekan from the command team: stand by bed for 2.5hrs, and in the end only finding a few specks of dust. Waste time, waste energy, waste resources. Waste effort in controlling my anger. Everybody got so agitated, people shouting all over...not a pretty place to be in. Some of us missed our flights out of sg because of the standby bed, some had to cab to meet girlf (kinda glad I don't have plans). Rabak. So many angry people. I somehow managed to not let it show or affect me.

Woke up at 10am on Saturday, missed breakfast because dad said he was going to get but then come back in the end never buy. So he went out again (lol?) to go get lunch, and he brought back nasi lemak. It was around 1230hrs already by then. Left home at 1400 to be at church for mish meeting at 1500, went straight for institute at 1600, ended at 1740, then went straight to stake ysa post-conv activity at 1800. Dana and ethan were both at Institute so I spent the time in between talking to them (since they weren't attending the activity). For the activity we watched "Meet the Mormons" (yay!!), then had a dance lesson from Samantha and Jussi. I wasn't intending to go to at first but my friends were there so I just decided to go for it. Okay lah not that bad lah...since I partnered with bea all the way. Siao ah they ask me change partner sia then we both day dw hahahha. We have common problems XD so we help each other lorh XP anyway that ended well, and so then I looked up for Ben to practice a song that he wanted to play together with me. There wasn't a free score online, let alone one for a flute, so what I did prior was to listen to the video on YouTube and then pen down my part. Not easy, took some time, but I did it eventually. Took me just 3hrs!! :) so we practiced a bit...went back with the guys after that...

So Yeah. That's my Saturday.

"I believe in you and me and you"

[10 June]

Well. I'm supposed to be going for the barbecue this Saturday at chloe's...the main gang is gonna be there and so somehow I feel like I don't fit in although I'm invited too. I don't hang out and chill and talk with that gang so it feels weird lah, even though I was personally invited...i feel bad for turning down the offer though. I mean, how often do you get invited to barbecues for those who stay out of sg? It really is a privilege lah really but I just blew it over some stupid mistake I did during convention. This is my retribution lorh, seeing how kind-hearted I am. But stupid nonetheless.

Taopok trying her best to persuade me to go. She's really trying. But I cannot afford to be so selfish as to make myself happy at the expense of awkwardness on everybody's part. I'm pretty sure those who are going for the BBQ and are in that clique already know what happened lah. If I still go and buat bodoh, then I'm just really making a fool out of myself.

The main point is to meet you and have a proper conversation. I can't do that when you're so famous, when everybody's all around you. I'm just not as "up there" as you to pull off something like that. You may esteem me as such (idk), but perhaps if you do, it didn't come across to me. I guess I'm just as dense as that.

[11 June]

So, after a long night and breaking the rule of sleeping at 2230hrs, I found out that the barbeque has been cancelled. Even then, I'm still not able to go out with the one. I asked the wind a question, so we'll see what the sparrow says in reply. Meanwhile, I'll just play everything by ear. Nothing is solid as of now.

"be water, my friend."
But I'm probably as viscous as cold oil right now.

Talking to hard gay and taopok about it all. The main reason why it's them is because I spent my growing up years with them. From that small weird kid, to the one who shouts, takes charge and beats people up, they've both seen every side of me. And they're probably the only two to have seen all of me...hmmmm. Yeah. And they know more about me than my church friends lol. Ironic. I would have thought that my church friends know me the best. Sorry guys. I should let you all in more. Well, we'll see. See how things play out. The reason why I don't tell them everything is because of possible repercussions within the church if word gets out. Pride issue? Probably. But I don't wanna let my decisions and opinions affect the people who carry out such an important work. It's...detrimental. We all have an image to keep. Only a certain few see the real me.

So yeah. Hard Gay and taopok are both not from church. And they've seen more of me than my church friends, even though I spend lesser time with them than compared to my churchies. But I still love them :)

So back to the main topic. I'm playing on broken ice here, so it's kinda slippery. And dangerous. Since the people involved here are sisters. I'm slowly beginning to let it all slip out of my hands. I'm getting ready to resign. Love shouldn't be a complicated matter as this. But they say, if you really want something, you gotta work for it. I guess this one's someone I'm not that quite into. It might be better if I just forget about it all, and leave things to be the way I found them as.

Spending the night talk to the wind was quite refreshing. Talked about quite a lot of things. Learned some new stuff too. Sigh. I should stop being stupid.

Anyway, last day in nee soon camp tomorrow. Results were out today; I didn't get a golden bayonet, nor a silver bayo, nor beat results, nor best section. Somehow, for some reason, I thought I would be getting a golden or silver bayo. I was quite surprised and shocked AND SAD that I didn't get anything at all. Heck, Navy even turned me down. I'm not getting any of the things that I wanna get. If the Institute even turns me down as an instructor, then I'll really be left with nothing to say. Out I go to unit life. Shag.

Interview for instructor was very quick. I know too much of what my mind thinks. I spilled it all out when the interviewer asked me the questions. I let her know whatever was on my mind. No sugar coating. The cold hard truth. It possibly made me lose a few "points", but who cares anyway. I'm not here to let her her what she wants to hear. Ain't gonna polish your boots for you ma'am.

At least give me Navy lah. I told her that it's just not where God wants me to be. I was complimented for my optimism. But somehow, I feel like as if I'm deceiving myself. Perhaps I've been doing it for a long time already, such that I don't even see the knife that I'm stabbing myself with.

SCGP coming up soon. Invited only the close ones. Someone asked me if someone else is coming, and I said no. When asked why, I just said "I only got invite the people close to me". Sigh. I wonder if you'll come too. But recently, it's beginning to lose it's importance to me. Your attendance, I mean. But whatever. If you come, then you come. I won't know if it's gonna change me in any way or not, but we'll play by ear, won't we? I'm starting to get better at it already, with how things have been turning out lately.

I'm thinking, even if things head south, I'll probably still give you what I prepared for you. It's actually the coolest thing I've ever made ever since learning about power tools and designing. It's still really simple though, but I crafted it with my heart. Hopefully it would be something I could use to win you over.
Hopefully.

Worth it.

I decided to be boring this convention. To be honest, it felt really refreshing.

Hanging around only those I'm comfortable with, taking zero pictures on the official camera, not dancing a single step, not singing a single song, taking things easily during the games, eating whatever I want however much I want, not bothering myself about many people, talking only to people I know, blasting my own music in bunk, and ultimately, watching the sun rise on my own.

That really wrapped it all, the sunrise. Beauty undefined, beauty undescribable, beauty incomprehensible.

After all, I'm quite glad I had that attitude. I didn't need to put in much effort into socialising, and so I easily fell back into my comfort zone. It was so relaxing, just like how you'd feel being in the deep water, or at the bottom of a pool without having to worry about oxygen. So peaceful, so carefree. It would be nice to be back there again for the rest of my life.

But of course, it ain't gonna happen. I feel like I need to be extroverted at times, not only to enjoy the moment with the others, but also because if I don't, then I won't grow.

Then again, might as well stay this way for a while more. It's nice being here.

Just like a satellite

[6 June]

I've lost touch. It's so weird right now, talking to people. I guess I'm just too used to the army. Getting information quickly, being the one in charge, moving people around at my call.

I've gotten bad at communicating with others. I'm not as sensitive and aware of things around me.

I've become less of a human and more of a machine.

Hearing something I didn't wanna hear, pretending that it doesn't matter, but just keeping my tears from making any sound. In the end, having to put in more effort into things around it because I have to.

Now and then.

So, people shipping me and her together. I'm not sure man, it wasn't in the plans. The one I was going for was someone else, not her.

But who knows.

"Aim for the moon and hit the stars".
Perhaps the intended one is the moon, and she's the star.

Well, idk. It's too early to say now. I'll just have to bide my time and see where things go. I've learned my lesson to not rush into things.

Perhaps I've been out of it for too long. Maybe I've been too introverted in an extroverted environment that I've forgotten what it's like to have someone by you, and that I'm unknowingly searching for it.

Well, that does explain the recent events, I guess. In a way it does. Seems pretty much like it. But even if it is, it would be such a sad situation to be in, or even to have experienced. Being disconnected from the world, that is.

Now that we're sure once again that we're not getting back together, I'll go out of my way to not be in your way. I'll miss events, decline invitations, sit at a corner or just be with the gang. I'll give a simple greeting and move on, and it would be nothing more than that.

I can't even face you.
I don't think I could even hold eye contact.
Such a weakling.

II

I hate being alone.
I hate being left to my thoughts.
It is a dangerous place to be at a time like this.
It's when everything I want to dismiss surfaces back up again, staring right at me.
I try to push it away, but it follows me wherever I go.
I'm left with this poison that I concocted on my own with what I had.

When will I ever taste peace and joy? I shouldn't ask for more but it's been bugging me.

Blind and deaf.

[2 June]

Well, just before I meet taopok, I just gotta write things down.

Conv was interesting. Slept early the first time while the others were downstairs because I was just super shag. Marion forced me to go back to bunk to sleep. I resisted at first but eventually gave in. I had absolutely zero energy left.

Second night was different.

Well, looking back, I'm sure it was a mistake. I try to convince myself that it wasn't, but deep down I know that it was.

We're not together anymore, so basically what I did was something I shouldn't have done. If I had wanted to, it should have been a long time ago. Truth or dare earlier that night already had things ironed out. Wanted to have a word with you but decided not to.

But whatever I did on that night, I guess it's just me wishing that I could have the past back. If only things were the way they were before, it would be so much different...

So do I regret my actions on that night? Well, it's hard to give a definite answer. It seemed alright at that time because we established some stuff during truth/dare. I went ahead and did what I did. I enjoyed what I did because it was just rare for me to do it. But it was only on the way back home that I had time to think about it. I sat alone at the front seat, being the last one up the bus. I only had my music with me and the world of my thoughts.

I looked back and thought things out, and knew that I had done wrong. It most likely would have strained our relationship, we'll probably distance apart for some time, but maybe even longer than before. But it's alright, I'll accept it bravely. It's the consequence that I have to face for the actions I did. It all started at the reception after truth/dare, when the others were all far ahead, and you wanted to know who it was. I'm not blaming you, I'm just wishing that it never happened.

Well. Stupid of me to let things go the way they did. Most probably you weren't comfortable in the situation, but I had no idea of knowing so I just carried on.

Sigh. We'll have to talk soon.