Who's got my back now?

[14 Sep]
[2249hrs]

Waiting at the bus stop opposite yishun mrt.
Waiting for the bus that takes me to camp.
Waiting for the bus to arrive to take me away from this civilian world.
Waiting for the one thing that brings me to the one place where everything else just fades away.

Waiting for something to happen
Just so I could do something
Waiting for myself to react to something
Anything
Just anything that would make me who I was before.

I don't mind company.
But these few days, I just have the urge to distance myself from everything and everyone.
It's just those few that I really wanna see, really wanna meet.
But never badly enough to take any action.
I don't want to seem as if I'm desperate for company.
I don't want to appear weak, hopeless.
In times like these, I wish things could happen faster.
So I won't have to see anything happen for long.
At least the bad sad days go away sooner.

There'll be those days that I wonder what my role on this life is. What part do I play. What's the plot of my life. Who is my co-lead and supporting crew. Where do I go, and when do I go.

And then there are those days, like today, where I don't feel any one thing, but rather, I feel everything. One minute I could be sad, listening to sad music, and the next moment I could be having angry thoughts, needing to listen to a different kind of music.

I hate that. I hate how it seems like my mind can't make its own decisions on what emotions to feel at that moment, and so it throws everything around. It makes me feel weak. Vulnerable. Like as if any slight change in the environment could mean something bad to me. Not that it's really like that for me, but it's my unknown fear. I don't know of what it was that I was afraid of. And that sucks.

How do you fight something you have no knowledge of?

Who's got my back now?