well

HAI DER

meh meh eats grass

hahaha wow the last time i posted was about a month ago. ive been busy.
applying for jobs (kinda sucky) and going for interview (even worse).
but whats really horrible is that i dont have a job.
and it sucks big time because im just so picky about jobs after graduation.
i just really want something that i can be proud of.
but the thing is, jobs like those are hard to find. and so now im just really gonna go with whatever comes my way.
seems like thats the only way things can be after i graduate. since im going into army.

yesterday and the day before i went for this MLM company thingy. idk lah, sales never was my interest and i dont really like the idea of joining and MLM company and how it runs sometimes, though i can easily tell myself otherwise. but the idea of it just doesnt suit me. the only thing that keeps it in my list is that it can help me save up quick if im successful. or relatively successful i guess.

i dont know, i really dont know. i find that even a diploma graduate doesnt earn as much during this interim period between graduation and national service. and yes, im going in at the end of the year. and that sucks. drafted out a letter to gov and send to mom/dad for them to scan through before i send it out. hmmm. i hope i can enlist earlier. i really want to. im just kinda hopeful and anxious to serve NS. im not excited nor highly enthusiastic about it but im just hoping that somehow it will shape me to be more of the person that i should be.

the past weeks have been crazy everywhere i go. its just madness all around.

the only thing that im looking forward to is my diving trip with dad.
and maybe, just maybe, korea after that.

but nothing is confirmed except that diving thing.
but anyway. i gotta go, i have to go for another job interview.
while my other friends are already working -.-

#ldsconf

so.
#ldsconf

awesome stuff.
the saturday afternoon session and sunday morning session were the best for me.

OH AND I BROUGHT JAINA'S HOODIE ON SATURDAY TO WEAR BECAUSE ITS A NICE HOODIE. the nice yellow one from korea. from spao #aiseh. so it was during the afternoon session and i wanted to wear it. then mom randomly asked me for my hoodie. guess what?

she was cold.
so i took the hoodie out and passed it to her.
there goes..i wanted to take a picture of me wearing it and then post it up on instagram on the morrow when i smash it together with a picture of me wearing my suit on sunday so it would be an awesome picture. so yeahhhhhhhhhhh i didnt manage to get one taken. oh well. mom was cold so bopian lah huh. before she left, she folded the hoodie and put it into my bag.

talked to someone and heard some unfortunate news. im kinda affected by it since i know the person...but i'll see what i can do better. i totally dont know whats going on and why but i'll find out more. till then, my mind wont be at ease.

stayed back for priesthood session. got a call from mom but it was during the video so i ended the call. she smsed saying that she forgot to bring her keys (we rushed out in the morning, had to take a cab). and apparently, her workflow doesnt include taking her keys/phone/mrt card (when she's rushing). its either one of them or a combi of two. never is it all three of them together. so this time, she forgot to bring the keys. guess what, this poor son of hers had to leave priesthood session early and then open the door for her.

haiyoh.
but anyway. i read through as many conference talks as i could on the train while taking down notes. and i was wide awake. which was good. oh and lol pres lai was sitting beside me during conf XD felt so pressured to write down notes.

so i got home about an hour after i left church even though i walked faster than usual.
so we went back home together and then tadahhhhhhhhhhhh opened the door lol.
finished up the rest of the session that i couldnt go through while on the train.

did that then mom asked me to help her with the brownies.
totally 100% very reluctant since i was hosting a L4D2 match.
had to be afk for like 20ish minutes.
not cool.
but i still did it anyway -.-
brownies turned out okay. kinda dry though...
and mom gave a big piece to cleo on sunday because of the article/reflection thingy.
hmmm.
i'll save that for another time.

but anyway.
on sunday i woke up super early. about 6.25am to settle my food during the 1hr break between the morning and afternoon sessions. fixed it up and then got ready to go to church. took the train and gave up my seat to and old guy. felt happy doing that, great way to start the day.

was wide awake (kinda) during morning session, and totally slept through afternoon session. must be the food i ate. someone put sleeping powder in it. must be....must be....anyway. wore my (dad's) suit to church and felt nice wearing it. once in a while lah. i dont wanna wear the pants though. the material so itchy, its annoying. its uncomfortable. but the suit felt nice. lol. but i'll be getting my own before i go on my mission. perhaps i'll get bigger when im in NS or something, so getting one now is kinda dumb.

yesterday, sister proffit asked if she and sister hansen could meet me after church today to report on the updates and keeping me informed. buuuuuuut today i told them that i want them to take today and next week off (after church) to get to know the ward members. updates can come later, but i feel that this is more pressing. so yeah.

all my buddies left first since i ended up waiting for mom...dad went for yc meeting, mom went for mish discussion with a new investigator. i dont like how mom and i keep getting called for mish appointments all the time, but i think i'll talk to them about it soon...i dont think now's the right time for it.

so YES. i sat alone. with edwin. the ysa. and uh. yeah. nothing really happened. we talked a bit, but thats pretty much it. i stayed on, waiting for mom. when she was done with the meeting i kept on waiting for her, and she eventually was finished with whatever she was doing and came down to meet me afterwards (but only after i gave her a call).

i was soooooooo tired.
quickly changed out of my clothes back into home clothes.
so comfy.
used com, kept dozing off -.-
sigh. sunday passing by so slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyy.







im kinda looking forward to something,
but also quite apprehensive about it too.
afraid of what people will see me as,
afraid of what i might become.
and i dont have enough control over the event for me to be comfortable enough.
sooooooo.
i think it'll have to wait.
besides.
i have my calling to think about.
havent been doing a lot lately.
i dont know what to do
i dont know how to do it
i dont know if it should be done
i dont know so many things
maybe because i havent served my mission
and maybe because it is such a big calling.
second most important calling in the ward.
why oh why.
why me.

괜찮아

왜몰라

AWESOME P-DAY PART 2

SO I RAN. i ran i ran i ran. like mad. people stared at me as i ran barefooted on the tar road. no kick for me since i train in school barefooted. no kick at all. HAHAHHAHA #showoff

so i kept running until i caught up with the missionaries (apparently not Sister Noh nor Sister Proffit). it seemed that they were in deep conversation so i just slowed down and kept my walking pace behind them. not far off, i see more missionaries sitting on the bench. about 6 of them, two of which were familiar faces. i said my greetings, and they never asked me why i was there. lol. anyway. not important. i looked around the beach. it wasnt long before i saw Sister Noh (where the heck is Sister Proffit?!) and i waved over to her when she looked my way.

idky, but she SCREAMED. like, what? she literally SCREAMED okay.

"AHHHH!!! (the scream) SAMM!! YOU MADE IT!!!" and she comes running over to me.

#erms

she runs over to me and slams this high5 with me. "yeahhhh i made it..!! sorry im late"

so anyway the day begins.
YES. the day officially begins when the fun starts, not when im eating breakfast, not when im in school, not when im eating lunch, not when im doing work, but it only begins when P-day BEGINS.

*please dont quote me on that, it only applies when i join in the missionaries on pdays*

so BAMMMM she brings me over to where the other missionaries are. i put my bag down, empty my pockets, and join in the beach volleyball court because one of the teams is short of one team player. guess who i saw? SISTER ALFREY!!!!! SHE'S ON THE COURT!!!! and oh man i CANNOT tell you how fun it is to play with the missionaries. IT IS ROCKIN FUN. EVEN BETTER THAN SOME USUAL PEOPLE *achem achem* BUT HEYYYYY ITS FUN SIAAAAAAAA.

so anyway. i played until i got tired. i got tired really fast. must be the sun. and maaaaaaaaaan i gave the game my all. i ran for the ball like mad, especially if it went out. I DONT CAREEEEEEEEEE i just wanna play to my heart's content.

stinkin good time with the missionaries (apparently the missionaries from msia were here too since they had zone conf). so there we go, we had a friendly match with these other people who wanted to play.

IT WAS FUN AGAIN!!! madness i tell you. its just more fun with the missionaries idky!!

so anyway, soon i got all tired and really cmi already. took a good break, and then played badminton with sister proffit. had a nice casual chat with her (even when the wind was really spoiling the game). so anyway some of the Elders had to go off because they had to go for a meeting of some sort i think. so someone called for pictures. one of the sisters volunteered to be the photog but im like "hey no way you're a missionary, GET IN THE PICTURE (no of course i did not say it that way)" and so i collected 5 cameras. they wanted Sister Chan's pancake camera because "its the best, look at it" lol and the rest were all digicams.

they all formed up and then im like just standing there with cameras on my wrist and in my hands. they all screamed for "ONE CAMERA" only but hey man im a photographer and i know what its like when you want to have a picture to call your own but you dont because you wanted to go off and do something else but im like NO WAY.

soon, 5 pictures were taken. i remember having Sister Proffit's camera too and so yeah thats what i remember. anyway i had the chance to serve all the missionaries in a way, albeit kinda insignificant (for now though).

anyway, i saw Elder Rasmussen and Elder Moore!! i got pictures with them, along with all my past and present missionaries :)

bam
bam
bam

most of them parted ways and so we all got on our way too. i left with the choa chu kang elders (Elder Ethington and Elder Mikovitz) and the Woodlands Sisters (Sister Noh and Sister Proffit). we all headed to the bus stop, and then some took the bus. the 5 of us were going for a dinner appointment (good thing i brought clothes and shoes) at the Lee's house.

yessssssssssssss LEE's house. aka yongbee's house #clapclap. it was 6ish-pm and the appointment was at 7pm. Sister Noh called for a cab, but she somehow couldnt understand the receiver, or maybe its the other way around. so she hands me the phone, and i talk to the person on the line. bambambam i get the directions and EVERYTHING done hahahha. the thing is that booking fee is $10 for the stupid maxicab because theres 5 of us. i asked for a rough estimation of the meter fare and the lady says $20. i ask the missionaries if they have $30 on hand with them (i only had $7) and they said yes. so i said to the operator "okay go ahead with the booking".  soon, we get an sms saying that there arent any taxis available.

#erms

okay can, so, how do we solve the problem? it was suggested that we split cabs. but that means having to spend $40, and i dont think i want my/the missionaries spending so much for transportation. so i do the next best thing i know doing, and that is, getting us OUT of the problem.

i went over to the bus guide, and look at the buses. soon i spotted buses that we can take. so here's the plan (Sister Noh was still on the phone talking to the operator, she apparently called back for i dont know what), the "plan's that we take a bus (i forgot which one it was) and then we alight at this place and get on the train. we head to jurong east and make our way to the home from there. steady?"

it was quickly agreed on and then POOF the bus that we were gonna "wait" for magically arrives. Sister Proffit goes like "this is the bus right?" and im like "yeap thats it. lets get on". we call out to Sister Noh (still on the phone) and then gets her to the bus.

I grabbed a picture of the bus' route first before boarding. I get up, tap my card, and off we go. The idea was to alight at pan pac hotel's bus stop and then take the train down to jurong east then up to bukit batok. After a few stops, and referring extensively with the picture I took, we alighted SOME WHERE. Actually one stop late. I had somehow missed pan pac. Perhaps it was at the back side of the hotel which I could not recognise, but anyway. We ended up at the esplanade LOL. Followed Sister Noh first then eventually I got my sense of direction back.

For some reason, Elder Ethington was walking slowly. Sister Proffit and I walked just fast enough for him to be in our sights, but neither too fast where he couldnt catch up. We managed to get to city hall mrt soon and then just so happened that we went to the wrong level of the station (we ended up on the lowest floor, which would take us to jurong east via woodlands). I went up quickly to the stairs (first one up) and then when I reached the top I saw people. Lots of them. From the side that we should be taking. I look behind me and said "train train train" and then they all started sprinting up the stairs. Good thing none of them tripped!!

We missed the train by a few seconds. Elder Mikovitz was the next up and started towards the train but I managed to get him in time so that he wouldn't leave his companion behind ahhahha. The rest slowly caught up with us. Then BAM the door of the train opened up!! I motioned over to them to board the train, and we did. So then, our journey to jurong east began. We had a few ideas but eventually decided on cabbing from bukit batok instead of jurog east because je would have a ton of people looking for a cab (since it was peak hour) and also because the roads would be jammed at je. I think.

So thats what we did, we alighted at bukit batok. I went up with the Sisters first on the cab, the Elders soon got one after us. I sat in the front and gave the address. The driver didnt know exactly where it was but he roughly had an idea. I struck up a conversation with him in chinese (it wasnt that difficult...!!) and managed to sustain it all the way to the destination. I was going to invite him to church but we had reached the place already. Haiyoh. The Sisters at the back spilled out cash to pay for the fare but I was faster!! Hahahha. I don't believe in missionaries paying for cabs for appointments because its so expensive. Its like ill pay, since im the ward mission leader. I have to take care of my missionaries. So. Well. Unless they arent late, or they were deliberately late, then ill let them pay.

So thats that. We got in to the comppund and then headed up to the house. First person we see is yongwoo!! He was at the gate on the left, but we entered the house by the one right in front of us. He put on his shoes, walked over to the house, and took off his shoes and walked in.

LOL.

Anyway. We said our greetings to Sister Julia and the Sisters went on to change (they were still in their pday clothes). I went in last when they were both done. The Elders arrived later and greeted.

Apparently, Sister Julia knows me...? Hmmm. Idk how that happened. I saw her and talked to her for the first time on that night. Anyway, she was really nice. Yongwoo ran up to Sister Noh and she grabbed him hahahaa what a cute sight.

Well, we had japanese food for dinner. Sushi, salad, fried chicken, and some dumplings. An awesome spread!! Sorry no picture because I dont do that at people's house!! Anyway we all had our good share of dinner. We talked and shared a lot of stories all around the table. Ezcwpt me. Lol. The missionaries had so much more to say than I can offer.

Sister Julia was kept busy by yongwoo, so we didnt see her that much around. Nearing the end I turned to Sister Noh

-the Sisters were sitting on my right, Elders on my left, and yes, I was sitting at the head of the table. Weird because I wasnt the most senior in the house. However, Sister Noh said that I should be sitting there because im not a missionary and because I'm the ward mission leader. And I didnt know any better...so I went ahead...-

and asked her if we (the missionaries) have a message to share with the family. It is "customary" to this because missionaries DONT go to a house for dinner just for dinner. She asked the Elders and they said no. I was like.....uhhhh how can this happen you shouldnt be freeloading off an invitation to dinner like that. But anyway. Heres what we DID do. We gave a message, as we should. Sister Noh shared on courage, on doing the right thing even though it would be really tough. Seeing that the others werent gonna share anything, I chimed in to save the day (idk whats going on in their minds lol).

I shared on how it took me so much courage to stand firm by my decision that I will keep the sabbath day holy, no matter what. Even though I have been asked to participate in so many competitions, I declined every time. People have tried to persuade me to join in, but every time I said no. I did give it thought. A lot. But my decision still stood, that I will not participate in any compeition on Sundays. And so how have I been blessed for keeping this commandment (even though it is tough to)? Well, I have been able to rise up as one of the most experienced and skilled fighter in the dojo currently. I can take hits (considering my size) and still stand. I can deal blows, I am fast and nimble.

And ultimately, I am not a pushover.

I have been requested for to have a spar against the others in the dojo because I can teach them how to be better, because they can learn something from sparring with me.

Thats just a few ways that I have been blessed by being courageous in all situations to keep the sabbath day holy.

So I shared that with the family.
And you could just feel the sweet spirit.

----------------

We soon left. We said our greetings and thanks. We headed out to the bus stop. The Elders were travelling in a different direction so they had to cross the road. We decided on taking the bus all the way back home, it would take us back to my old house and I can walk home from there, and the Sisters can take the train back home. We had to wait for a good long while before the bus arrived, by which time the Elders had already boarded their bus. We had a fun time going back home!! Well I did at least. Sister Noh asked if she could look through my pictures and I was like "uh yeah I guess so, I dont have any private pictures or anything". So I passed her my phone and she went looking through them. Good thing she did anyway. There were a few pictures that shouldn't be in the phone and she asked if she could delete them, and I was like yeah sure go ahead please. I explained how those pictures were from whatsapp and sent from people in my class, and how I never scrolled through them.

And she understood!! She said that "its not that im judging you. Im just looking out for you, youre like my 동생" (or something like that). She and Sister Proffit had a good laugh at some of my pictures hahahhaha. But anyway, it was all in good spirit.

Soon it was my stop and I alighted. Seeing the time, it was WAAAAAAAAY too late for them to be out so I sent them a text telling them to let me know when they reached back home.

50 minutes later, I get a text from them saying theyre home. And yeahhhh it was way late. Im sure they were tired, but definitely, a wonderful day.

And I could sleep peacefully knowing theyre safe.

AWESOME P-DAY PART 1

i was just gonna write about this past monday (31st march) then i saw how many blog views i had. 4364. WHO READS MY BLOG SO OFTEN? come on own up. this is kinda scary!! oh. well its been a whole year since i last created this blog. but uh, is 4364 reasonable? idk. BUT ANYWAY.

yes, this past monday was WAAAAAAAAY AWESOME. i went out with the missionaries from the church!! so basically it all started on sunday after church when Sister Noh randomly asked me (since im the ward mission leader) if i had any birdies (badminton shuttlecocks) and i said that yeah i do have them. so she asks if she can borrow them for a day since she's gonna be playing badminton with the missionaries tomorrow (monday) during their p-day (preparation day). so im like yeah sure why not but WHY DIDNT YOU INVITE ME. so anyway i kinda regretted saying that because it made me sound like an idiot. a pure idiot. but Sister Noh was super enthu about it and was like "YEAH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY COME WITH US" and im like "uh okay". i asked her where and what time they were gonna be playing and so she said that she'd text me. fair enough.

later at night i fully felt the regret in full force so i texted the Sisters saying that it just miiiiiiiiiiiight be awkward if i went for the game.  she said "So not awkward! Meet the missionaries!! We're playing sports at east coast park :)"

east coast park.
so far.
im up in the north.
and theyre playing in the east.

MADNESSSSSS.

so anyway i decide to go, since if i DONT turn up then im making myself out to be a complete idiot. its like i tell you that i wanna go (basically inviting myself) and then when you invite me, i turn it down.

#idiotonlysia

so yeah i didnt wanna be a full-fledged idiot so i went along with it.
they texted me at 8 in the morning (sounds about right) saying that theyre gonna be at east coast at 3pm, but gonna proceed with their usual pday stuff before that. they asked me if i wanna eat with them. i replied later at like 1+pm (i know, how stupid) saying that i'll be eating at home with mom and then head over to meet them later.

i changed up, picked up the bag (it was already packed) and then headed off. i took the train heading towards jurong east to head to tampines then take a bus from there. when i was at yew tee, i smsed wong ming asking him if i can take bus 172 (i anyhow bomb one number) from tamp interchange to get to ecp. he said he dk since he doesnt take from there.

so im like OH YEAH HOR CAN TAKE FROM YISHUN RIGHT?? *i genuinely knew that, it just didnt come to my mind to take that route*

and he says he takes from bishan. sooooooo im on the wrong train. i should be going the other way. so what happens? i swap trains and head back up. took me like 10+minutes to get back to marsiling, and an additional 30++++minutes to get to bishan. the train decided to go slow. by the time i get to bishan, i follow ming's instructions to take bus 13. when i got out to the main road, i looked up the bus guide and then look for the road that i should be alighting on as stated by ming.

BASKET CANNOT FIND.

but guess what, the bus arrives, and im forced to make a decision. so i go up to the bus immediately, ask the bus driver if the bus goes to this certain road, and she says YES after thinking for a while. sounds legit enough, so i tap my card and hop on. i told her that i'll be right behind her so she can just tell me when im supposed to drop off.

this must have the most scary bus ride i have ever taken in a long time. on my own, dont know where im going, only trusting in wming and his directions. EVEN IF ITS MING'S DIRECTIONS. i dont really like taking buses because theyre confusing. so i keep staring out the bus' window to look at the bus stop's sign to see what road im on. looking all over the place and everywhere so i have a rough idea of where i am.

i text the Sisters at 2.40pm saying im running late. they text back 3mins later saying they're super late too so no worries. 50minutes later i text saying im on the bus, along sims ave. 5minutes later they text back saying that theyre PLAYING at the beach near Burger King.

oh wow. i immediately reply that im STILL at sims ave (it is one RIDICULOUSLY LONG ROAD). I said that the road gives off the vibes of eastern singapore (well, the road signs also said "geylang" and "lorong" so i guess must be east sg lah right?), and that im comforted by that. also said that im sorry for being so late.

2minutes later they text back saying that "Ur good!!"

soon the bus driver tells me that i should be dropping off at either this upcoming bus stop or the next. i tell that i going to east coast park and then she says okay then drop off at this coming bus stop. she told me to alight and then walk (she didnt say walk WHERE, or for HOW long, but just "walk").

#okaycan

i alight, and took 3seconds to decide on which direction to walk. against the traffic or with the traffic (i picked with the traffic). i walked, crossed diagonally across a junction, walked around, figuring my way out, and then i come across a shop. i asked the shop owner where the underpass to ecp is, and she says 10minutes walk. just follow the HDBs and keep going straight.

#therewego

so i follow her direction and kept walking, following the HDBs. it didnt take me 10minutes. it took me about 3minutes. lol. anyway. im a fast walker. so anyway. i reach the end of the HDBs where it meets a small road blocked off by some fences. so i cant go straight anymore. i look around, and see this bunker-like entrance. it pointed downwards, so it must be leading somewhere, other than a bunker. i make my way there.

at 4.09pm i texted the Sisters saying "okay im at the underpass now. i beliebe [sic] im arriving soon"

i went down, across, and up and out of the underpass. i see two guys rollerblading, so i asked them which way burger king was. they pointed, and so i said thanks and headed off. then soon after, i see the backs of two pairs of missionaries. one of them look like Sister Noh. i took off my slippers and i ran.







-cliff hanger-

Stupid shit.

What an eventful day.

Went for stake ysa service project in the morning. Met bea and ming at smb mrt. Bea reached first then me. Ming had to take a dump so he came later. So bea and I talked about music. Lol. Lindsey sterling. And that song. Meeps. That song that id dedicate to my wife. Perhaps a long-time girlfriend. But heck that would be years later. At least six years. Gosh. Or maybe during ysa conv. Idk I just love singing. Especially this one. I can connect to it really well.

So anyway. Ming arrived then like after one min or so, the train came. So we boarded and headed to telok blangah where the rest are. Basket sia supposed to be harbour front. Stupid you. Went back into mrt then took the train for just one stupid stop. Stupid start to the day. Then after that waited for others. All arrive liao then we go take bus. 16 of us. Then stupid fella never recce. Waste time waste money. Nehmind. Cannot/didnt read map even. "I can reimburse the bus tripvsince we have budget". Please lah. First thing, you got receipt? Second, you don't anyhow use tithing money can anot? Just because its not exactly your money, you talk this kind of nonsense. Seriously lah huh. Wake up. Dont forget such a pain in the butt.

Anyway. Headed down to the person's place. Split into groups. My group got Jonathan child, olive, kojiro, and me. Bro garner went with us. Turns out the guy spoke cantonese/mandarin, so it all boiled down to me doing all the talking and instructions. From the looks of it, we should onky have spent 10minutes cleaning up this old guy's place. Ended up taking like 40ish minutes? Felt like that. Tiring like siao. But felt super good after that. I put my cleanig skills to good use today. Feel so accomplished.

Anyway thats one. Had light refreshment immediately after that at the carpark. #YSAswag. Split off. Went back home by bus then train with some fellas. Bus ride was okay. Train ride was stupid. Horrible. Unnecessary. STUPID. Really. I wish I had taken the train ride back home alone. Stupid words, insensitive, crude remarks. Do you even THINK before you talk? I dont care if you laugh even if youre making that remark. Nobody says that kind of things to another person, unless yall are best buddies. Of which, you, and we, are not best buddies with you.

Please learn to keep your mouth shut.
And stop touching so much me and say "sam youre so boney/skinny".

I couls only just grit my teeth, look away, look ahead, and just say "why do people keep touhing me".

Get your hands off me.
Just be grateful that I didnt lose my control.
You would have regretted.
Regretted terribly.
So, stop it.
I hope you learn your lesson.

Got back home late, about 2.10pm. Took a cold shower because it was so hot outside and I was all sweaty and sticky. Glad I did. Chionged 30mins of L4D2 with pugs. Finished one whole campaign except the rescue.

Left at 3ish-pm for mish prep. First one ti arrive. Went to toilet, then went to class. Gayle was inside. Then after a while kenneth came. Then later he started class, and then galvin ming nora came. Class was good. Somehow had more to contribute today.

Then we all went out for dinner. Met jace and abish at orchard central. Couldnt decide what to eat. So we talked about EWF then macs. In the end we settled for seoul garden at scape. I didnt even know there was seoul garden at scape even though ive been there a number of times. Spent a lot of time talking nonsense having fun blablabla. Going home was stupid again. Sigh. Not only was I out of concessions, it was just uncomfortable for me. Someone felt me AGAIN and commented and AGAIN and I was just trying my best to not be angry. And I didnt wanna be angry. It sucks. so I just kept my mouth shut, and just kept nodding my head, not making eye contact.

Then theres you and you. I just wanted to lock myself up, sit in one corner and just forget that I was on the same train as you. I was so freaking uncomfortable. I had my body facing somewhere else except your general direction, I had one ear plugged in (mind you I was close to having both plugged in), and yall were like dropping hints of mushiness.

Hello.
Im right here.
I could have been attached a few months back but I dont think im quite alright with what youre doing here.

I said I was gonna grab a seat, and I did.
But I never intended on have you follow me.
I just wanted to be alone.
By myself.
No one else around me, at least no one I know.
Just let me listen to my music.
Just like when im all alone.
By myself.

Just let me sleep.
Peacefully.
Alright?

Weets

Oh and uh, I graduated. Cum gpa 2.997. I dont the 2 thoufh. I want a 3 in front...

Jin kangkoh

ANYWAY. Applied for jobs already. RWS should have contacted me for buggy driver but no news even after a month. Oh well. I submitted 5 additional applications yesterday and today (wednesday). I've been having a few busy days here and there, and its all good.

On sunday sister noh told me to follow her on instag (lol) and then asked me to help the cck elders for a dinner appointment at the end of the month. Guess at who's place? The Lee's. You betcha. Gonna see yongwoo. And yongbee's mom. Ill probably grab a picture with them and send it to yb. And then just a solo of yw. I think yb will like that.

Though im kinda looking forward to seeing them, im not that excited about the dinner. My friends would know. SO. I shant talk about it. But still, ill do my best.

I shot for stake rs bday celebration on saturday (22 March) and I got a gift from the stake rs president because of the help. Nice lady. Never doubted it for a second. Ill have to look for a day or way to convey my appreciation to her.

And uh. I wanna go out with sister noh and proffit. I have a question to ask them that needs answering. No worries, theyre all fine. Its just a personal question of mine, and one that I think is answered best by them.

I hate cancelled apppintments.

Of mice and mosquitoes

The past few days has been good to me, except on an occasion or two. Quarrels, as usual. Sigh. It is always during moments like those that I really wonder if I ever really was supposed to be in this life. Im always so different every now and then. But the principles and values still remain altogether. I guess that makes me the same all the time.

At least my phone didnt get taken away. People telling me that I get punished in a weird way, just because my phone, and laptop, gets confiscated. People says that punishments like those are for younger people.

Well then, my question to them would be this: how do you discipline and punish an older person?

The thing is that my parents teach, and scold, by principles. You cant fight against principles. You just cant.  Even if you try, you wont win, becayse they are principles. Thats the most fundamental and basic you can ever get.

And teaching + scolding is one thing. Dont forget about the punishment. How do parents punish an older child? Simple. In my family, it is through the removal of previliges. And they have all the control they can ever imagine over me, simply, because I am their son.

No dispute against that, right?
Well, thats how things are in my family.

And before you think to say that it is ridiculous, let me first tell you that I THINK SO TOO. But the thing is that ridiculous has made me who I am today. I dont see how any other kind of parenting would produce any better results (though of course it will always be possible). And so, to a certain extent, I am grateful for ridiculous, but I dont want to have to go through it any number of times than needed.

But like what mom says, "just dont do wrong".
And like I say, "easier said than done".
But at least she agrees.

Sluggggg

Woooooow. I finally stopped dreaming at night. For three whole weeks, ive been having weird random dreams, and remember them every morning until noon, which is when they slowly begin to be forgotten.

About time I got proper sleep.

Anyway, the past two weeks have been torturous and horrible. Shan't go into details because its really not something I wanna talk about. Reason being because people will judge. And since they dont understand, why publish unnecessary information for people as such to see?

Blah.

Band and karate and church has been my de-stressers. Its the place where I can put my worries aside and just enjoy myself. Though there was a problem...

But anyway. I dont know why people like me. Not as in a crush, ec(?) or whatever. Like me as a person. Sometimes when I go through a difficult experience, I see so much of myself. And sometimes I wonder if my friends actually know this side of me. And if they do, what makes them stay? Who am I to them? Since when did a person with so many problems become sometime people wanna hang around?

I dont get it.
Sigh.

Sent (sister) danna off at the airport last wednesday. Had dinner with the ysas at her place the friday before. Glad we took a picture. She printed it out and wrong a nice message on the back. Sigh, gonna miss her. All my missionaries are coming in and out at the same time, its so much to handle. I have 2 more (I think...?) coming back this year. Titus and jie. Dk who else. Then missionaries just had transfers a while ago...

Supposed to join in cay's film, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to back out. Sigh. Then see instagram, so many pictures. Felt so guilty. Then sp class went for bali trip. Even more pictures. Turned then down when they invited me cuz it crossed a sunday. So I see instagram, felt so guilty too.

Horrible month.

Except for the times when I teach karate to the kids. Earned money, though not a lot...sigh. I need a job. I want a job. But im just lazy. And unprepared.

No motivation.
No fuel.

Im like...out of juice for anything already. Im like just waiting for ns only. Sian. But the thing is I need to keep going. I know I have to, if not, things will fall apart, snd ill ill have answering to do. And of course I dont want that. But its just...im losing it. Im not as enthusiastic about it anymore. So much work to do. And so I really wonder, "am I up to it"? Am I really tasked to have a responsibility so large? Im just a 20 year old guy with little or no experience. Was I tasked just because it was the most convenient, or was it because there was no one else, or perhaps because I was tbe most suitable for it?

But whatever it is, im not keeping up as much as I should be. Ive become reluctant, a bit, but still, quite a fair bit.

And then I wonder when I can stop worrying. About all this. I dont even wanna pick up my phone anymore.

Can you see how bad it is?
People shouls just stop having expectations of me. It drives me nuts.

Anyway. Karate. Walked 1 hour yesterday (friday) aftee training just to get to the mrt station. Because the stupid bus ends servixe at 8.25pm, and our karate class ends at 8.30pm. How splendid. Foot pain.

Then today went for dental in the morning. Supposed to go swimming with frances so she can check my strokes (confirm got error one cuz I figured it out by myself), then go church for rs. Played flute horribly, the shot pictures for the rest of the time. Ended at 4.20pm, so couldnt eat. Then rushed up to mish prep, then chiong back home to edit pictures.

TIRED LIKE MAD.

보고 싶어

so i was looking through LYn's latest album, and i immediately fell in love with one of the songs. i checked out her MV and GOSH.

보고 싶어...운다.

im glad for subs. hahahhaa. but i really like how they shot the video. beautiful.

it starts off with piano chords i think, then eases into a nice flow. her smooth voice starts easily, the emotions spilling over. it goes into the chorus faster than it feels (by now im already absorbed into the melody) and then she aces the chorus when she goes for the higher notes. she goes on with her signature (imo) voice and then bambambammmmmmmmm the slight vibrato works magic. its amazing how she eases into the chorus from the other stanzas so easily. its like a river flowing into the sea.

what i like about the song is that its so easy and simple. no fanciful instrumentation and vocals. im amazed at her talent of having such simple but powerful songs.





what a lousy song review.
im meant to enjoy the music, not talk about it.
lol.

Horrible vegetable

I cant quite say how I feel right now exactly. Its just a crazy mix of feelings in a blender.

Sad, disappointed, hoping, desperate, empty, happy, dejected, a bit elated, satisfied. And all the in-betweens. Yeah, that's how I feel. And its messy.

I dont like it. Its the only time when music cant do anything for me. I cant do much for myself either, other than waiting it out. Its the only thing I can do well in circumstances like this.

And its the everyday things and people that I see that annoys me. Its like as if theyre all conspiring against my mood or something to that extent.

I dont like it.

Feeling horrible inside and out but I gotta be smiling all the time so people wont ask and so I wont have to explain.

Its like the wishes you really want to come true but you know that thats all it will ever be.

Cleo says she'll get a horse with me.
Lol.
Its still my dream.
But she's a step closer than I am.
Well.
Maybe more than one step actually.
But still.

I want so many things.
But most of them are just unrealistic wants.
But the one thing I want most now, its totally out of reach.

Every departure breaks my heart a little more.

Weird.

For the past two weeks or so, I've been having dreams at night - the kind that you can roughly remember snippets here and there even for a few hours after waking up, even longer if you put in effort. Friday night's was about sailing, and something else...

And the thing is that it happens every night...so its quite worrisome to say the least.

Every single night.
And I never dream about what I want.
Its always those random stuff.

Meh.

Sunday.

Today is sunday.
Probably just any other ordinary fast sunday.
But its one of the most special-est sundays ive had in such a long time.
In a long time.

Today I reported for ward council meeting a bit late. Reached 15mins after 11am. Didnt send in my agenda but the Elders were already reporting. I sat beside them, and then later the sisters arrived too. Surprise surprise.

Throughout the meeting, I felt so lousy. Things were discussed, yes, but I didnt feel right.
I didnt feel good.
I felt bad.
I felt lousy.
I felt that there was so much to do.
That theres too much to do.
I felt so inadequate.
I felt so small, so insignificant.
I felt hopeless and helpless.

I thought to myself this one simppe question, "am I up for this?"

Am I really able to carry out my calling? I felt so burdened by the calling. Throughoit the remainder of the calling, I couldnt smile. I couldnt laugh at the jokes and funny moments. I felt so horrible. I was thinking why I even accepted the calling knowing that it would be so hard. In fact, I knew that it would be hard, but not this hard.

It came to a point where the thought of giving up had crossed my mind a few times. Look at me: going-to-be-20 year old, have not gone a mission, not experienced in missionary work, in reactivation, in giving out assignments and getting work done, comparably less experience in life and doctrinal knowledge than all the others in the ward council. I felt so much like the oddball. I felt that I couldnt do it. That I really couldnt. Theres nothing that I can do. I am not knowledgeable, not experienced.

Im just not up for it.

I left the meeting feeling lousy. I prayed so much during the meeting to know how I can make things work out well. I prayed so hard and so much, my head couldve exploded from over-heating. But still, nohing.

I forced a smile and a cheery attitude so I wont affect the others. The whole sunday was spent like this. When it was fast and testimony meeting, I shared my testimony on missionary work. I had hoped that I would feel an inkling of the spirit with me by doing that, but I didnt.

I taught a last-minute gospel principles lesson. It went okay.

EQ time arrived and I spoke for 5mins about the ward mission plan. Still didnt feel good. didnt even sit beside ming and thaddus because onson had asked me to sit beside him to discuss some stuff.

Ward missionary correlation meeting after that, still bad. More things to do even.

Rushed over to stake choir after grabbing a few bites from the food prepared by sis cynthia.

And I guess, music was what I needed. Being in the choir made up for all the sadness and disappointment and negativity I had experienced throughout the whole day. I felt the Spirit strongly through music.

There is power in real music.

It was exactly what I needed. It just pushed all my worries away. It was something that had so much magic in its existence alone. It brought the Spirit into my being.

Feeling tired, mom/dad and I went to thaddus' house for dinner with the recent RMs. Spent so much time with thaddus and ming and danna.

Also, exactly what I needed. They have this special ability to just make me smile and make my problems seem so small. They didnt do anything special; they were just being themselves.

My eternal friends.
Theyre priceless.

There is power within your friends.

Saturday

So the 40-day fast has begun (since saturday), though the calendar is still pretty empty. Elders came over to my place to discuss some stuff at 2.40pm. Supposed to be 2pm with the sisters but stuff came up so I thought of a change in plans. Apparently we had a communication error and ended up with the elders at my home. Of course since I was discussing the plans with the sisters, they didnt come. So.....yeah. spent 20mins with the elders.

So at roughly 3.15pm I left my house to go for mish prep. The elders left with me. And goooosh do they walk slow. I was like trying to walk quickly but I think they didnt get the message. Supposed to reach mrt at 3.20ish-pm but ended up reaching at like 3.30pm. Sian max. How come the sisters never gimme these kinda problem one ah haiyoh.

Oh and since I started the 40-day fast, I served the elders water when they were at my place. And I accidentally drank a cup myself since its what I always do when I serve guests. SORRY LAH HUH I TOTALLY FORGOT. Im not used to fasting on a Saturday so I didnt have the feeling of fasting.

Anyway, mish prep went well. Before class ended, I walked around the 4th floor since that was where class was at and since I was feeling sleepy...walking towards the toilet I heard "hi sam". Turned around and saw mara at the lifts. I returned the greeting and asked what she was doing here on a Saturday and she said she had YW activity. I went "ooohhhh" then she entered the lift. Reminded me of what charmaine was telling me about stake youth choir. Then I went by the chapel and I saw lights on. Looked through the door window thingy and saw youth. Bam. Hahahha but so few!! So anyway went to the toilet to wash up then went back to class. Zhun zhun had like 5mins left or something. After that went to kitchen and cope some unlabeled snacks in the fridge. Then walked around to the other side of the 4th floor and then saw neal and gayle and galvin at the chapel door looking inside. I joined them and tried to see who they were looking at/for. No hope so we all walked off, then neal was like "how come so few youth". I went further down the corridor and saw people in the primary room. I walked out and then called out to him saying "eh neal here got youth". He walked towards the room and so did I. I peeped in quickly and saw two familiar faces. Sister Aldrin was conducting the young women with her back to the door. She probably saw the faces of the yw and so she looked towards the door and sae my face smashed at the window. I smiled like an idiot and waved to her hahahahha.

so anyway I was supposed to leave with ming and grab some dinner since he was hungry. But poor him, I was gonna have dinner with my parents already. But I told him that I'll grab some munch with him another day. Promise.

We went to causeway point and ate at food republic. Bad choice. Still. Expensive food and small portions. I had barely filled half my stomach for $5 chicken rice. After that mom/dad went to get printer ink, I went to challenger to see if they had any stuff I could use for my camera kit. Zilch.

Met up and then went down to uniqlo. Almost got new "legging jeans" that was sold at around $30. ALMOST. But no. Various reasons.

Then went down to cotton on so mom could get new shoes. And she did. 2 pairs for $30. Almost got one for me but no size. Fine. And it took so long. it had been like 20minutes deciding on the shoe design and colour, so I went outside and played reversi against AI until mom/dad were done. Went back home after that dead tired.

Sigh.
Since when does shopping take so long.

To freedom.

Last day of exams was yesterday. Ended at 1410ish-hrs. Actually finished the paper half an hour in. I studied 3 of the 7 chapters that would be tested. But it should be enough to get me out of poly, considering that they'll have moderation and bell curve to move mountains. With that, I should be able to graduate from poly with a decent gpa. Cgmp was the last paper. Glad it was. Heavy burden off my chest.

Spent the rest of the day at NBSS band. Went into the band room, greeted mr goh, out my bag down, and then he told me to helo them teach the new juniors their theory. So i met the new juniors, walked in on their seniors teaching theory (it was actually just amirah actually, the others were "practicing"), sat at the back of the classroom observing. Amirah's voice is low so I kept an eye on the new juniors, the freshies. I could tell that they were getting bored. I suggested that amirah swap places with someone else to teach. Roi came on in at that time. And since he wanted to be the CM, I thought that now would be a good opportunity to practice some of the stuff he'll be doing later on if he gets the position.

But roi being roi, he declined saying that he "doesnt know how to teach". So Amirah carried on teaching. Poor girl. Poor freshies. They must have been tired. After all, its just day 2 of band for them. So I went up to the front of the class and picked off from where amirah left them hanging hahahha, which was reading notes. Quraishah, thaqifah, lien. All girls. Again. Anyway, I asked and they said that they never went through any music classes in their primay school. Poor things. I shared with them how my primary school taught me how to read the treble clef. They caught on pretty well. I even went above and below the ledger lines and they could manage really well. Of course not at the same speed as the seniors, but considering their background, I consider them the aces of the freshies.

I tested them, and a small tiny competition among each other. First one to tell me the correct note gets the point. I asked a total if 15 questions, with enough chances for lien to catch up with the other two. Didnt make it though. And just for positive reinforcement, I told them that ill get the winner a prize, but ill be nice and get everybody something, though the winner gets the best one. Thaqifah won with a 1point lead over Quraishah. I think the flute section produces good juniors, comparing with the other sections. They learn fast and are bonded. Must be because they have good seniors who set the standard well and dont compromise.

Sectionals stopped at 4.30pm. We reported back to the band room. The band formed up and sat on the floor. I didnt feel right standing in front nor at the back, so I just sat at the teacher's table up front. Yuzaimi and adrianna were there too so we had a quick chat. We were dismissed for drilling downstairs. Drum major said 5minutes with their bags down. Lol. From 3rd floor down to court and set down bags, all in 5mins. Fierce DM. But she also never enforce lol. No use. Lol.

Before leaving, mr goh asked me for a favour.

"Samuel, I have a job for you."
"Yeah whats up?"
"I need you to help me check on their drilling. Go around and pick out the weaker ones. I want to check their sediah, senang diri, ke kanan pusing and ke kiri pusing, and ke kanan lurus. Just these few. Dont need ke belakan pusing. Pass the list to me after band."
"Sure no problem."
"Thanks samuel, I knew I can always count on you as my drum major." (Or something to this effect, I didnt hear him clearly on this one.)

So that being that, I got to work. Got my red pen and started down to where they're drilling. I think I could have been more organised in my efforts now that I think about it. But oh well. Not much time to get things done either.

I made my rounds, got my names on the list, but it wasnt complete. All I can say, things are kinda bleak right there. I wont say "rotten" because that would be exaggerating the actual condition of the situation. But they do need help. In almost everything...

Ill be back on tuesday to take down notes. Then Jace and I will go down on thursday to work the band the whole day. We got permission from the conductors. I dont know how much we can do while we're at it, but ill be talking to the conductors on tuesday. See what I can and cannot do. I may be an alumni but I cant afford to go overboard with those privileges.

Coordinated with jace on what we'd wear on thursday. And guess what, we even discussed how thursday is gonna be run, all over whatsapp. Can you imagine hahahhaa we were both going crazy about it lol.

I cant wait for thursday. But I also can wait for Thursday.

------------------------------

Today, mish appt with the sisters. We got sister noh now. Meeting them later and then gonna brief her about the ward mission plan. The elders are still here. We lost sister W to amk ward, and sister alfrey went back to 4th ward.

Can you tell how sad I am :'(

This friday, bbq with ward ysa. We're so steady ahhahha.

.dwindling circles.

the exams are getting on my nerves.
its making me feel stupid and horrible.
it makes me look back.
back when i was in secondary school.
how i used to be so different.
and look at me now.

lazy.
procrastinator.
unsociable.
losing sight of things.
unfocused.
lost the fighting spirit (for studying).

and now, losing sight of everything.











talking to ali now, and she makes me feel better.
the things she says.
the things she does for me.
i dont know if its what best friends do for each other.
but im sure its something that couples do.
yet we're not a couple.
how does that even work?

and here i am, thinking.
thinking really hard.
do i deserve such a person?
i probably would if i was in secondary school.
and have i done enough for her?
so do i deserve to have her with me in my life, with things as they are right now?
but now, im not so sure.
poly has definitely changed me.
it has made me worse than before.
but with knowledge that i could not have gained had it been any other way.

so now i think about whether i make the right choice going to poly.
or would i have been better off in jc.
heck, i couldnt get into a jc even if i wanted to.
with L1R5>20,  they wont pick me.
but if they had, i wonder what i would be like right now.

would i be more hardworking
would i be more sociable
how would my peers affect who i am
what cca would i have joined
and how would it mould me
who my role models would be in school
how i would have responded to the stress
the madness
the long nights
the ones where you just wanna throw in the rag
and call it a journey to be ended

i dont know
i dont know how i would be in the end
i dont know if things would be better or worse
i dont know how to make things better even
i dont know if going to poly was the right decision
i dont know if i should have gone to jc instead
i dont know so many things



so what am i sure of?

要死。

Okays so it's actually wednesday that I wanna rant. It was dear zi cong's birthday so we as a class, as usual, sang a birthday song for him during the lunch hour, as we do with anybody's birthday. Then we also sang him the birthday songsssssss in class.

We finished our class at 3pm. After that, asfa told me that I needed to get the report handed in ON THAT DAY to our co-examiner in preparation for the interview on friday. So okay lorh. I asked him where is the report, and he said that we needed to print it out, and that he had already sent it to zicong. Okay so no problem right? We left the class, and then I went up to zicong and told him that whatever asfa told me. Then he said "eh cannot leh". I asked what was stopping him, to which he replied "I going to do atre with zul".

Okay fair enough. But doesnt this seem a little weird? Viva on friday and we dont have a report printed. Atre assignment due AFTER the exams, and youre rushing for it? Arranged a little poorly hor? So I told him my reasoning. Guess what?

It got rejected. And thats where he got angry. Not just any "angry", but rather, /ANGRY/ that kind. The kind where people get mad and cant control themselves.

So he startes shouting expletives, talking about how me messed up his plans, how we "expect [him] to follow at our whimp and fancy", blablabla. Okay bro I get your point, I know what youre trying to say. But arguing and makig a fuss about it AT THE MESSENGER isnt something I take to very well. Jess asked him whats going on, why was he so angry, and of which, he never answered her questions. Hmmm. Then he started blaming me, saying its all my fault and shit.

So he ended up stomping off to the bioengie lab, with me following behind. Why? Because I dont want him to make a mistake while dwelling in his anger/frustration. And since it was I who brought the news to him, I guess he decided that I was the culprit, the one who forced him to change his plans. And so, I was the one who received the brunt of his frustration. Not fun.

He started talking like a kid who throws tantrums. And there I was, wondering if this was really happening. Im like, dude, your in poly. Not jc. Not sec school, not even primary school. Youre here to learn about the world. Youre expected to behave and conduct yourself like an adult if youre not one. Which you should be. You dont just throw a tantrum around. Tantrums are big things, but for small kids. And I dont think youre a kid. So act like one.

Anyway. Reached the bioengie lab. Opened the door for him. Jaina and the class was there. Zicong walked in first, and I followed behind. She looked my way, and I just sighed. Walking behind zicong, we reached the computer stations, and he downloaded the report and drawings from his email. We tried to print from the printer but there wasnt enough paper in the tray (we're supposed to supply our own anyway since the asfa case). I told him that we dont have enough paper, and he got even more angry. And I was thinking how much angrier could he ever get. He asked for my thumbdrive to copy the files into but I didnt hand it to him because the computer at T16 has a virus. Then I said "just download from the computer at the print shop lah" then after a few exchanges he replied "fine, if you insist" with that scornful tone of his.

Wowwwwwwwwww.
What attitude.
All I could do was sigh.

So I walked with him to the print shop at T16. We stood in queue, I was infront. There were like 4 people in front, and somehow the queue wasnt moving -.- so I looked around, and then I saw this note on the door "printer spoiled, cannot print colour". Great. Our report needs to be in colour and this printer doesnt print colour. Greaaaaaat. I didnt bother telling zicong this because he'd just get even more angry. And I dont want that. So I called asfa, told him the problem, and asked him to send me the files and I will do the printing on my own. He said okay. With the problem being close to being resolved, I wanted to get through with this. I slid the phone into my pocket, tapped zi cong's left shoulder, and told him "lets go. Im doing you a favour. Im gonna do the printing."

I personally dont think my choice of words was insensitive nor harmful nor unkind in any way. But whatever the case, this is zi cong that we're talking about. Reason doesnt go well with him when he's mad. So here goes. Walking back, I told him that he can go do his atre project thingy now. He got mad. He splayed out his arms in disbelief (?), raised his voice and started retorting at me.

"Huh so what, you expect me to always listen to you? Huh lord samuel? You expect everybody to bow down on their knees and worship you is it?"

That was just he only sentence I remembered. Because of the "lord" title that he bestowed on me. Wow.

He ranted on. I did my best to conceal my disbelief that this was actually happening. Inevitably, a smile escaped. He ranted on about how we made fun of him during lunchtime and in class. And I was like "dude we do that to everybody every year -.-" and of course,  reason escaped him again, still being so headstrong about how we "humiliated" him on his birthday. He proceeded to point his index finger at me, saying "this is the last time you guys will f*** with my plans. I already tols you yesterday that ill be doing the atre project today after school and asked if you guys wanna do or not (frankly I dont remember him asking this) and you all said no so I go and do. I tell you this is the last time you f*** with my plans and expect me to listen to you, you hear me?" (I can remember this part clearly because what hapoened next is epic). He said all this while walking with me on my left, pointing that accusing finger at me. The laughter from within me escaped too.

Then guess what? He pushed me.

Lets look at the review if what happened so far: we need to print the report snd hand it to the co-examiner and zicong was tasked to do it. He reluctantly obliged and went to the bioengie lab wih him to print. Not enough paper. Went to print shop with him. Colour printing not available, solved the problem for him. And now, while going to the bioengie lab, he pushes me. I'd say around half of his max strength.

I flowed with the push and somehoe for some weird reason, his right hand was still on my left arm. Instinctively, my left arm raised up inwards, hand sweeping his grip away from me, turned, pushed downwards so his elbow bends, slide down to the middle of his forearm,  and then I gripped. His finger now pointing upwards, my hand gripped around his middle forearm, thumb pressing in down to the soft part of his flesh. The part where it hurts.

And he still carried on retorting at me. Brave guy.

Either way, idk why but I just felt that that moment was plain ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. I dont understand his logic. If someone sis to me what I did to him, id get mad, scared. Anything, except continuing to be dumb and continue retorting at that guy.

Whatever lah huh. I had a slight smile on my face because I couldnt believe that a situation like this was unfurling right in front of my very eyes. He repeated "smile some more" a few times and after each I tried to kill my smile. Hardest thing ever. Took me three tries. Anyway, I kept trying to tel him that we werent making fun of him and that we arent out to purposely "pull a prank by changing [his] plans". We can be trolls as a class but we dont go that far.

He told me to let him go, and so I did. Sorry ah dude, but dont blame my reflexes. The blame be on you for being so short-tempered. Help you also kenna confronted. Wtf. I could have just told you that I was a "victim" too of this last minute notice and hat I didnt make a fuss about it.

Hmmm. Maybe I should have.

But either way. We went back to the lab, and while walking behind him (just to be sage in case he wants to attack me: just being safe, im not taking chances), he turned his head to look at me, shouted "walk faster lah". Then i thought, "what am  I rushing for? He opened the door, I followed him in, saw jaina again at the same spot on the same chair with the same people, and I sighed again. We entered the other room where his friend was there waiting for him (oh yeah I had called him to wait for zi cong in the biolab). So zi cong reunited with him, and I lepak-ed a bit before proceeding to go to the T14 print shop to do what needed to be done.

Soon enough, I was at the computer sending the files for printinf, and then I whatsapped asfa "is zicong still there" and he said "yeah".

Lol.
So.
Rush also still in biolab.
If youre such in a rush to go somewhere, why arent you out of campus yet? Stay here 吹冷气 is it? Enjoy air con only ah?

But anyway lah huh. Not important also. When I went back to the lab to collect other people ezlink card (mine not enough money to print hahahhaa) to use their cards to print, dear zi cong had left already. Good also. No more tension in the air. If there was any.

But SIGHHHHHHHHHHH. I was quite surprised as to why I didnt get angry. I honestly thought I would have, considering that it is me. And when he pushed me, I thought that we would get into a fight. I could feel my legs tingling with adrenaline. First time feeling it even though ive been to so many sparring competitions. Maybe because this is for real.

Hmmm.
But it is over already.
Glad that it is.
I dont wanna go through another "episode", even though it didnt cause me any pain or any sort.

Did I handle the situation well? I think I did pretty well. Considering that it is zi cong after all.

boiling point. shits.

blogger seems to be the only safe place for me to rant about stupid pieces of shits.

stay tuned. blood incoming.

Post title

The month of February is a horrendous one. Who knew the last exams of my poly life would arrive so fast? It feels like as if it was just 3 weeks ago that the new year had started. And look where we are now.

Three years gone by in a flash, just like that. Crazy eh?

So much to do, so little time. This semester is mad. How is it that there can be so much to do in your last few weeks in poly, and all at one go? It's madness as it is stupidity, whoever came up with the timetable. and my fyp viva is on either this thursday or friday. With the two maddest lecturers I have met. Sigh, totally not looking forward to it. But oh well, just as I've learned already; one day at a time. And it would all be over.

Over.
I dont wanna repeat any modules. Especially ongfr's dry modules. I dont mind audrey's bio class, though she doesn't teach me anymore. She taught me last sem. And the two semesters before that too. I like her classes. Fun. And lots of interesting things to learn about.

I guess im not much of a engineering person. Nor a EEE person. More of a CASS student maybe. I score better for their classes than in my engineering classes lol. Perhaps I should have enrolles in CASS instead.

But nah. I kinda like my class. Though I dont belong to any clique. I just linger around. The people in poly are so different from those in secondary school.

I miss my secondary school.
My class.
My gang.
Though the class size was 42, its much better than the current class I have. Sorry guys but it's the truth.

4E1'10 is the best.
I miss you all.
I miss the mad times we had.
English class.
PE.
Pure bio.
Pure physics.
Design and tech.
Math...
And then Chinese class.
Always sitting beside jace cuz she asked me to. Because she didn't want fason to sit besise her.
And then laughing with her.

I miss the student council.
I miss the meetings.
I miss the events.
I miss

I miss band.
I miss being in charge.
I miss the times when I actually mattered.
I miss playing the flute regularly with my section, with my band.
I miss the laughter, the sadness, the concerts and performances, the unity.
I miss standing in front and debriefing the band with jace.
I miss be shouting.
I miss the faked anger.
I miss all those ridiculous things.

Not that it's non-existent in sp karate club. It's all there but just different. And besides, I've been ostracised there. I'm lingering around again. It was all good until I decided to take a break from karate. Then, and even when I went back, things seemed to have changed. Everybody was so much closer to each other. It was as if I was a hindrance to their "social circle" progression. But anywah. I should be happy for them. Besides, I never really was a person to have belonged anywhere.

Nor to anyone.

Jiakat

30mins before cgkp retest and im feeling horrible.

The medically 'sick' kind of horrible.

Wth.

Seriously.

WTH.

Jmph :(

I'm afraid.
I'm feeling all jittery.
I can't sit still.

Stupid retest.
Stupid module.
Why did I fail that paper -.-

38/100.

Not my first failure in poly though.
I've failed 3 papers already including this one.
But always managed to pass the module.

I hope it happens again.
But as always.
I worry too much.

Sflr

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!

ITS BEEN A FUN PAST 3 DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

went to dad's side on CNY eve, then again on CNY itself, then today went to mom's side.
WOOHOOO!!! so happy to meet my cousins again :) aiyah but only so few of them.
kazuki, ayaka, zhi ling, jie jie lin lian, brian, sean, janice..then aunts/uncles, THEN MY CUTIE NIECE AND NEPHEW!!!! hahahhaa i wont post a picture of them. if you have my instag then you know how to see their cute faces!! it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRING PLAYING WITH THEM but oh well i love playing with kids.

mad.
tiring.
crazy.
tiring.
tiring.
tiring.
BUT FUN.

olivia was playing with nat and janice then they were calling for me. Especially nat lol that boy. "Uncle sam finish your dinner already must come play with us okay?" We were watching a movie then "curse of the golden flower" and it started a bit already so I was like aiyah sua lah go play with them. Then soon after we started they were calling for my cousin kazuki. Lol wtf nat say he dont want to play with me already HAHAHAHHA. Anyway we were playing on the bed and then I pretemded to sleep. With olivia near my head. Ooooohmygosh I tell you its so relaxing to hear kids playing around you and then there's olivia. Just playing with the others from her own spot. And not disturbing me in my pretended sleep.

Soooo relaxing.
It was on a totally dofferent level of experience. It felt kinda tranquil actually...

Just like that time.

Love and kumite

Okay so that last post was a bit drama-ish. But heyyyyy it really did feel like it during the competition. Either way, I'll proceed to write a short post about my kumite (sparring) match.

While waiting for my next event to begin, guess who I saw? My nephew and niece, Nathaniel (nate for short) and olivia, my cousins "offspring" lol. I saw them outside the concourse walking in with my uncle and aunt from my dad's side, and immediately I squeeled like the happy fella I was and raaaaaaaan towards them. Imagine me wearing my gi, belt not worn, squeeling, and running like a complete idiot. Hilarious.

I got onto my knees and hugged them (yeah theyre kinda short) and mentioned how happy and surprised I was to see them here. I entertained them until it was my next event. But of course, I left myself eith more than enough energy for the upcoming match.

It was a few events after my kata, maybe 4 or so events. I was supposed to judge but guess they didnt really need my help since they were comfortable in the chairs. Jerome was up first against somebody (thought it was me though, my name was in the first bracket). And since I had all my gear ready, I had to pass him my shin guard among others, and had to scour around for a pair for myself.

By the time Jerome won his match, I still had not gotten my equipment ready. It took me a little bit more time to be prepared. Zhi jie was pitched against me. How unfortunate. FOR ME. Hahahhaa reason being that he learns a few martial arts, thus being well versed in combat. I determined I was doomed before the match even began. Nevertheless, I still did give it my best shot; he is an opponent, and I dont take skills into consideration when I enter the match. Sounds drama? Truth.

The match began and I scored the first point, perhaps too soon, within the first 10seconds. He then proceeded to throw (literally throw) punches and roundhouse kicks at me. Not part of sports kumite style that we try to follow during competitions, but he got the scores anyway. I got knocked to the ground after he swung (im not kidding, he did swing) a punch at me.

Medic got called in then and a few more times to check if I was alright. Once, I remember my nose beginning to bleed. Good thing it never came. Or else I'd be out of the match. He had already scored on a number of occasions till I told myself that the gap in our points scored (I was still stuck at that one point) was getting too wide. If he managed a 8point lead, I'd lose immediately. The next thing I told myself is that "no way am I letting this happen".

So I fought back as best as I could. I managed a few points, but by the time the time limit was up, I felt that I had lost. I wasnt even gasping for air, as I usually would be. I still cant decide if thats a good thing, or bad.

The referee announced that we had a tie. Hooray!! I didnt have my specs on so I couldn't tell what the score was. Whatever it was, the important thing was that the four judges and referee make their decision.

Bambambam. 3 flags to red, 2 flags to blue.

DANGGIT I LOST BY ONE FLAG WTH.
Haiyah. Suay. I think I could have won though. Honestly. Cuz I feel that I had better form..? Plus I followed the rules of the match. I didnt fight dirty. So clean.

Sigh anyway. Cant change it anyway. Bleughhhhhhhhh!! :<

kata.

i'll mainly blog about the competition and grading for 18 jan 2014. since i dont have much else to talk about.

supposed to report to SP Concourse at 090hrs.
i woke up at 0658hrs, decided i was early and had time, so i went to the toilet and then back to sleep.
mom woke me up at 0830hrs, reminding me it was time to go to school. i was late.
since i had my bag packed already, i just ate cereal/milk for breakfast, and headed off to school.
arriving at 0930ish-hrs, i figured out where concourse was and just followed my instinct. found it in the first try lol.
thought i was mega late but only to find out that nothing was really set up already, so i went with the others to get the mats and transport them from the clubhouse all the way to concourse. imagine that distance we covered.
we quickly set them up and slowly by slowly more people were showing up. things started to look the way they should, but of course we didnt start at 1000hrs. more like 30mins later or so, idk.
the black belts started to show, and slowly settled down.
once things were in order, the grading began.
first it was the yellow belts (we didnt have any white belts) doing their kihon 1 and kihon ido 1 then their kata.
next up was all the greens, browns, and probationary black (danielle and i). kihon 2 and kihon ido 2. kata.

danielle and i were the last two to play our katas. she went up first cuz her name was placed before mine (alphabetically speaking). she was asked to perform one of the taikokyu katas, tenshou, sanchin, sanseiro (not sure about them llolololol).

then it was my turn.
100% serious mode. great feeling.
first up was taikokyu kake uke. shouted kata name, and began.
messed up the second step. supposed to do a mai geri and then a mai hijiate, but i did a mai geri, mai hijiate AND a chudan zuki.

"flip" i said.
yes, i said that out loud, but not too audible.

i returned back to heiko. i heared shihan ask "are you ready?"
"hai"
"okay again".

did it again, this time no mistakes.
good.

next was seienchin, sanseiro, and then sanchin.
jerome had told me earlier that i might need to take off my top gi during sanchin so they could conduct the necessary "tests" during the kata. it didnt worry me, i just took it as getting used to being topless at various times during NS.

but anyway. before i began the kata, i asked if i was required to remove my top gi, but they said that it was not necessary. so be it.

so i begun the kata, reliving the same moments so many years ago when i took the grading to be promoted to shodan-ho. and now, taking the same grading to be a shodan. joseph ho was the tester since he had booked out from army. i made tiny mistake, but i hope the panel didnt notice it.

once i was done, it was time for lunch (1300hrs), we bought macs at T16 (imagine a group of fellas walking with full gi, some without belts, all the way to T16). saw fareez otw to SMA with 3 of his friends, waved to him, and he waved back with a "hey".

got the norm, mcspicy, brought it back to concourse to eat with the others. reached at 1335hrs, and ate up quickly. last one to finish though LOL. reporting time was 1345hrs, but i think other people only started to show up at 1400hrs. late people make things happen later. bad bad bad.

began the competition at like 1430hrs or something. medics had arrived. my kata event was the 3rd event to go i think, and was first pitched against ei fong. i played seienchin and he played geksai 1. . naturally, i won. then i was up against jerome. kevin came up to me before the match, and confirmed if i was playing sansero. i confirmed with a "yes", and he reminded me to "be firm", taking me back to thursday's training when he helped me learn how to play it better.

seriously, my best buddy in poly. he's such an amazing person.
i thanked him, and got ready for the bout.

jerome was aka (red) so he went first. he played suparinpei: a kata that he had learned during my absence. high level (i think) black belt kata. with my sansero, i was sure to lose.

he started.
a third way in, he stopped. he had forgotten the next move. remembering, he continued.
a little way more, he stopped, figuring out the next move. once again, he remembered, and continued.
as this continued to happen a few more times, i was convinced that i still stood a chance with my lower level kata.

he closed his kata once he finished, and walked out of the mat.
my turn.
game face on, lets do this
its either my best, or i'll be bested.

walked along the outer perimeter of the mat to the center.
turned to face the panel.
bow.
walked into the mat, stopping 2/5 of the way in.
stood in heiko stance, then remembering to be in musubi dachi, i made the changes.
dangit. lol. *game face still on*
shouted my kata name in my competition voice.
do or die.
if i play this kata beautifully, i could just win a gold.
lets go.
first step.
second step.
third step.

all eyes were on me.
because i demanded it with my presence.

"look at me play my kata, and be awed. im not afraid, neither am i ashamed."

hand to shoulder.
snap down.
twist hips, step forward, right handed scoop, left handed break, leaning forward. all in one second.
look frontwards, X-block, left front kick, step down, right leg forward stance, right front elbow, left cross punch down.

pause.

pull right leg back to cat stance, raise up, snapping down into a knee-breaking kick, cross over left foot, turn.
left front kick, step down, right leg forward stance, right front elbow, left cross punch down. pull right leg back to cat stance, raise up, snapping down into a knee-breaking kick, cross over left foot, turn.

completing the 4 directions, i paused a short while. next step. lower X-block.
right leg crosses left leg horizontally with an over-body grab, then moving back likewise to the previous stance with a mixed block/elbow strike.
looking to the right now.

pause.
right leg sweep, hands sweeping in a mawashi uke, stepped forward with a small forward stance and a morote zuki. my kiai fills the room fiercely.

right leg steps over, turn, left side block.
one step forward, another side block.
down to low stance with my left leg, mixed block/elbow strike.
left leg sweep, stepping forward with a small forward stance and once again, a morote zuki. my voice fills the room again. mercilessly. a death cry.

pause.
left leg crosses over, turns. im facing the front now in a low stance. my hands sweep up in a circular motion, displaying a crane block. i pause a good while, maybe 3seconds long. it feels like eternity.

i close my kata. bow. and step to the side i was assigned to. jerome steps in, stands on his side.
soon, the decision has to be made. jerome with his high level kata with a few mistakes, or my lower lever kata filled with my best.

3, 2, 1.
5 flags are raised.

1 for red.
4 for blue.




i won.

Dreams of demons

Another two weird dreams last night.

The first was held in a cave: Just as we began down a well trodden path, we turned left and soon came across a stone tablet on a wall, which concluded the path. About 80cm across and 1.5m tall, it read something about the undesirable fate of people who decided to carry on along the path. a large and spacious mansion, carved out carefully with delicate beauty. Staglamites and stalactites enormous in nature held the ground above and below, preventing terrible destruction from collapsing. We, a group of sorts, were admiring its majestic nature. Though the path stopped in front of the tablet, the leader in our group promptly picked up his pickaxe and with the blunt end, pushed the stone tablet further into it's crib.

I immediately knew that something bad was to happen. Seconds later, the ground jerkes and trembled in two successive times - our fate was alread here.

Air gushed throughout the cave, and especially stronger at the path we were all on. I rushed back to the entrance, but it had been sealed up by sand which had somehow solidified. Dust kicked up as the wind rushed about, as if oblivious and uncaring of our presence.

Hiding in the corner where the wall meets the sand-constructed seal, I faced the wall, palms covering my ears, eyes screwed shut, and waited for my fate.

The screaming wind and quivering walls felt human to me, but even worse than that, a harbinger of death, as the intensities grew stronger wih time.

Soon, when I knew it was my time, I instantly felt lighter. I opened my eyes carefully, expecting to see death strewn about, but only to notice light. Beings of light. Their form was that of human, yes, but void of features. There was no discernable face, limb, nor any part of them that says huamn. Furthermore, you could see through, and past, them; their only sillhouette depicted by only lines of light.

I raised my hands to my face and noticed that I, too, was a being of light.

-end-

Yeah I cut out a bit of the ending of my dream so that it would be a nice story hahaha. The events afterwards are really boring, like how I met someone I knew and we walked up a flight of stairs and then end. I woke up after that. Hhahaha. Boring right XD.

It was 5ish-am when I woke up. I was terrified somehow. I went to the toilet, peed, and while going bsck to my room I was so afraid thst I might see those beings of light kingering in my house. I prayed I prayed I prayed so hard that I wouldn't have to lol.

Weird dream.

Sickness. Yucks.

Oh man.

Vomited at around 3pm on saturday, then after 30mins or so, vomited again. First out was my lunch (nasi lemak) then probably my breakfast or dinner from the night before, judging from the consistency and texture of the vomit.

Yucks right? I know. Hahahhahha

Rested at 5ish-pm, all the way till 11pm.  Slept at 2+am on the couch in the living room because of the discomfort. I lined the couch with my blanket since the couch had a cloth over it which mom washes, and it was scratchy and annoying. Tried to coax the last instalment of vomit out but it didn't work. Since the couch was right by the windows which were wide open, the cold breeze was coming in steadily. I noticed that whenever I shivered, I would get the urge to puke. So I kept myself exposed to the cold wind (masochistic me hahaha) and tried to coax the vomit out. Guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK. So I tried to go back to sleep. During the intense shivers I would pray repeatedly to feel better.

During all these rests, I was drifting in and out of sleep with weird dreams all the time. Woke up at 3am by my parents to go back to my bed. I moved my pillow and shirt (see how much I exposed myself to the cold breeze) back to my bed while dad carried my pillow and bottle and vomit bucket (in case I needed to puke and the toilet was too far away) (and it somehow helps me to vomit idky).

And then BAM it hit me. I could walk nornally without stooping over, I had a particularly clear mind, no headache, I had reasonable strength (considering myself a sick person), and no nauseatic feeling. Weird!! I immediately linked it to the cold weather and dismissed how absurd it was. But upon later reflection, I knew that it was an answer to my prayer.

I took sunday off to make sure I recover well. Plus I didn't wanna get anybody else sick unintentionally. Supposed to attend ward council meeting at 11am but bishop only sent me the text at 9.39am. And Bro Karl whatsapped me at 11ish-am (probably when the meeting was over). Furthermore, I only woke up at 2pm. Guess my body needed more time than I thought to recover.

-its 0044hrs now on monday morning and the sound of rain is so comforting, how it drowns out the rest of the world-

I had porridge for lunch/dinner at 6pm. Showered. Rested again and then had vegetable soup (childhood memories ohmy) since it was a thin soup (not so taxing on my stomach) for dinner at 2340hrs. Then here I am, back in my bed...

FYP group calling me back to be in school tomorrow at 1000hrs but I told them that idk if I can make it on time or at all. Yes I feel better but not yet fully recovered. I guess my immune system isnt that strong after all :/

Then I've gotta be back in school for the rest of the week for the engineering show. School should have been cancelled if I were a year2 or year1 but since I have fyp...its gonna be normal engie show. Sigh.

So yeah...hopefully I can skip engineering show but I don't wanna be sick for so long...

After all thats been said and done. [4 Jan]

Sometimes, I feel like quitting.

Quitting in school.
Quitting in karate.
Quitting in music.
Quitting in church.
Quitting in life.

There's so many things I wish I never had to go through. Has it made me a better person? Not necessarily. Has it made me a worser person? Hard to say.

And for the past two nights, I've been having dreams. Not common for me to have dreams two nights in a row. What makes it even worse is that I dream of so many things in one night, and they're especially random which doesnt seem to hold any significance. It seems to be around 8 different dreams each night, maybe more. All random, all short in duration. It could be as random as me eating breakfast, or me crying to a song sung by Ali. 

"Don't Be Foolish". 

I remembered the lyrics, and when the song started playing, I started to cry. And I don't know why. But hey, it's a dream after all. It's not like as if we know what's going on all the time.

Nobody knows the grime I go through of living the life I have, and nobody knows what it's like to have a personality like mine.

I dont even know where im going.