.dwindling circles.

the exams are getting on my nerves.
its making me feel stupid and horrible.
it makes me look back.
back when i was in secondary school.
how i used to be so different.
and look at me now.

lazy.
procrastinator.
unsociable.
losing sight of things.
unfocused.
lost the fighting spirit (for studying).

and now, losing sight of everything.











talking to ali now, and she makes me feel better.
the things she says.
the things she does for me.
i dont know if its what best friends do for each other.
but im sure its something that couples do.
yet we're not a couple.
how does that even work?

and here i am, thinking.
thinking really hard.
do i deserve such a person?
i probably would if i was in secondary school.
and have i done enough for her?
so do i deserve to have her with me in my life, with things as they are right now?
but now, im not so sure.
poly has definitely changed me.
it has made me worse than before.
but with knowledge that i could not have gained had it been any other way.

so now i think about whether i make the right choice going to poly.
or would i have been better off in jc.
heck, i couldnt get into a jc even if i wanted to.
with L1R5>20,  they wont pick me.
but if they had, i wonder what i would be like right now.

would i be more hardworking
would i be more sociable
how would my peers affect who i am
what cca would i have joined
and how would it mould me
who my role models would be in school
how i would have responded to the stress
the madness
the long nights
the ones where you just wanna throw in the rag
and call it a journey to be ended

i dont know
i dont know how i would be in the end
i dont know if things would be better or worse
i dont know how to make things better even
i dont know if going to poly was the right decision
i dont know if i should have gone to jc instead
i dont know so many things



so what am i sure of?