Sluggggg

Woooooow. I finally stopped dreaming at night. For three whole weeks, ive been having weird random dreams, and remember them every morning until noon, which is when they slowly begin to be forgotten.

About time I got proper sleep.

Anyway, the past two weeks have been torturous and horrible. Shan't go into details because its really not something I wanna talk about. Reason being because people will judge. And since they dont understand, why publish unnecessary information for people as such to see?

Blah.

Band and karate and church has been my de-stressers. Its the place where I can put my worries aside and just enjoy myself. Though there was a problem...

But anyway. I dont know why people like me. Not as in a crush, ec(?) or whatever. Like me as a person. Sometimes when I go through a difficult experience, I see so much of myself. And sometimes I wonder if my friends actually know this side of me. And if they do, what makes them stay? Who am I to them? Since when did a person with so many problems become sometime people wanna hang around?

I dont get it.
Sigh.

Sent (sister) danna off at the airport last wednesday. Had dinner with the ysas at her place the friday before. Glad we took a picture. She printed it out and wrong a nice message on the back. Sigh, gonna miss her. All my missionaries are coming in and out at the same time, its so much to handle. I have 2 more (I think...?) coming back this year. Titus and jie. Dk who else. Then missionaries just had transfers a while ago...

Supposed to join in cay's film, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to back out. Sigh. Then see instagram, so many pictures. Felt so guilty. Then sp class went for bali trip. Even more pictures. Turned then down when they invited me cuz it crossed a sunday. So I see instagram, felt so guilty too.

Horrible month.

Except for the times when I teach karate to the kids. Earned money, though not a lot...sigh. I need a job. I want a job. But im just lazy. And unprepared.

No motivation.
No fuel.

Im like...out of juice for anything already. Im like just waiting for ns only. Sian. But the thing is I need to keep going. I know I have to, if not, things will fall apart, snd ill ill have answering to do. And of course I dont want that. But its just...im losing it. Im not as enthusiastic about it anymore. So much work to do. And so I really wonder, "am I up to it"? Am I really tasked to have a responsibility so large? Im just a 20 year old guy with little or no experience. Was I tasked just because it was the most convenient, or was it because there was no one else, or perhaps because I was tbe most suitable for it?

But whatever it is, im not keeping up as much as I should be. Ive become reluctant, a bit, but still, quite a fair bit.

And then I wonder when I can stop worrying. About all this. I dont even wanna pick up my phone anymore.

Can you see how bad it is?
People shouls just stop having expectations of me. It drives me nuts.

Anyway. Karate. Walked 1 hour yesterday (friday) aftee training just to get to the mrt station. Because the stupid bus ends servixe at 8.25pm, and our karate class ends at 8.30pm. How splendid. Foot pain.

Then today went for dental in the morning. Supposed to go swimming with frances so she can check my strokes (confirm got error one cuz I figured it out by myself), then go church for rs. Played flute horribly, the shot pictures for the rest of the time. Ended at 4.20pm, so couldnt eat. Then rushed up to mish prep, then chiong back home to edit pictures.

TIRED LIKE MAD.