Messy messy messy.
I don't wanna be here.
This isn't what my off day is used for.
I should be relaxing, not working.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I in this position?
Why am I assigned with these duties and responsibilities?
Why am I in charge?
Why am I here?
Why am I doing what I do?
Who am I to you?
Why are you so complicated?
Yesterday was a happy day. A happy afternoon. An ecstatic evening. A horrible night.
I should be happy and feeling overjoyed now.
But it isn't the case.
Stop taunting me.
[27 June]
But it seems like I'm making a wreck of myself, and I can already see the cracks spreading out to form a web. It's slowly affecting my day, my routine, my mood. And it sucks. It really does. I know I can be so much more, but I'm just stuck here and slowly degrading into something that I and others ever wanted me to be. Why is it affecting me so much? Something that others would consider inconsequential could make such a big difference in my life. Is it really inconsequential? Insignificant?
It indeed has been a large part of my life, affected so many decisions, affected my lifestyle, the friends I choose...im here going through the same questions once again. Funny how sure I was that the decisions I made would last me a lifetime.
Are decisions so short lived?
I'm down at the point where I could pretty much settle for anything that could make me happy. But of course, there are some things that I know I mustn't do. But, I just don't know how long I could last on my own. Besides, isn't the human spirit supposed to be full of life and willpower, devotion and inner strength?
Had SCGP just 2 days ago, really wanna blog about it. But not now. I need to clear my mind and set my path straight. I don't see me being satisfied with anything until I get these stuff sorted out. My oh my.
[24 June]
For the past three days, it's all been rehearsals back to back for tomorrow's parade. It's crazy tiring. But at least not do bad, we pretty much are quiiiiite ready for the parade by Tuesday. Just some small adjustments and we would be about 70% done already. According to my standard lah. I love parades so I really want a good show. Aim high!!
The people around me are from the support side...mostly are men who converted to sergeants. Unlike the rest of us medics, we went through foun term first then got posted for as medic spec. For them, they didn't have foun term. So that explains their different attitude. We can do things that they can't, and we so things different than them. Not because we are special (well we kinda are), but because they have a different attitude towards many things. We medic specialists are really bonded. These guys are a different story.
And we are marching together with them in the same contingent, possibly just because we don't have enough numbers to make up a contingent. Sad story. I tell you, if we had a contingent specially for medics, we would totally rule the whole parade. For sure, we would be the most satki contingent. We everything will do sui sui like kilat only. Haiyoh. We have our pride as a medic, but the organisation doesn't allow us to express that pride. SAD RIGHT??
But whatever lah. After parade we'll spend time taking pictures with each other. Our last few moments with each other together as a course... I'm gonna miss them all. Gonna miss the times we shared...
Anyway. I've got my parents coming, and about 4 others. Too bad they're all girls. I hope mom and dad don't get the wrong impression. I really got invite other guys but they all cannot make it in time. And these are the few who could... And among them...jangjangjangjaaaaaannnnngggggggg. I guess I should pre-em my parents first so they don't think so much XD
Today it rained in the morning while we were on the parade ground running through the full sequence. But being the soldier that we all are, we continued on until the end of the first half where we march off. Most of us were soaked, our berets were dripping with rainwater. Macam garang sia, like infantry like that XD then went for lunch wet. Anyway. Taopok not coming tomorrow. Basket. Already tell her ask parents early but then she never. Now got thing pop up so she cannot come. Sigh. How lah like that...tsk. Disappointed. The others seem quite steady. At most... It would be just my parents. Man. I really wanna have friends at my parade. Why is it so hard...i would drop my day's schedule for you all...
Hahhaha okay lah. I won't post pics here. Only on Instagram and Facebook. Since practically no one except YOU actually read my blog.
Don't blame me, I never had the feel to publicise it.
But I guess I should, some time soon.
Then all my moments would be revealed to the world~
[23 June]
Meet up with my sec4 class this Saturday!! I can't wait!! They're the best classmates I've ever had. Best bunch ever. Shared the band exco with them, shared the council exco with them too. We were practically going to school together, and then leaving school together too. I had Ezra and Nikki with me for seminary, class, band and exco together. Jace was with me in the same class and band ever since sec1.
Man, I miss school. I miss the times when we just hung out together. Grades were never a big issue because we always helped each other out.
I miss band. We sounded great playing together, shouting together, planning stuff for the band together.
I miss being in the council. Running each day as a committee was awesome. It really felt like we were really moving mountains when we planned for events.
I miss the teachers!! They were all so supportive of us. They answered every question we had and never got angry no matter how crazy our questions were. We joked with each other everyday.
The yearly class chalets we had ever since graduation were always awesome. We would hang out late at night and just talk, sing songs, watch movies, swim, barbecue... I really miss those days. We were really bonded!! Too bad that everyone is busy with growing up...army, University, relationships, work...
But it's alright. At least I still have my long time bros. The few of us shouldn't lose contact with each other. I really believe that we won't. 5years down the road, we'll still put in the effort to meet with each other. 10years is a bit too far to guess, but most of us should be married by then. It would be super cool if we had the chance to meet up, and bring our wives and husbands along XD
I wonder what the future holds for us :)
[24 June]
Brandon from army said that in primary school, he mixed better with girls than with guys, and that he had no guy friends in primary school.
I see a part of him in me. I do mix better with girls than with guys. Except the few. Maybe it's because girls are easier to talk to. And because of their nature. They have this happy aura-ish glow kind of feeling about them. And then after a while, I get all comfy and do/talk something weird.
I worry less when I talk with girls for the first time. Most of the time it's easier to talk to them than with guys. Conversations flow smoother. If I were to talk with guys, sometimes I feel the urge/need to portray this strong-willed guy. Quite simple because I'm not large in stature, and to some, I might seem weak and frail. Hence the urge to portrait an image.
Revisiting this topic again, it does some good for me. I get to analyse myself once again. I mean, everybody needs to do that once in a while. Have you been living the way you want your life to turn out? Have you been doing the necessary to make sure it does? Are there influences in your life that bring you further away from who you want to be?
I must admit, there have been quite a number of times when I needed to stop myself and take a few steps back. Tough, but necessary.
I wonder about a lot of things. I wish I could solve things by thinking about them, and then they would be rectified just as the thought went by. That would be pretty cool.
But whatever.
I miss convention.
I want to rewind to that Sunday afternoon.
---------------------------------------
Take me back to that day. I want to be happy again. I want to be at peace again.
This week was a big big mess.
Book in on Wednesday morning. From Wednesday to Saturday was all just lecture lecture and lecture on how to be a good sergeant. Also included vocational sharing. Super boring. Saturday came, vocational sharing again. Was told to do area cleaning because sergeant major wanna inspect (even though he wasn't in camp, heard that he would come back just to check). Clean already, waiting for inspection then news came that he wasn't gonna inspect. Basket. After that waited a while before heading down to book out. Supposed to be by syndicate level, from 1 all the way to 30, which meant I got to book out earlier than the others.
Next news we heard is that some people feel not fair. So now change to first-come-first-served. This was before inspection was cancelled. Other syndicates were already waiting for the (indented) buses below our block (which was the designated waiting area). Cluster there, then we headed down, then wait. After that got updated news that now they gonna see which syndicate handed in their book out forms first. We all not happy liao. Then after that updated news again that they gonna draw lots.
WTF. Just make up your mind. We learned how to suck thumb, but this really is too much already. You keep changing instructions every half hour wth?
So in the end we all draw lots. We tio first wave of buses and the last bus in that wave. Instructions were to take the bus, so all cannot walk out. But like wth right. Okay, fine. We wait. We eventually got on the last bus. Basket, supposed to be one bus hold one syndicate. End up we hold extra guys from other syndicate because got extra seat. Bugger then like that the last few buses won't have people already right then indent for what. Waste money.
But seriously, whatever lah. Get out of that camp can already. In the end got people caught for walking out, then the command team in charge of booking out not happy. So now because cannot identify who it was that walked out, he decided to punish everyone. So now everybody book in early. From 2145hrs become 2100hrs. Bugger. So that's Saturday in camp.
Went straight to church for institute. After that attended father's day celebration in church still. Ended about 8ish but left at 9pm. Freaking tired already by then. Some more ended becoming the last ones to leave because some of the guys wanted to play basketball and we needed to lock up. So then left late. Super shag already. Went home, wanted to listen to music but then got people mah so talk lah. Idw them to think I emo or what but I really damn tired so just such thumb and talk. Missionaries there also and they keep asking me about army. I'm like walao eh I'm super tired already and now you wanna talk to me about army, which I already had a bad day at. Last thing I wanna talk about is army.
Fine whatever, my missionaries, so I talk. It was so hard to pay attention to them. Firstly because they keep asking me about army. Then some more they talk so soft that I needa strain my ears to hear what they're saying. Walao eh tia bo sia...nvm lah I try my best. After that they alighted, then it was just me mom and a few others. They all alighted by sembawang so I finally had some peace.
Bluff.
Mom/dad ask me about what to do about this and that because we right now reno our house so now very messy. Can't cook also so I feel really restricted. Floor dusty like mad then must wear slipper all around the place. Fine. So they keep asking me and idk how to reply because idek what the place looks like. Basket by the time I reach home and shower finish, the time like already 2210hrs sia. Decided to forgo playing com and just do what I can to tidy up and organize the whole place. Had a bit of a tussle here and there because I was so freaking tired and my temper really almost blew up.
Ended up not doing anything to the place so I went to play com. Went to bed but was messaging my friend who shall not be named and then slept at like 1+.
Sunday wake up tired like shit. Go to church in cab. Supposed to practice song but no go because young men all haven't arrive (we only have 3) so me and gboy go help set up. Finish setting up then sac starting le.
Fast forward to after church, had home teaching, then went to grandma's place because home cannot cook, helped her with her phone problem, eat liao then lepak. Dad Skype with kor then mom fell asleep sitting on the couch and I was just talking with grandma. Mom woke up and dk wanna do what and then ask me to go sleep inside the room then I just kept shaking my head. She was so insistent. I told her "ma 9pm".
Walao she totally forgot that I need to book in today. Like wth man. But fine whatever lah okay if yall wanna take your time then I'm gonna go back first because I don't wanna tio from this stupid encik. In the end we went back tgt, I slept whenever I could, reach home wanna sleep but really rushing to pack my army stuff. Got quite agitated also because I'm rushing to look for my stuff that I need to bring when they're all over the house (because of the reno, mom/dad needed to move things around) so I need to keep asking and run around the whole place.
Only had 30mins to myself before leaving.
Really man.
This week sucks.
Had only 2hrs of relax time.
So annoying.
And even my 2hrs also not peaceful de.
[19 June]
Looking back at the recent past, and I'm still left wondering what and who I was to you during that brief week. You've got me hanging. We exchanged numbers but it's always a one-sided conversation. Even now, I don't text because it seems quite hopeless. There's this nagging feeling everything before I start typing a message out that you would only read it, but never reply. And even if we were to have a conversation, I wouldn't know how to start one. Suddenly, I forget everything I know.
Perhaps I should take a different approach. But in any case, nothings ever gonna happen. We just don't have time for each other. You'll be gone, out of this place, and I'll be stuck here. You'll be in school and I'll be busy with my men. We can't give each other the attention we deserve.
Either way, I believe we're different too. It seems the path we're on now is the same one, but it branches off to different destinations somewhere down the line. Just like what was mentioned before, if you can change me, then you're the one. But right now, I'm still pretty set in my path. Unless a miracle happens really soon. And it's gotta be a powerful one at that.
But even I am having my reservations about them already.
[17 June]
Booked in back to pasir laba camp, ended up in foxtrot with Daniel (from medic course), and we're staying on the fifth floor. Great. But at least it's only for a week and a half. Tahan only. We spent the day introducing ourselves, went through a few talks, lunch and dinner. Quite a good-ish day..? Aside from the fact that I was caught twice for falling asleep by my facilitator. Lol. Closed the day at about 6ish-pm. RO wasn't even formal. No one was there to manage us. OTOT lorh.
Picked a bed right by the window, and so now I have direct access to unblocked wind. Shiok sia. Got fan some more. Only problem so far is that this bed frame a little low, so must squeeze the towel in. A bit yucks, but we are army men!! We do disgusting stuff!! Hahahhaha XD the food here is still the same, and I heard from my BMT/SCS foun term guys that they still haven't fixed the non-Muslim side yet. Retarded. 3 months still haven't settle. Haiyoh.
Lights off supposed to be at 2215. Idky. Usually is 2230. And YES, those 15minutes mean a lot. Then again, this is pasir laba camp, we expect no one to check XD first thing tmr morning is 5bx and then 3km run (shag). We have the schedule already, seems like a boring week. Next week is practice whole day straight for the SCGP. And I feel lazy for it. I mean, my marching got standard one, quite up there de. Just that I'm lazy. Hahahhaha. Anyway if got chance for me to be parade commander or anything, I sure steady one. Ex-drum major sia don't play play. Can shout loud loud some more. My marching really up there one!! But haiyah I think I can forget about it lah. I shouldn't talk so much.
And since you're coming, I don't quite know what to do. Talking to taopok about my plans, and she say just go ahead with it. The thing is that the sister is there, and my parents are there too. So...it might end up a little awkward for the sister, and some suspicion might be arise in my parent's mind XD the others won't mind...it's just these three people I'm worried about. And because of talking to taopok, now I'm starting to think about giving you another chance. It's like what they say, my head says no, but my heart says yes. Cliché...but true :/
Anyway.
Pretty much slept all the way ever since ending the day at like 6ish. Must be because I slept at 0130hrs this morning, had 3+hrs of sleep then off I go to camp hahahhaha. Shag like mad hahaha. But I think I okay liao, pay off my sleep debt lo. Spent some time in between my sleep messaging people.
OH OH today I got caught for having long hair XD this bugger guy in charge of us pointed me out and ask me
"you!! Why didn't you cut your hair!!"
"huh sir I got cut" (I actually didn't)
"you call that a haircut?!"
-stare...-
And then...
He raised his glasses further up his nose bridge using his middle finger. Obviously he wanted to point it at me lah but he wanna 出 pattern only. Okay lorh. I continue to look at him. Then he say what wanna take my name and complain to my OC. I was like "erm okay lorh" but I never say out lah hahaha.
Later whatsapp message came from OC asking me why I never cut. I say "sir I ask them cut this style one. Not say long lah, I ask the guy to trim". (so it's actually just my sideburns that's long..? Thats why I say I "cut" that style) so yeah. After that, no message. Alamakkkk hairstyle small thing only then wanna make so much noise...in the end also not you keep the picture right...anyway. 小 Darren also kenna caught but his hair really long XD so during lunch we two go chiong cut hair. Sui lah $4 haircut then the uncle so nice and then he cut sui sui also #totallyworthit
So now my hair quite nice uh. Never cut like this before (because the barbers never get what I mean and then see them cut wrong I also don't care to cut again) but I yolo cut only and this guy managed to cut what I want!! Steady!! I'm ready for SCGP with my hair lo!! ^^
Aiyoh I think today quite uneventful lah. Don't kenna tekan can already. Booking out on Saturday evening. That's the worst thing that could happen man. Missing Institute and my missionary meeting -.- I just hate that.
I stayed up last night, typing out a rant post, fell asleep, woke up in the morning, only to find that it's no longer there.
Well, I'll just forget it. Won't bother writing it again.
It'll never be the same.
Jio you out to a nice, scenic, lepak, laid back, chill place where you have the sun, the wind, the rain, and the open sky all available to you, but you said no. I don't know if you're really unable to go because you have things on, or if you just don't wanna hang out with me. But it doesn't matter. Either way, if you had wanted to, you would have put in the effort. But here, I see none. So let's just leave things as it is.
I'm getting nothing in return, after all that I've done.
I'll leave you as you were.
그냥...
This week has been a horrendous week. Book in on Wednesday, admin stuff all the way till Friday, where we had our last tekan from the command team: stand by bed for 2.5hrs, and in the end only finding a few specks of dust. Waste time, waste energy, waste resources. Waste effort in controlling my anger. Everybody got so agitated, people shouting all over...not a pretty place to be in. Some of us missed our flights out of sg because of the standby bed, some had to cab to meet girlf (kinda glad I don't have plans). Rabak. So many angry people. I somehow managed to not let it show or affect me.
Woke up at 10am on Saturday, missed breakfast because dad said he was going to get but then come back in the end never buy. So he went out again (lol?) to go get lunch, and he brought back nasi lemak. It was around 1230hrs already by then. Left home at 1400 to be at church for mish meeting at 1500, went straight for institute at 1600, ended at 1740, then went straight to stake ysa post-conv activity at 1800. Dana and ethan were both at Institute so I spent the time in between talking to them (since they weren't attending the activity). For the activity we watched "Meet the Mormons" (yay!!), then had a dance lesson from Samantha and Jussi. I wasn't intending to go to at first but my friends were there so I just decided to go for it. Okay lah not that bad lah...since I partnered with bea all the way. Siao ah they ask me change partner sia then we both day dw hahahha. We have common problems XD so we help each other lorh XP anyway that ended well, and so then I looked up for Ben to practice a song that he wanted to play together with me. There wasn't a free score online, let alone one for a flute, so what I did prior was to listen to the video on YouTube and then pen down my part. Not easy, took some time, but I did it eventually. Took me just 3hrs!! :) so we practiced a bit...went back with the guys after that...
So Yeah. That's my Saturday.
[10 June]
Well. I'm supposed to be going for the barbecue this Saturday at chloe's...the main gang is gonna be there and so somehow I feel like I don't fit in although I'm invited too. I don't hang out and chill and talk with that gang so it feels weird lah, even though I was personally invited...i feel bad for turning down the offer though. I mean, how often do you get invited to barbecues for those who stay out of sg? It really is a privilege lah really but I just blew it over some stupid mistake I did during convention. This is my retribution lorh, seeing how kind-hearted I am. But stupid nonetheless.
Taopok trying her best to persuade me to go. She's really trying. But I cannot afford to be so selfish as to make myself happy at the expense of awkwardness on everybody's part. I'm pretty sure those who are going for the BBQ and are in that clique already know what happened lah. If I still go and buat bodoh, then I'm just really making a fool out of myself.
The main point is to meet you and have a proper conversation. I can't do that when you're so famous, when everybody's all around you. I'm just not as "up there" as you to pull off something like that. You may esteem me as such (idk), but perhaps if you do, it didn't come across to me. I guess I'm just as dense as that.
[11 June]
So, after a long night and breaking the rule of sleeping at 2230hrs, I found out that the barbeque has been cancelled. Even then, I'm still not able to go out with the one. I asked the wind a question, so we'll see what the sparrow says in reply. Meanwhile, I'll just play everything by ear. Nothing is solid as of now.
"be water, my friend."
But I'm probably as viscous as cold oil right now.
Talking to hard gay and taopok about it all. The main reason why it's them is because I spent my growing up years with them. From that small weird kid, to the one who shouts, takes charge and beats people up, they've both seen every side of me. And they're probably the only two to have seen all of me...hmmmm. Yeah. And they know more about me than my church friends lol. Ironic. I would have thought that my church friends know me the best. Sorry guys. I should let you all in more. Well, we'll see. See how things play out. The reason why I don't tell them everything is because of possible repercussions within the church if word gets out. Pride issue? Probably. But I don't wanna let my decisions and opinions affect the people who carry out such an important work. It's...detrimental. We all have an image to keep. Only a certain few see the real me.
So yeah. Hard Gay and taopok are both not from church. And they've seen more of me than my church friends, even though I spend lesser time with them than compared to my churchies. But I still love them :)
So back to the main topic. I'm playing on broken ice here, so it's kinda slippery. And dangerous. Since the people involved here are sisters. I'm slowly beginning to let it all slip out of my hands. I'm getting ready to resign. Love shouldn't be a complicated matter as this. But they say, if you really want something, you gotta work for it. I guess this one's someone I'm not that quite into. It might be better if I just forget about it all, and leave things to be the way I found them as.
Spending the night talk to the wind was quite refreshing. Talked about quite a lot of things. Learned some new stuff too. Sigh. I should stop being stupid.
Anyway, last day in nee soon camp tomorrow. Results were out today; I didn't get a golden bayonet, nor a silver bayo, nor beat results, nor best section. Somehow, for some reason, I thought I would be getting a golden or silver bayo. I was quite surprised and shocked AND SAD that I didn't get anything at all. Heck, Navy even turned me down. I'm not getting any of the things that I wanna get. If the Institute even turns me down as an instructor, then I'll really be left with nothing to say. Out I go to unit life. Shag.
Interview for instructor was very quick. I know too much of what my mind thinks. I spilled it all out when the interviewer asked me the questions. I let her know whatever was on my mind. No sugar coating. The cold hard truth. It possibly made me lose a few "points", but who cares anyway. I'm not here to let her her what she wants to hear. Ain't gonna polish your boots for you ma'am.
At least give me Navy lah. I told her that it's just not where God wants me to be. I was complimented for my optimism. But somehow, I feel like as if I'm deceiving myself. Perhaps I've been doing it for a long time already, such that I don't even see the knife that I'm stabbing myself with.
SCGP coming up soon. Invited only the close ones. Someone asked me if someone else is coming, and I said no. When asked why, I just said "I only got invite the people close to me". Sigh. I wonder if you'll come too. But recently, it's beginning to lose it's importance to me. Your attendance, I mean. But whatever. If you come, then you come. I won't know if it's gonna change me in any way or not, but we'll play by ear, won't we? I'm starting to get better at it already, with how things have been turning out lately.
I'm thinking, even if things head south, I'll probably still give you what I prepared for you. It's actually the coolest thing I've ever made ever since learning about power tools and designing. It's still really simple though, but I crafted it with my heart. Hopefully it would be something I could use to win you over.
Hopefully.
I decided to be boring this convention. To be honest, it felt really refreshing.
Hanging around only those I'm comfortable with, taking zero pictures on the official camera, not dancing a single step, not singing a single song, taking things easily during the games, eating whatever I want however much I want, not bothering myself about many people, talking only to people I know, blasting my own music in bunk, and ultimately, watching the sun rise on my own.
That really wrapped it all, the sunrise. Beauty undefined, beauty undescribable, beauty incomprehensible.
After all, I'm quite glad I had that attitude. I didn't need to put in much effort into socialising, and so I easily fell back into my comfort zone. It was so relaxing, just like how you'd feel being in the deep water, or at the bottom of a pool without having to worry about oxygen. So peaceful, so carefree. It would be nice to be back there again for the rest of my life.
But of course, it ain't gonna happen. I feel like I need to be extroverted at times, not only to enjoy the moment with the others, but also because if I don't, then I won't grow.
Then again, might as well stay this way for a while more. It's nice being here.
[6 June]
I've lost touch. It's so weird right now, talking to people. I guess I'm just too used to the army. Getting information quickly, being the one in charge, moving people around at my call.
I've gotten bad at communicating with others. I'm not as sensitive and aware of things around me.
I've become less of a human and more of a machine.
Hearing something I didn't wanna hear, pretending that it doesn't matter, but just keeping my tears from making any sound. In the end, having to put in more effort into things around it because I have to.
So, people shipping me and her together. I'm not sure man, it wasn't in the plans. The one I was going for was someone else, not her.
But who knows.
"Aim for the moon and hit the stars".
Perhaps the intended one is the moon, and she's the star.
Well, idk. It's too early to say now. I'll just have to bide my time and see where things go. I've learned my lesson to not rush into things.
Perhaps I've been out of it for too long. Maybe I've been too introverted in an extroverted environment that I've forgotten what it's like to have someone by you, and that I'm unknowingly searching for it.
Well, that does explain the recent events, I guess. In a way it does. Seems pretty much like it. But even if it is, it would be such a sad situation to be in, or even to have experienced. Being disconnected from the world, that is.
Now that we're sure once again that we're not getting back together, I'll go out of my way to not be in your way. I'll miss events, decline invitations, sit at a corner or just be with the gang. I'll give a simple greeting and move on, and it would be nothing more than that.
I can't even face you.
I don't think I could even hold eye contact.
Such a weakling.
I hate being alone.
I hate being left to my thoughts.
It is a dangerous place to be at a time like this.
It's when everything I want to dismiss surfaces back up again, staring right at me.
I try to push it away, but it follows me wherever I go.
I'm left with this poison that I concocted on my own with what I had.
When will I ever taste peace and joy? I shouldn't ask for more but it's been bugging me.
[2 June]
Well, just before I meet taopok, I just gotta write things down.
Conv was interesting. Slept early the first time while the others were downstairs because I was just super shag. Marion forced me to go back to bunk to sleep. I resisted at first but eventually gave in. I had absolutely zero energy left.
Second night was different.
Well, looking back, I'm sure it was a mistake. I try to convince myself that it wasn't, but deep down I know that it was.
We're not together anymore, so basically what I did was something I shouldn't have done. If I had wanted to, it should have been a long time ago. Truth or dare earlier that night already had things ironed out. Wanted to have a word with you but decided not to.
But whatever I did on that night, I guess it's just me wishing that I could have the past back. If only things were the way they were before, it would be so much different...
So do I regret my actions on that night? Well, it's hard to give a definite answer. It seemed alright at that time because we established some stuff during truth/dare. I went ahead and did what I did. I enjoyed what I did because it was just rare for me to do it. But it was only on the way back home that I had time to think about it. I sat alone at the front seat, being the last one up the bus. I only had my music with me and the world of my thoughts.
I looked back and thought things out, and knew that I had done wrong. It most likely would have strained our relationship, we'll probably distance apart for some time, but maybe even longer than before. But it's alright, I'll accept it bravely. It's the consequence that I have to face for the actions I did. It all started at the reception after truth/dare, when the others were all far ahead, and you wanted to know who it was. I'm not blaming you, I'm just wishing that it never happened.
Well. Stupid of me to let things go the way they did. Most probably you weren't comfortable in the situation, but I had no idea of knowing so I just carried on.
Sigh. We'll have to talk soon.
[26 May]
Tuesday night falls, end it marks the near end of my three days of Summex, summary-exercise, where we are placed in a warzone that requires us to apply all that we've learned to save multiple casualties while working together in a company level attack. We are all given various positions and duties to fulfill.
Just like field camp, we camo on and camp off at the start of every new mission, and typically have one mission every half day. And also like field camp, we get shouted at endlessly, just that this one is only when we're treating the casualties. And also like field camp, we are accessed heavily based on our performance during the missions on these three days in all the roles that we are tasked with. So far we've accomplished 4 of 5 missions, and I've been appointed as platoon sergeant twice, and as a medic once. It was kinda stressful but I managed to overcome it and stay calm and composed throughout :) I guess karate training helped me with that...
Tomorrow is my last mission, and summex ends when that mission is accomplished. Although that's that, we have a practical test on MPAM (that shouldn't be a problem after going through these 3 shit-filled days) and a theory test on something. After that we have a briefing for our attachment (that hasn't been confirmed yet) and then BOOK OUT!! Friday is day 1 of attachment and then go out for dinner with my flutes, then go home wash clothes pack bag for convention!! Be in church in the morning then slowly make our way to campsite. Perhaps someone would get injured and then require my skills!! *hahahahaha*
After that, come back on Monday, attachment for the rest of the week, then some admin stuff back in camp, then FOREVER LEAVE THIS PLACE then go back to pasir Laba for the remaining 1.5weeks. After that, SCGP then get my rank lo :D after 8months of hell...i finally get a real rank :')
I pretty much know who I will invite to my graduation parade already...so if you get my text...please say yes!! Hahahha!!
I just gotta get over tomorrow and Thursday..!!
I'll find a way to fix myself, just like the engineer I am. I'll pick up these broken parts around me, mess around with them, and fix myself back up single-handedly with my broken arm, as I sit on the rocky ground.
Meanwhile, hand me that crutch. I need it.
Just got back from convention today!! Lots things happened but I'm still thinking about one-two things in particular. Gonna meet taopok tmr to tell her everything, get em all off my chest and mind.
Man, so many things happened in so little time. It's killing me even. I cant stop thinking about it. Mehhh.
Well, just wait for tmr. Everything will be well by then.
