"就算了吧"

Jio you out to a nice, scenic, lepak, laid back, chill place where you have the sun, the wind, the rain, and the open sky all available to you, but you said no. I don't know if you're really unable to go because you have things on, or if you just don't wanna hang out with me. But it doesn't matter. Either way, if you had wanted to, you would have put in the effort. But here, I see none. So let's just leave things as it is.

I'm getting nothing in return, after all that I've done.
I'll leave you as you were.
그냥...

This week has been a horrendous week. Book in on Wednesday, admin stuff all the way till Friday, where we had our last tekan from the command team: stand by bed for 2.5hrs, and in the end only finding a few specks of dust. Waste time, waste energy, waste resources. Waste effort in controlling my anger. Everybody got so agitated, people shouting all over...not a pretty place to be in. Some of us missed our flights out of sg because of the standby bed, some had to cab to meet girlf (kinda glad I don't have plans). Rabak. So many angry people. I somehow managed to not let it show or affect me.

Woke up at 10am on Saturday, missed breakfast because dad said he was going to get but then come back in the end never buy. So he went out again (lol?) to go get lunch, and he brought back nasi lemak. It was around 1230hrs already by then. Left home at 1400 to be at church for mish meeting at 1500, went straight for institute at 1600, ended at 1740, then went straight to stake ysa post-conv activity at 1800. Dana and ethan were both at Institute so I spent the time in between talking to them (since they weren't attending the activity). For the activity we watched "Meet the Mormons" (yay!!), then had a dance lesson from Samantha and Jussi. I wasn't intending to go to at first but my friends were there so I just decided to go for it. Okay lah not that bad lah...since I partnered with bea all the way. Siao ah they ask me change partner sia then we both day dw hahahha. We have common problems XD so we help each other lorh XP anyway that ended well, and so then I looked up for Ben to practice a song that he wanted to play together with me. There wasn't a free score online, let alone one for a flute, so what I did prior was to listen to the video on YouTube and then pen down my part. Not easy, took some time, but I did it eventually. Took me just 3hrs!! :) so we practiced a bit...went back with the guys after that...

So Yeah. That's my Saturday.

"I believe in you and me and you"

[10 June]

Well. I'm supposed to be going for the barbecue this Saturday at chloe's...the main gang is gonna be there and so somehow I feel like I don't fit in although I'm invited too. I don't hang out and chill and talk with that gang so it feels weird lah, even though I was personally invited...i feel bad for turning down the offer though. I mean, how often do you get invited to barbecues for those who stay out of sg? It really is a privilege lah really but I just blew it over some stupid mistake I did during convention. This is my retribution lorh, seeing how kind-hearted I am. But stupid nonetheless.

Taopok trying her best to persuade me to go. She's really trying. But I cannot afford to be so selfish as to make myself happy at the expense of awkwardness on everybody's part. I'm pretty sure those who are going for the BBQ and are in that clique already know what happened lah. If I still go and buat bodoh, then I'm just really making a fool out of myself.

The main point is to meet you and have a proper conversation. I can't do that when you're so famous, when everybody's all around you. I'm just not as "up there" as you to pull off something like that. You may esteem me as such (idk), but perhaps if you do, it didn't come across to me. I guess I'm just as dense as that.

[11 June]

So, after a long night and breaking the rule of sleeping at 2230hrs, I found out that the barbeque has been cancelled. Even then, I'm still not able to go out with the one. I asked the wind a question, so we'll see what the sparrow says in reply. Meanwhile, I'll just play everything by ear. Nothing is solid as of now.

"be water, my friend."
But I'm probably as viscous as cold oil right now.

Talking to hard gay and taopok about it all. The main reason why it's them is because I spent my growing up years with them. From that small weird kid, to the one who shouts, takes charge and beats people up, they've both seen every side of me. And they're probably the only two to have seen all of me...hmmmm. Yeah. And they know more about me than my church friends lol. Ironic. I would have thought that my church friends know me the best. Sorry guys. I should let you all in more. Well, we'll see. See how things play out. The reason why I don't tell them everything is because of possible repercussions within the church if word gets out. Pride issue? Probably. But I don't wanna let my decisions and opinions affect the people who carry out such an important work. It's...detrimental. We all have an image to keep. Only a certain few see the real me.

So yeah. Hard Gay and taopok are both not from church. And they've seen more of me than my church friends, even though I spend lesser time with them than compared to my churchies. But I still love them :)

So back to the main topic. I'm playing on broken ice here, so it's kinda slippery. And dangerous. Since the people involved here are sisters. I'm slowly beginning to let it all slip out of my hands. I'm getting ready to resign. Love shouldn't be a complicated matter as this. But they say, if you really want something, you gotta work for it. I guess this one's someone I'm not that quite into. It might be better if I just forget about it all, and leave things to be the way I found them as.

Spending the night talk to the wind was quite refreshing. Talked about quite a lot of things. Learned some new stuff too. Sigh. I should stop being stupid.

Anyway, last day in nee soon camp tomorrow. Results were out today; I didn't get a golden bayonet, nor a silver bayo, nor beat results, nor best section. Somehow, for some reason, I thought I would be getting a golden or silver bayo. I was quite surprised and shocked AND SAD that I didn't get anything at all. Heck, Navy even turned me down. I'm not getting any of the things that I wanna get. If the Institute even turns me down as an instructor, then I'll really be left with nothing to say. Out I go to unit life. Shag.

Interview for instructor was very quick. I know too much of what my mind thinks. I spilled it all out when the interviewer asked me the questions. I let her know whatever was on my mind. No sugar coating. The cold hard truth. It possibly made me lose a few "points", but who cares anyway. I'm not here to let her her what she wants to hear. Ain't gonna polish your boots for you ma'am.

At least give me Navy lah. I told her that it's just not where God wants me to be. I was complimented for my optimism. But somehow, I feel like as if I'm deceiving myself. Perhaps I've been doing it for a long time already, such that I don't even see the knife that I'm stabbing myself with.

SCGP coming up soon. Invited only the close ones. Someone asked me if someone else is coming, and I said no. When asked why, I just said "I only got invite the people close to me". Sigh. I wonder if you'll come too. But recently, it's beginning to lose it's importance to me. Your attendance, I mean. But whatever. If you come, then you come. I won't know if it's gonna change me in any way or not, but we'll play by ear, won't we? I'm starting to get better at it already, with how things have been turning out lately.

I'm thinking, even if things head south, I'll probably still give you what I prepared for you. It's actually the coolest thing I've ever made ever since learning about power tools and designing. It's still really simple though, but I crafted it with my heart. Hopefully it would be something I could use to win you over.
Hopefully.

Worth it.

I decided to be boring this convention. To be honest, it felt really refreshing.

Hanging around only those I'm comfortable with, taking zero pictures on the official camera, not dancing a single step, not singing a single song, taking things easily during the games, eating whatever I want however much I want, not bothering myself about many people, talking only to people I know, blasting my own music in bunk, and ultimately, watching the sun rise on my own.

That really wrapped it all, the sunrise. Beauty undefined, beauty undescribable, beauty incomprehensible.

After all, I'm quite glad I had that attitude. I didn't need to put in much effort into socialising, and so I easily fell back into my comfort zone. It was so relaxing, just like how you'd feel being in the deep water, or at the bottom of a pool without having to worry about oxygen. So peaceful, so carefree. It would be nice to be back there again for the rest of my life.

But of course, it ain't gonna happen. I feel like I need to be extroverted at times, not only to enjoy the moment with the others, but also because if I don't, then I won't grow.

Then again, might as well stay this way for a while more. It's nice being here.

Just like a satellite

[6 June]

I've lost touch. It's so weird right now, talking to people. I guess I'm just too used to the army. Getting information quickly, being the one in charge, moving people around at my call.

I've gotten bad at communicating with others. I'm not as sensitive and aware of things around me.

I've become less of a human and more of a machine.

Hearing something I didn't wanna hear, pretending that it doesn't matter, but just keeping my tears from making any sound. In the end, having to put in more effort into things around it because I have to.

Now and then.

So, people shipping me and her together. I'm not sure man, it wasn't in the plans. The one I was going for was someone else, not her.

But who knows.

"Aim for the moon and hit the stars".
Perhaps the intended one is the moon, and she's the star.

Well, idk. It's too early to say now. I'll just have to bide my time and see where things go. I've learned my lesson to not rush into things.

Perhaps I've been out of it for too long. Maybe I've been too introverted in an extroverted environment that I've forgotten what it's like to have someone by you, and that I'm unknowingly searching for it.

Well, that does explain the recent events, I guess. In a way it does. Seems pretty much like it. But even if it is, it would be such a sad situation to be in, or even to have experienced. Being disconnected from the world, that is.

Now that we're sure once again that we're not getting back together, I'll go out of my way to not be in your way. I'll miss events, decline invitations, sit at a corner or just be with the gang. I'll give a simple greeting and move on, and it would be nothing more than that.

I can't even face you.
I don't think I could even hold eye contact.
Such a weakling.

II

I hate being alone.
I hate being left to my thoughts.
It is a dangerous place to be at a time like this.
It's when everything I want to dismiss surfaces back up again, staring right at me.
I try to push it away, but it follows me wherever I go.
I'm left with this poison that I concocted on my own with what I had.

When will I ever taste peace and joy? I shouldn't ask for more but it's been bugging me.

Blind and deaf.

[2 June]

Well, just before I meet taopok, I just gotta write things down.

Conv was interesting. Slept early the first time while the others were downstairs because I was just super shag. Marion forced me to go back to bunk to sleep. I resisted at first but eventually gave in. I had absolutely zero energy left.

Second night was different.

Well, looking back, I'm sure it was a mistake. I try to convince myself that it wasn't, but deep down I know that it was.

We're not together anymore, so basically what I did was something I shouldn't have done. If I had wanted to, it should have been a long time ago. Truth or dare earlier that night already had things ironed out. Wanted to have a word with you but decided not to.

But whatever I did on that night, I guess it's just me wishing that I could have the past back. If only things were the way they were before, it would be so much different...

So do I regret my actions on that night? Well, it's hard to give a definite answer. It seemed alright at that time because we established some stuff during truth/dare. I went ahead and did what I did. I enjoyed what I did because it was just rare for me to do it. But it was only on the way back home that I had time to think about it. I sat alone at the front seat, being the last one up the bus. I only had my music with me and the world of my thoughts.

I looked back and thought things out, and knew that I had done wrong. It most likely would have strained our relationship, we'll probably distance apart for some time, but maybe even longer than before. But it's alright, I'll accept it bravely. It's the consequence that I have to face for the actions I did. It all started at the reception after truth/dare, when the others were all far ahead, and you wanted to know who it was. I'm not blaming you, I'm just wishing that it never happened.

Well. Stupid of me to let things go the way they did. Most probably you weren't comfortable in the situation, but I had no idea of knowing so I just carried on.

Sigh. We'll have to talk soon.