Pick me

[21 May]

So I heard that the Navy guys are coming down on Friday!! FINALLY AHHHH!! Gonna be the one asking all the questions because I really wanna get in. Change colour, change camp, new friends, new superiors, new culture, new adventures. Kinda excited!!

Yesterday we had nights out. Most of us went out to eat and play CS:GO but I decided to go back home, even if it was for just about an hour or so. Mom's still sick so I decided that going back home would be a great thing to do. Plus she was having quite a hard time, so yeah, she was really happy to hear that I was coming back home.

I guess my time is the most precious thing I can give to others, especially since I'm in the army. SO IF I GO OUT WITH YALL, YOU SHOULD FREE PRIVILEGED OKAY. Aiyah but anyway most of my friends don't read my blog because I don't advertise it. Because they get all the updates from me directly. Media has this thing about it that distances people in a way...

So yeah that's my week so far..? Other than the shag stuff we go through this week (actually not so shag). Next week is the shag one uh. Complete 8 missions in 3 days, and 6 of which will be used to evaluate us, which might determine where we get vocated to. I don't know how it works but it's like the ultimate "test week" for us. SUMMEX is what it's called, short for "summary exercise". It combines all that we've learned during the whole course and puts it into application in varying scenarios. Pretty cool idea but pretty pressuring too hahahha. Oh well.

I hope to accomplish it well. I look forward to the end of next week because that's where the attachments begin!! We don't know which hospital we will be attached to just yet, but we will find out next week, they say. I hope I get attached to khoo teck phuat hahahha so near my house :]

Ambulance attachment most likely will be over weekends...which means missing more days in church. But its an exceptional experience and you don't get this opportunity easily... See how lah. There's some problem with the scheduling of manpower at the fire station side so I'll let the higher ups here in camp settle it out with them.

Plans plans plans!!

[19 May]

Figuring out who to invite to my POP parade sia...i have too many people I wanna invite but I can't possibly have all of them go...then all from different clique so later it will be awkward for them.

Sigh. Guess I'll have to pick just 1 from each clique..? But even then that's a lot of people still...the people who helped me get through this course...how sia :/

Anyway saw madam Daphne today at the cook house with her team. Too bad by the time she was alone we needed to zao already. Got so many questions to ask her about her job...

This week and next week is combat phase, the physically xiong part of my time here in my course. Trying to tahan throughout without making my condition worsen. I'm still sick from 2 weeks ago, but my body's showing signs of recovery. I'm quite glad..? Although it means that I won't have any solid excuse to fall out. aiyah but I'm not the type to lah either way. So no issue. I've got my fighting spirit!! I believe I won't have a reason to fall out because even though I'm not as strong as when I'm not sick, my will is strong. That can carry me through all the stupid nonsense that I get and also the tiring training I go through!!

Guard duty on Sunday was madness. I had some time to write up a nice blog post but I don't know if I'll publish this one. It's a bit close to my heart and I believe it's something only the privileged ones will hear about. I slept at 7pm on Monday night, woke up at 11pm, then went back to sleep all the way till Tuesday morning at 5.15am without any interruptions. Best sleep I've ever had in the army lol.

Oh and I wanna go back to adventure cove!! I miss that place and all my friends there :( I'm making plans to go already but got quite a number of people so a bit hard to coordinate hahahhaha. Got one special person so we'll just be going alone I guess~

YSA Convention at the end of this month, diving trip somewhere in January next year, temple trip somewhere in June...i can't wait for all these dates!! I can't stand to stay here for too long, I get demotivated really quickly because of all the crazy things I go through and all the crazy people I meet...it drains me out so fast hahahhaha. Going out helps me recharge :)

I CANT WAIT FOR JUNE TO END!!

Heart of glass II

So on Tuesday we were taken by her, but I kinda just used that day to be more familiar with her. She took us on Wednesday also so that's that.

Why does she look so stunning in everything she wears?

On Tuesday we did ECG, and then before a break we were talking and then I said that I'd volunteer to be the guy being pasted on. She said "okay ah you say you want now later don't back out ah". Because the volunteer would get a kit kat. When the time came and she asked for a volunteer, she immediately looked towards me (she knew where I sat) and I smiled but I didn't go up. Yeahhhhh I got shy, so someone else from my section eventually went up.

Yes, what a disappointment.

At the end of the day, I got as many reasons as I needed to stay back until there were just a small handful of us in the room. I went up to her and said "ma'am sorry about just now ah, I shy ah". Then she said "don't worry, tomorrow (Wednesday) still got ______".

But ma'am, I gave you my word and failed to deliver. That's what I'm disappointed about. Now even though there's a second chance, it will never be the same.

Sigh.
Chasing girls in army not easy ayyyy.

Anyway. On Tuesday night I dreamt that I wasn't the one to report strength anymore (though by right, I shouldn't be already...). I dreamt that I was handing over the position to someone else, and somehow the thought of that just killed me.

YES I consider that dream as a nightmare.

So now I'm thinking. Would I stay here in this camp as an instructor, just so I could know her more? Or would I follow my desired path and be in the Navy as a medic? There's just too little time to make any proper decision. For all I know, it could just be a simple infatuation, nothing more, and that I could be wasting my time and efforts, getting my hopes raised up for nothing.

Heart of glass III

So well Wednesday was the day of reckoning I guess. My last day as LPS.

In the morning after breakfast and all, we were forming up for our first parade when suddenly a man carrying a wooden stick appeared. Some people noticed and then there began my small panic mode. I had nooooooo idea what to do. So sergeant told me to take things slowly. Eventually we got the guys formed up well, then I started the procedure to greet the man in green. I sedia-ed myself, then shouted "spec course, diam. Spec course, sedia".

Bodoh.

I marched over to the guy, who was now behind the platoon, and then suddenly he stopped me and asked me to do it again. #okaylorh

Marched back, and for some stupid reason I made the same mistake again. I diam the platoon already then sedia them. But anyway I was expecting a different result lah but that one too long to explain. So anyway I eventually got it right, marched to the back (again) then saluted him. ME5 worh, equivalent to a Captain rank. So after that whole ordeal, I sighed. I really did hahahhaha!!

Had practical in the morning, lunch, clean bunk (because of some stuff they did to the bunks, it became super dusty and disgusting) then got some updates from OC, lecture (the two lecturers took us although it was the pretty one who did all the talking) about the medical centre attachment on Thursday, then ISM (big shot) engagement where he showed us some of his pictures/experiences that he had when he went for operations in Afghanistan. After that we did more cleaning, then book out!!

Oh and I got the office number for the two lecturers!! I'll probably give them a call and ask the pretty one if I can meet up someday to ask some questions. KACHING.

Headed straight to church for institute because meet up failed. Slack one corner and suck WiFi while waiting for institute to start. Institute was fun as always, and there were so many people that I didn't recognise. Such a weird feeling. At least I was sitting beside someone I knew :) we ended the last class for the semester with sushi. I forgot how to eat sushi the the proper way but heck forget it lah just eat only.

Went back home with the guys (so glad I could finally see them) but one of the big players wasn't there so...just make do lah. Eventually reached home and man, I felt sooooooo tired. Showered and used the com till 1am. Bad choice.

The next day rolled around, and I woke up late for my medical centre attachment (as expected ahhahaha). Rushed out of the house like a recruit chionging for change parade. Supposed to reach joo koon mrt by 7am, ended up reaching at 7.20am. Supposed to be at the guard house by 7.30am, and I made it at about 7.35am. Supposed to be at the medical centre by 8am, and I reached at about 7.45am (even though it was super far in) because some ma'am decided to give me a lift just because I was walking on the road instead of the pavement LOL.

So anyway, I was attached to SAFTI MI medical centre. Pretty cool day!! I learned so much and ended up practicing a lot of things that I learned during the course and also right there at the medical centre.

We stayed back a little bit compared to the other groups because our senior nurse wanted us to practice our IV and also our 4man-drill for heat injury. We were reluctant at first but I believe that this was a super good opportunity to practice the "real thing" in a real environment with professional supervision and critic. I volunteered subtly (more like because the others didn't wanna do it)  and I learned so much!! Super grateful for it :)

Oh and asyraf wanted to interview me for the course video. Being who I am, I did my normal speech (just like how we give talks and lessons and bear testimonies) and once we were done, he said "wa so good, I'll use this for sure"  hahahha. So I'm looking forward to seeing the video at the end of the course!! :D

During lunch I saw asyraf (same name but from my BMT platoon) and we chatted for a while. Cool guy. Met with hard gay too while we were going back when it was raining. He's doing well so I'm really happy for him. Although it was for just around 2minutes of conversation, it was a really great meet up. Man I miss that guy. We decided to go back to training one Saturday!! Just like old times.

So yeah that pretty much sums up my Thursday...

Heart of glass

Monday morning: fall in for morning exercise, but sergeant not there to supervise. Called him so many times, called the others, all never pick up. Got pick up also no use. Ended up having other sergeant from the men side to supervise. Otot marched to cook house to eat leftover(?) food. Marched back on our own.

Monday night: today was a mad day. First two lectures taken by the quite pretty bimbo-looking lecturer. I thought it was the really super pretty one taking us but FINE. then third lecture came around and then one of my friends said "eh Sam I saw the pretty lecturer outside, I think she coming in later". Idky he told me(?) but I think it's because during last week Friday we were taught by her for 3 lectures. And then when I reported strength to her I think I was smiling and everybody saw. Lol.

Anyway yeah she took us for this one lecture!! I was the most attentive during that one LOL. Stupid retard. Anyway yeah I was pretty determined to get her number so I formulated a plan beforehand. YES I'm freakin serious. Anyway she isn't that much older than me so I wouldn't care. Age for me isn't important, just as long as the age gap isn't too big lol I can't imagine being with someone 10years my junior. So yeah. I formulated the plan, but DUE TO UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES, she didn't take us for the last lecture of the day after a practical session.

More about the practical session: we learned about patient transfer, so basically how to transfer patient from a bed to a wheelchair and repositioning a patient on a bed. So she was in charge of one of the stations where we practiced how to transfer patient from the bed to a wheelchair. I volunteered to be the patient (actually so I could lie down on the bed really) then she started doing the demo (and then in my head I started to go ohohohohohohohoh). Then we came to the part where we (the patient) needed to hug the aider(?) and the aider would hold the patient's waist.

OH WOWWWWWWWWW.

By this time I was already smiling like a freaking retarded kid about to get ice cream for a present. Yes, I was really smiling like a kid, I'm not kidding. Must have been one of the most happiest times of my life..? But anyway. There I was, sitting on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor, just looking up at her face as she looked at me (actually demonstrating lah). I think I must have had those killer puppy dog eyes that made her say "okay so you hold the patient at the waist like this..."

Okay kidding. That never happened. She actually asked another person to take over her.

My heart decided to stall after flying straight up vertically, causing it to plummet straight down back to Earth only to crash nose first into the ground. Sigh. Yes, it really felt like that.

Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.

Yes.
Thinking about that incident, I don't know how to continue from here. But its not the end of the story. Remember my plan to get her number? :P

So we changed stations, and eventually went back to the main auditorium for the next lecture. That's when my heart sank even more. I was sitting at my seat going through my lesson (that I'll be teaching in church this sunday) when my friend said "eh Samuel wake up lecturer come already". I was thinking "okay what she also won't scold" then when I looked up, I saw two guys wearing their smart4 walking down the stairs.

Shit.
Shit shit shit.
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT RAGE MODE ON.
SHE'S NOT TAKING US FOR THE LAST LECTURE. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT.

Went up to salute the captain, report strength, and then get the class started.

Nevermind, not giving up, I had extra lesson plans with me that I got from the control room which belonged to the HQ side. I'll ask my sergeant for permission to go to HQ and then look for her to return. Then that would be when I ask her for her number with my plan.

When I told my sergeant, he said "huh what extra lesson plans? Where did you get it from?" I told him and then he said "oh that's ours so just pass to me".

"just pass to me"
"to me"
"ME"
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Ohmygoodness I could've killed him right there. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME WHY OF ALL DAYS WHY AND OF ALL THINGS WHY THIS AND OF ALL PEOPLE WHY HER WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY.
Now I am left hopeless, just hanging by a thin strand of hope that she'll be taking us for another lecture sometime this week because if not this week, then I won't be the one reporting strength to her already. It has got to be this week, if not it won't work out.

Btw no one in camp knows about this plan. I feel like a spy whose heart is about to burst.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

Nciekxbhciejwnaloxndksmxkdos

Either gimme a dog,
Or at least someone to call my own.

I'm dyingggggggggggggggg :/

Ware and tare.

This week hasn't been a good week. Nights out on Wednesday, with nowhere to go with no one to go with, I went back home. Had dinner there, then went back to camp. Booked out on Thursday because Friday is Labor Day. 

Spent the whole of Friday with Hyrum and Onson and Ya Cong. We had dinner at Nando's, then Hyrum and I went to watch Avengers. The waiting time for everything was ridiculous. Almost had to intervene for a few people at the Malaysian immigration because of the long and undesirable waiting
time: 3hrs. went back home at the end of the day at around 9ish only to realise that there was contention at home waiting for me. I didn't the whole night trying to resolve the issue that wasn't even mine to begin with. I stayed up all the way until 2am trying to solve it. Didn't manage to do ended up sleeping. 

Woke up at 9am. Did some exercise with mom and then played on the com until it was time to go to church for missionary meeting. Had institute right after that. Ming came in with trish and they sat behind me. Didn't have any feel to go fit mothers day celebration with the ward because things
just working out and the were some last minute stuff that I was assigned to do which I didn't wanna do. Ended up doing it anyway. 

For the rest of the night it was all about celebrating mothers. It was nice, but it was lonely. So lonely. I was smiling and laughing, getting the whole emcee game going on, but it really wasn't me. 

After it ended, I was hoping to go home with the YSAs because I didn't wanna go home alone. But they all left earlier than me. And so sometimes I feel like as if I'm being left out. Went home with mom and dad but went in the train in a different door because I just wanted to be alone. Ughhhhhhhh.

These past weeks have been lonely.
So very lonely.

My bunk is full of people in relationships with people to talk to at night, and in all alone.

I don't mind being alone.
I just hate being lonely.


Time is wearing me down.

I have nowhere to run.
No arms to embrace me.
No shoulder to lean on.
No hand to hold.

I'm just so alone that it's killing me softly from the inside.