Stupid shit.

What an eventful day.

Went for stake ysa service project in the morning. Met bea and ming at smb mrt. Bea reached first then me. Ming had to take a dump so he came later. So bea and I talked about music. Lol. Lindsey sterling. And that song. Meeps. That song that id dedicate to my wife. Perhaps a long-time girlfriend. But heck that would be years later. At least six years. Gosh. Or maybe during ysa conv. Idk I just love singing. Especially this one. I can connect to it really well.

So anyway. Ming arrived then like after one min or so, the train came. So we boarded and headed to telok blangah where the rest are. Basket sia supposed to be harbour front. Stupid you. Went back into mrt then took the train for just one stupid stop. Stupid start to the day. Then after that waited for others. All arrive liao then we go take bus. 16 of us. Then stupid fella never recce. Waste time waste money. Nehmind. Cannot/didnt read map even. "I can reimburse the bus tripvsince we have budget". Please lah. First thing, you got receipt? Second, you don't anyhow use tithing money can anot? Just because its not exactly your money, you talk this kind of nonsense. Seriously lah huh. Wake up. Dont forget such a pain in the butt.

Anyway. Headed down to the person's place. Split into groups. My group got Jonathan child, olive, kojiro, and me. Bro garner went with us. Turns out the guy spoke cantonese/mandarin, so it all boiled down to me doing all the talking and instructions. From the looks of it, we should onky have spent 10minutes cleaning up this old guy's place. Ended up taking like 40ish minutes? Felt like that. Tiring like siao. But felt super good after that. I put my cleanig skills to good use today. Feel so accomplished.

Anyway thats one. Had light refreshment immediately after that at the carpark. #YSAswag. Split off. Went back home by bus then train with some fellas. Bus ride was okay. Train ride was stupid. Horrible. Unnecessary. STUPID. Really. I wish I had taken the train ride back home alone. Stupid words, insensitive, crude remarks. Do you even THINK before you talk? I dont care if you laugh even if youre making that remark. Nobody says that kind of things to another person, unless yall are best buddies. Of which, you, and we, are not best buddies with you.

Please learn to keep your mouth shut.
And stop touching so much me and say "sam youre so boney/skinny".

I couls only just grit my teeth, look away, look ahead, and just say "why do people keep touhing me".

Get your hands off me.
Just be grateful that I didnt lose my control.
You would have regretted.
Regretted terribly.
So, stop it.
I hope you learn your lesson.

Got back home late, about 2.10pm. Took a cold shower because it was so hot outside and I was all sweaty and sticky. Glad I did. Chionged 30mins of L4D2 with pugs. Finished one whole campaign except the rescue.

Left at 3ish-pm for mish prep. First one ti arrive. Went to toilet, then went to class. Gayle was inside. Then after a while kenneth came. Then later he started class, and then galvin ming nora came. Class was good. Somehow had more to contribute today.

Then we all went out for dinner. Met jace and abish at orchard central. Couldnt decide what to eat. So we talked about EWF then macs. In the end we settled for seoul garden at scape. I didnt even know there was seoul garden at scape even though ive been there a number of times. Spent a lot of time talking nonsense having fun blablabla. Going home was stupid again. Sigh. Not only was I out of concessions, it was just uncomfortable for me. Someone felt me AGAIN and commented and AGAIN and I was just trying my best to not be angry. And I didnt wanna be angry. It sucks. so I just kept my mouth shut, and just kept nodding my head, not making eye contact.

Then theres you and you. I just wanted to lock myself up, sit in one corner and just forget that I was on the same train as you. I was so freaking uncomfortable. I had my body facing somewhere else except your general direction, I had one ear plugged in (mind you I was close to having both plugged in), and yall were like dropping hints of mushiness.

Hello.
Im right here.
I could have been attached a few months back but I dont think im quite alright with what youre doing here.

I said I was gonna grab a seat, and I did.
But I never intended on have you follow me.
I just wanted to be alone.
By myself.
No one else around me, at least no one I know.
Just let me listen to my music.
Just like when im all alone.
By myself.

Just let me sleep.
Peacefully.
Alright?

Weets

Oh and uh, I graduated. Cum gpa 2.997. I dont the 2 thoufh. I want a 3 in front...

Jin kangkoh

ANYWAY. Applied for jobs already. RWS should have contacted me for buggy driver but no news even after a month. Oh well. I submitted 5 additional applications yesterday and today (wednesday). I've been having a few busy days here and there, and its all good.

On sunday sister noh told me to follow her on instag (lol) and then asked me to help the cck elders for a dinner appointment at the end of the month. Guess at who's place? The Lee's. You betcha. Gonna see yongwoo. And yongbee's mom. Ill probably grab a picture with them and send it to yb. And then just a solo of yw. I think yb will like that.

Though im kinda looking forward to seeing them, im not that excited about the dinner. My friends would know. SO. I shant talk about it. But still, ill do my best.

I shot for stake rs bday celebration on saturday (22 March) and I got a gift from the stake rs president because of the help. Nice lady. Never doubted it for a second. Ill have to look for a day or way to convey my appreciation to her.

And uh. I wanna go out with sister noh and proffit. I have a question to ask them that needs answering. No worries, theyre all fine. Its just a personal question of mine, and one that I think is answered best by them.

I hate cancelled apppintments.

Of mice and mosquitoes

The past few days has been good to me, except on an occasion or two. Quarrels, as usual. Sigh. It is always during moments like those that I really wonder if I ever really was supposed to be in this life. Im always so different every now and then. But the principles and values still remain altogether. I guess that makes me the same all the time.

At least my phone didnt get taken away. People telling me that I get punished in a weird way, just because my phone, and laptop, gets confiscated. People says that punishments like those are for younger people.

Well then, my question to them would be this: how do you discipline and punish an older person?

The thing is that my parents teach, and scold, by principles. You cant fight against principles. You just cant.  Even if you try, you wont win, becayse they are principles. Thats the most fundamental and basic you can ever get.

And teaching + scolding is one thing. Dont forget about the punishment. How do parents punish an older child? Simple. In my family, it is through the removal of previliges. And they have all the control they can ever imagine over me, simply, because I am their son.

No dispute against that, right?
Well, thats how things are in my family.

And before you think to say that it is ridiculous, let me first tell you that I THINK SO TOO. But the thing is that ridiculous has made me who I am today. I dont see how any other kind of parenting would produce any better results (though of course it will always be possible). And so, to a certain extent, I am grateful for ridiculous, but I dont want to have to go through it any number of times than needed.

But like what mom says, "just dont do wrong".
And like I say, "easier said than done".
But at least she agrees.

Sluggggg

Woooooow. I finally stopped dreaming at night. For three whole weeks, ive been having weird random dreams, and remember them every morning until noon, which is when they slowly begin to be forgotten.

About time I got proper sleep.

Anyway, the past two weeks have been torturous and horrible. Shan't go into details because its really not something I wanna talk about. Reason being because people will judge. And since they dont understand, why publish unnecessary information for people as such to see?

Blah.

Band and karate and church has been my de-stressers. Its the place where I can put my worries aside and just enjoy myself. Though there was a problem...

But anyway. I dont know why people like me. Not as in a crush, ec(?) or whatever. Like me as a person. Sometimes when I go through a difficult experience, I see so much of myself. And sometimes I wonder if my friends actually know this side of me. And if they do, what makes them stay? Who am I to them? Since when did a person with so many problems become sometime people wanna hang around?

I dont get it.
Sigh.

Sent (sister) danna off at the airport last wednesday. Had dinner with the ysas at her place the friday before. Glad we took a picture. She printed it out and wrong a nice message on the back. Sigh, gonna miss her. All my missionaries are coming in and out at the same time, its so much to handle. I have 2 more (I think...?) coming back this year. Titus and jie. Dk who else. Then missionaries just had transfers a while ago...

Supposed to join in cay's film, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I had to back out. Sigh. Then see instagram, so many pictures. Felt so guilty. Then sp class went for bali trip. Even more pictures. Turned then down when they invited me cuz it crossed a sunday. So I see instagram, felt so guilty too.

Horrible month.

Except for the times when I teach karate to the kids. Earned money, though not a lot...sigh. I need a job. I want a job. But im just lazy. And unprepared.

No motivation.
No fuel.

Im like...out of juice for anything already. Im like just waiting for ns only. Sian. But the thing is I need to keep going. I know I have to, if not, things will fall apart, snd ill ill have answering to do. And of course I dont want that. But its just...im losing it. Im not as enthusiastic about it anymore. So much work to do. And so I really wonder, "am I up to it"? Am I really tasked to have a responsibility so large? Im just a 20 year old guy with little or no experience. Was I tasked just because it was the most convenient, or was it because there was no one else, or perhaps because I was tbe most suitable for it?

But whatever it is, im not keeping up as much as I should be. Ive become reluctant, a bit, but still, quite a fair bit.

And then I wonder when I can stop worrying. About all this. I dont even wanna pick up my phone anymore.

Can you see how bad it is?
People shouls just stop having expectations of me. It drives me nuts.

Anyway. Karate. Walked 1 hour yesterday (friday) aftee training just to get to the mrt station. Because the stupid bus ends servixe at 8.25pm, and our karate class ends at 8.30pm. How splendid. Foot pain.

Then today went for dental in the morning. Supposed to go swimming with frances so she can check my strokes (confirm got error one cuz I figured it out by myself), then go church for rs. Played flute horribly, the shot pictures for the rest of the time. Ended at 4.20pm, so couldnt eat. Then rushed up to mish prep, then chiong back home to edit pictures.

TIRED LIKE MAD.

보고 싶어

so i was looking through LYn's latest album, and i immediately fell in love with one of the songs. i checked out her MV and GOSH.

보고 싶어...운다.

im glad for subs. hahahhaa. but i really like how they shot the video. beautiful.

it starts off with piano chords i think, then eases into a nice flow. her smooth voice starts easily, the emotions spilling over. it goes into the chorus faster than it feels (by now im already absorbed into the melody) and then she aces the chorus when she goes for the higher notes. she goes on with her signature (imo) voice and then bambambammmmmmmmm the slight vibrato works magic. its amazing how she eases into the chorus from the other stanzas so easily. its like a river flowing into the sea.

what i like about the song is that its so easy and simple. no fanciful instrumentation and vocals. im amazed at her talent of having such simple but powerful songs.





what a lousy song review.
im meant to enjoy the music, not talk about it.
lol.

Horrible vegetable

I cant quite say how I feel right now exactly. Its just a crazy mix of feelings in a blender.

Sad, disappointed, hoping, desperate, empty, happy, dejected, a bit elated, satisfied. And all the in-betweens. Yeah, that's how I feel. And its messy.

I dont like it. Its the only time when music cant do anything for me. I cant do much for myself either, other than waiting it out. Its the only thing I can do well in circumstances like this.

And its the everyday things and people that I see that annoys me. Its like as if theyre all conspiring against my mood or something to that extent.

I dont like it.

Feeling horrible inside and out but I gotta be smiling all the time so people wont ask and so I wont have to explain.

Its like the wishes you really want to come true but you know that thats all it will ever be.

Cleo says she'll get a horse with me.
Lol.
Its still my dream.
But she's a step closer than I am.
Well.
Maybe more than one step actually.
But still.

I want so many things.
But most of them are just unrealistic wants.
But the one thing I want most now, its totally out of reach.

Every departure breaks my heart a little more.

Weird.

For the past two weeks or so, I've been having dreams at night - the kind that you can roughly remember snippets here and there even for a few hours after waking up, even longer if you put in effort. Friday night's was about sailing, and something else...

And the thing is that it happens every night...so its quite worrisome to say the least.

Every single night.
And I never dream about what I want.
Its always those random stuff.

Meh.

Sunday.

Today is sunday.
Probably just any other ordinary fast sunday.
But its one of the most special-est sundays ive had in such a long time.
In a long time.

Today I reported for ward council meeting a bit late. Reached 15mins after 11am. Didnt send in my agenda but the Elders were already reporting. I sat beside them, and then later the sisters arrived too. Surprise surprise.

Throughout the meeting, I felt so lousy. Things were discussed, yes, but I didnt feel right.
I didnt feel good.
I felt bad.
I felt lousy.
I felt that there was so much to do.
That theres too much to do.
I felt so inadequate.
I felt so small, so insignificant.
I felt hopeless and helpless.

I thought to myself this one simppe question, "am I up for this?"

Am I really able to carry out my calling? I felt so burdened by the calling. Throughoit the remainder of the calling, I couldnt smile. I couldnt laugh at the jokes and funny moments. I felt so horrible. I was thinking why I even accepted the calling knowing that it would be so hard. In fact, I knew that it would be hard, but not this hard.

It came to a point where the thought of giving up had crossed my mind a few times. Look at me: going-to-be-20 year old, have not gone a mission, not experienced in missionary work, in reactivation, in giving out assignments and getting work done, comparably less experience in life and doctrinal knowledge than all the others in the ward council. I felt so much like the oddball. I felt that I couldnt do it. That I really couldnt. Theres nothing that I can do. I am not knowledgeable, not experienced.

Im just not up for it.

I left the meeting feeling lousy. I prayed so much during the meeting to know how I can make things work out well. I prayed so hard and so much, my head couldve exploded from over-heating. But still, nohing.

I forced a smile and a cheery attitude so I wont affect the others. The whole sunday was spent like this. When it was fast and testimony meeting, I shared my testimony on missionary work. I had hoped that I would feel an inkling of the spirit with me by doing that, but I didnt.

I taught a last-minute gospel principles lesson. It went okay.

EQ time arrived and I spoke for 5mins about the ward mission plan. Still didnt feel good. didnt even sit beside ming and thaddus because onson had asked me to sit beside him to discuss some stuff.

Ward missionary correlation meeting after that, still bad. More things to do even.

Rushed over to stake choir after grabbing a few bites from the food prepared by sis cynthia.

And I guess, music was what I needed. Being in the choir made up for all the sadness and disappointment and negativity I had experienced throughout the whole day. I felt the Spirit strongly through music.

There is power in real music.

It was exactly what I needed. It just pushed all my worries away. It was something that had so much magic in its existence alone. It brought the Spirit into my being.

Feeling tired, mom/dad and I went to thaddus' house for dinner with the recent RMs. Spent so much time with thaddus and ming and danna.

Also, exactly what I needed. They have this special ability to just make me smile and make my problems seem so small. They didnt do anything special; they were just being themselves.

My eternal friends.
Theyre priceless.

There is power within your friends.

Saturday

So the 40-day fast has begun (since saturday), though the calendar is still pretty empty. Elders came over to my place to discuss some stuff at 2.40pm. Supposed to be 2pm with the sisters but stuff came up so I thought of a change in plans. Apparently we had a communication error and ended up with the elders at my home. Of course since I was discussing the plans with the sisters, they didnt come. So.....yeah. spent 20mins with the elders.

So at roughly 3.15pm I left my house to go for mish prep. The elders left with me. And goooosh do they walk slow. I was like trying to walk quickly but I think they didnt get the message. Supposed to reach mrt at 3.20ish-pm but ended up reaching at like 3.30pm. Sian max. How come the sisters never gimme these kinda problem one ah haiyoh.

Oh and since I started the 40-day fast, I served the elders water when they were at my place. And I accidentally drank a cup myself since its what I always do when I serve guests. SORRY LAH HUH I TOTALLY FORGOT. Im not used to fasting on a Saturday so I didnt have the feeling of fasting.

Anyway, mish prep went well. Before class ended, I walked around the 4th floor since that was where class was at and since I was feeling sleepy...walking towards the toilet I heard "hi sam". Turned around and saw mara at the lifts. I returned the greeting and asked what she was doing here on a Saturday and she said she had YW activity. I went "ooohhhh" then she entered the lift. Reminded me of what charmaine was telling me about stake youth choir. Then I went by the chapel and I saw lights on. Looked through the door window thingy and saw youth. Bam. Hahahha but so few!! So anyway went to the toilet to wash up then went back to class. Zhun zhun had like 5mins left or something. After that went to kitchen and cope some unlabeled snacks in the fridge. Then walked around to the other side of the 4th floor and then saw neal and gayle and galvin at the chapel door looking inside. I joined them and tried to see who they were looking at/for. No hope so we all walked off, then neal was like "how come so few youth". I went further down the corridor and saw people in the primary room. I walked out and then called out to him saying "eh neal here got youth". He walked towards the room and so did I. I peeped in quickly and saw two familiar faces. Sister Aldrin was conducting the young women with her back to the door. She probably saw the faces of the yw and so she looked towards the door and sae my face smashed at the window. I smiled like an idiot and waved to her hahahahha.

so anyway I was supposed to leave with ming and grab some dinner since he was hungry. But poor him, I was gonna have dinner with my parents already. But I told him that I'll grab some munch with him another day. Promise.

We went to causeway point and ate at food republic. Bad choice. Still. Expensive food and small portions. I had barely filled half my stomach for $5 chicken rice. After that mom/dad went to get printer ink, I went to challenger to see if they had any stuff I could use for my camera kit. Zilch.

Met up and then went down to uniqlo. Almost got new "legging jeans" that was sold at around $30. ALMOST. But no. Various reasons.

Then went down to cotton on so mom could get new shoes. And she did. 2 pairs for $30. Almost got one for me but no size. Fine. And it took so long. it had been like 20minutes deciding on the shoe design and colour, so I went outside and played reversi against AI until mom/dad were done. Went back home after that dead tired.

Sigh.
Since when does shopping take so long.