What do you think?

[22 Feb]

Sometimes I can't decide whether it is just my sleeping pattern or whether I'm really exhausted, but I'm pretty sure I am exhausted but I don't exhibit the signs. The symptoms are there, but not the signs. Well anyway. I wish I can just have an easier life, without a heavy calling as the ward Mission leader, without the worries that a medic instructor would have, without the worries of what home would be like when I open the door. 

But I guess that's what everybody wants right? A worry-free life, full of joy and laughter. No need to think about work or how you're gonna provide for your family. Without the need to worry about anger or frustration, nor the work load or deadlines to meet, grades to achieve, nor people to impress. A life where love comes freely, where people openly express themselves without needing to worry about image or opinions. 

I still need to work on my communication. We communicate emotions through words and actions. The hard part for me sometimes is firstly deciphering what emotions are being communicated, and what can I do to communicate positive emotions back. 

But I'm a perfectionist. I'll let you find out what kind of perfectionist I am!! 

Reversal.

[21 Feb]

Today I woke up at 0615, and headed out to church at around 0645. Grace and I were going to play a musical piece at church today. She would be on the piano and I would be on my flute. We reached at around 0745, and kicked off our practice at 0800. We managed to polish up on the parts that we weren't so familiar with, and we were doing great. Her enthusiasm really was a boost to mine!! 

0900 came about and the sacrament began. Soon, time flowed and it was our turn. We prepared everything and I took a deep breath in. I gave her a nod, saying that I was ready, and she began. This time I was really nervous, but I knew I had gone through similar performances like this and knew I could do it. I played my parts well!! I had a small break, and when I was going to come in, I miscounted the beats, and so I missed that part. I looked for the next part to come in but there wasn't a good place to do so. 

Beginning to be desperate, I began to show signs of a troubled person. I touched my music score, shifted around, sighed in an attempt to calm myself down. I began to be distraught. As grace played on, the score went by in a breeze. Soon, it was my turn again. I came in when I should and was glad I did. A short quaver rest, and I missed the beat to come in. Again. It got horrible. I only managed to play the last few notes. 

My heart sunk. It sunk so low. I packed up my stuff, not making eye contact with anyone, and headed back to my seat. 

I was horrible. 

I thought about why I couldn't play. 

I thought about how much of a failure I was. 

I thought about taking a break from music.

I thought about taking a break from performances at least. 

I thought about leaving my flute alone, even though I knew it wasn't her fault. 

My heart broke. I had never, never ever, played as horribly as I did today. I had effectively missed out 4/5 of the whole score. Just moments earlier, I had gone through the whole score with grace with minor mistakes. So why was it that I messed up so badly? 

I didn't want to stay in that moment, but neither could my mind release its clutch on the thought. I was horrible. I really was. People came up to me and said their thanks, and how they appreciated me playing. It made me feel even worse. I felt like I had cheated their feelings as a Musician. The music I play is to make people happy. Yes, they were happy, but it was not a good performance. I had failed terribly, and for some reason, they still thanked me. I told them that I had missed a lot of notes.

One of the moms who talked to me had a daughter who was my junior in the band who also played the flute. I told her how much I failed, and I could see the reaction on her face, just as she could see mine. Her facial expression became more solemn, more expressive. Her expression softened, and you could see the worry and concern reach out from her to me. She offered words of encouragement and empathy. I knew that she cared deeply, but I couldn't shake off the feelings of disappointment that had such a strong hold on me. I left for the next class, still feeling unqualified to be carrying a flute around. 

I pushed the thought aside, hoping that no one would talk to me about it ever again. But lo and behold, how foolish I was to even hope for something as that. People were asking me what happened, and all I could say was that I was nervous. I was prepared, yes, but I lost control of myself. And I hated myself for that. I also hated how people could be so brutally honest. 

My best friend joked with me about it, and smilingly asked me why I was so lousy. Yes, he asked me that. In the capacity as a "best friend", he had just made me feel even worse. 

I wanted to walk out of the room at that very moment. I did not deserve to be talked to like that. I had done my best, but it wasn't enough. And now here comes a guy who just comes marching by and drops a grenade into my unsuspecting hands. 

And I took it as bravely as I could. I smiled, and insisted that I was nervous. I kept saying that I don't know what had happened, but I was nervous. The rest of the day was better. I still got chided here and there, but I took it all in. 

I later convinced myself to let the thought go. I will still carry on with my flute, with my music, and I will do it bravely. I had messed up, but I cannot let a small blunder alter my future. I will fight on. 

"I will overcome adversity with my fighting spirit". 

You say I'm crazy

[18 Feb]

Today was such a loooooooong day. Woke up at 0720 for first parade which was supposed to be at 0745. Turned on my 3G first before brushing teeth, as usual, and to my wonderful surprise, Ridhwan messaged me saying that first parad was pushed forward to 0730. That left me 10minutes to brush teeth and change up and get all ready for the day. I rushed and manager to be down and ready for first parade at 0729. Awesome timing. 

Since it was their first time having first parade (it was their second day here), I was tasked to teach them how first parade would be carried out. We were able to get it all done by 0750. We headed over to the medical centre for their hepB screening, meaning that all of that were required to have their blood drawn. It was kinda crazy because nobody knew what to do. And with it being their second day here only, it was difficult to control 71 people. Our platoon usually was only 50-odd people, but now it's about 1.5 times larger. It was definitely a challenge but it all turned out alright. 

We headed over to the medical centre and I told them that we were here for the screening. I got directed to the right people and so everything began. The medical centre was now using a new documentation platform and so there were a lot of things that couldn't be done as they usually were, which caused us to wait for 1hr 20mins in an adjacent training shed. I took the opportunity to talk to the course during that period to get to know them and to answer their many questions. It took them a while to get warm and comfortable with me, but soon they began to open up. Questions came free and easy soon after. 

We only started the drawing of blood for the course at 0920. However, we had a lecture that was due to begin at 1000. I had to message different people to see if the lecture could be pushed further back, and eventually succeeded (I mean, they couldn't say no anyway). After a few more hiccups, we were finally able to get the course to be at the lecture room at 1050. The lecturer wasn't that quite pleased (even though he was informed) but I couldn't blame him. Nobody likes a imperfect plan. 

He started the lesson with a broad overview. Like, REALLY REALLY broad. So broad that it wasn't even part of the lecture AT ALL. Okay can. He spent a good 10minutes on that. He did say that we were an hour behind time (yes we were) and so he would need to squeeze his lesson a bit. With that in mind, I kept a watchful eye on the time. He stopped his lesson a little after the time that he was supposed to stop, aka 1530.

Once he was done, we headed straight for the guard house. We were going to attend the guard brief first to orientate the course about the vicinity and what to look out for when doing guard duty. We had a briefing in the hot sun (but didn't bother because we're all soldiers) (cheyyyyyyy) and then were handed over to the troopers for their orientation route. 

Once that was done, they went back ip to their bunk for their orientation run of the whole camp. They visited places and ran together. I was the safety officer, so even though I was prepared to run, I couldn't. Oh well. Sit and chill. 

Dinner, then close the day. 

BUT. 

We spent the whole night (yeap, I only stepped back into bunk at 9pm) giving out their medic bags and doing some documentation. 

It was a long night. 

I didn't have difficulty waking up the next day but I was tired through and through. 

Shag life. 

What's worse, there's so much on my mind. 

When Wednesday comes...

Chances.

[17 Feb]

How do I tell you that I miss that smile, that laughter, the opportunity to be beside you. 

How do I tell you that when I am who I am now?

My heart will go on

[16 feb]

Well. What do I say. Boring day at work. Now, with the new batch coming, we've got more things to handle. Thankfully, this is the last batch that will overlap. That you BMT for sorting things out. 

The past few days have been a drain for me. I find it more difficult to be who I am. I get irritated at small things, and all the things would usually wouldnt be spared a second thought in my mind suddenly spring out of nowhere, calling out for my attention. It's so annoying. 

I'm getting tired. I doubt it's because I'm getting older (heck I'm not even 22) but I'm feeling the drain. I believe it's more of an emotional drain than a physical one. 

And that is a problem. Because everybody's emotional needs require more effort to rectify, compared to a physical need. It's a simple truth. And right now, the one that gets me through the day seems to be taking a step back. 

And I don't want that to happen. Even if it already has. 

Sometimes, you've gotta knock yourself up every once in a while

[13 feb]

I wish that you'd ask me "what took you so long"

At other times I wish you'd say nothing at all 

At some times I wish you'd just accept it and go

So much to gain, but so much more to give up. I have to have trust. I guess this is where faith comes in. This is where my childhood decision comes into play. To decide for me when I cannot decide for myself. 

I'm going to miss it all.

The people

The food

The sights 

The sounds 

The bustling 

The noise 

The malls

The traffic 

The sky

The smell

The weather

The mrt 

The buses

The friends

The family

The besties

And you. 

I don't know how I'm going to part ways with all these for 2 full years. 

I'm not ready. 

I don't think I'll ever be. 

And I don't think anyone ever has.

Silhouette

[13 Feb]

It's your birthday today!! Happy birthday hehehe 😁😁 Thursday night was fun hahaha picked Rachel up at Vivo and apparently the bus drops her off at Harbour front centre and she had to walk all the way Vivo. BUUUUUT she came out from the mrt escalator 🤔🤔 anyway. She probably went down the NEL line then walked over to Vivo from there. Went over to eat at pastamania and I had a carbonara. I never really favoured carbonara but this one was nice and simple!! A bit small for my stomach but it's the company that I really enjoyed :) listening to her complains about work and how she's doing there made me wanna go work with her again :/ then talked about the people working there and POOF halfway through out meal, speak of the devil HAHAHAHA. There was my ex (and her current) colleagues hehehe. Oh well it was nice seeing them again. I'm surprised they all still remember me!! Awkward though given the circumstance...but oh well. It was nice to see them all nonetheless!! 

It was awkward for Rachel but hahaha don't worry Rachel!! I think she was fretting over how the morrow would be at work since they all saw me eating with her but I should be more reassuring. But that's the hard part HAHAHAA how the heck do you be reassuring?! I feel super sad when people say "you don't understand" when I really try to understand or even when I've been in that position before. Oooooohhh well. One of the many other things that I need to learn. 

We went to the sports shop after that and checked out what they had. Same old stuff uh. 

We want over to the SkyPark after that and talked. It was kinda haaaaard finding a place to sit down at but we settled for steps overlooking the river with a nice view :) hahaha wah siao I was Super nervous when I gave her her birthday present hahaha I never was good at giving gifts (let alone choosing them) so it took a bit of effort to even bring it up hahaha basket why I so shy one. AND YEAHHHHH I saw Fa'iz there too. Talking with an angmoh guy. Awkward. He was sitting 1.5m away from me. I recognised that laughter and those black shoes. HMMMMM. He went to sit at another place with his friend though. Saved me. I don't think he recognised me. But maybe he did. Hehehe why do we keep bumping into people we know!! 

The ride back home was cool. And fun. And educational. And embarrassing omg hahaha BUUUUTTTT I WILL COMMIT TO MEMORY!!! Gonna take some time though. I was never good at remembering stuff hehehe. But I'll put in the effort!! Talked on the phone all the way back till she reached home and a bit after that. 

HOPE YOU STILL LIKE THE PREPORATORY PRESENT. I'm working to get another one on the way. 

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your silhouette against the light

i imagine the perfect picture

it's etched with great might 

and fill of feelings. 

It's time. 

I believe it's time. 

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