Say something

[18 November]

How do I even tell you that I still think of you, that I wish you had never gone, that I should have done things differently, perhaps say some words I don't say often? It honestly feels like years since that time. I guess I still do really miss you. 

Anyway. Spent last Saturday with Jace and her family and other friends for her birthday. Reached at 1800 when I should have been there at 1700 for preparation. Her place so ulu. But so atas. Condo sia. The cars in that estate like for those people who use $100 bills as tissue. Then the name on the map and the name of the place she tell me are different. Circled around the area twice before calling her to check lol. 

It was fun. Being with my friends from secondary school. Qing Yi and Yu ting were there. Krylicia had to leave early. So I went back home with the two girls, had quite a good conversation all the way back. Probably the most proper conversation I've ever had with them even during secondary school. Well, what to do, we were talking about love and crushes and eye candies hahaha. And something that Qing Yi said made me think a lot. She said something like "sometimes you don't have to feel like you'd die without this person before you get attached. Sometimes you enter a relationship, and the feelings/love grows from here". 

General conference quote, "you don't marry perfection. You marry potential". 

Wow. 

To infinity and beyond.

[15 Nov]

2330hrs

It's been a while since I last made a post, and things are quite crazy now. So many disasters going on in the world. So much hate and anger. So much sadness and sorrow. 

Today after church we had stake YSA FHE, watching the movie called "17 Miracles", showing the hardships and blessings experienced by the pioneers f the LDS church. After that, I reached home and felt so tired after such a long day. I felt unhappy as well, partly because of what other people did in other countries, but also at myself. Watching how much the pioneers suffered, I look back at mine as see how stupid I've been. I also felt even more lonely than I already was. How to explain that? I don't know. But that's what I felt. I reached home, changed out of my church clothes, and just lay on the couch hugging my flute case, ignoring the wires and cables and bags and keys on the couch as well. I slept like a baby, but only for a short duration. It was late, and already time to leave home to book on. 

3 days of constant shouting. I hope everything will turn out alright after this. I just want to be happy. 

Book out on Wednesday. 

Lunch and chill with the Chank on Thursday (can't freaking wait). Possibly go CPF in the morning. 

Friday sundown fest pcon. 

Saturday sundown fest. 

I tell myself that I don't miss you. 

But I think my heart's telling me otherwise.

What do I do?

Into the past

How is it that even after so long, I'm still dreaming of you at night?

We were in an office that I work in, just doing stuff, then it was time to go home. Long story short, I enjoyed time spent together. I enjoyed it really well. It was like as if we were together. And it sucked. 

Maybe that's what my heart is wishing. But still. 

Sometimes.

[5 Nov]

I hate it. 

I hate how it always turns out. 

I'm tired of asking you out, but I still do, because you're an important person to me. 

School is always stealing your time. 

Or perhaps it's your way of saying a gentle rejection. 

But it doesn't matter. 

It's still a no. 

What I say won't change anything. 

As usual, I'll have to suck it up. 

What can I do?

It's not the first time this is happening, and I doubt it'll be the last. 

But it's alright, I'll just be waiting for time to pass in the meanwhile. 

Days, months, years. 

How will experiences such as these shape me?

Will it change anything between us?

I'll just go on my own. 

Do my own stuff. 

Be myself. 

I won't bother you so much. 

You're probably busy with school. 

And stuff. 

I'll just wait for you to text. 

Since that's how it most likely would be if I don't start. 

See how lah.