To freedom.

Last day of exams was yesterday. Ended at 1410ish-hrs. Actually finished the paper half an hour in. I studied 3 of the 7 chapters that would be tested. But it should be enough to get me out of poly, considering that they'll have moderation and bell curve to move mountains. With that, I should be able to graduate from poly with a decent gpa. Cgmp was the last paper. Glad it was. Heavy burden off my chest.

Spent the rest of the day at NBSS band. Went into the band room, greeted mr goh, out my bag down, and then he told me to helo them teach the new juniors their theory. So i met the new juniors, walked in on their seniors teaching theory (it was actually just amirah actually, the others were "practicing"), sat at the back of the classroom observing. Amirah's voice is low so I kept an eye on the new juniors, the freshies. I could tell that they were getting bored. I suggested that amirah swap places with someone else to teach. Roi came on in at that time. And since he wanted to be the CM, I thought that now would be a good opportunity to practice some of the stuff he'll be doing later on if he gets the position.

But roi being roi, he declined saying that he "doesnt know how to teach". So Amirah carried on teaching. Poor girl. Poor freshies. They must have been tired. After all, its just day 2 of band for them. So I went up to the front of the class and picked off from where amirah left them hanging hahahha, which was reading notes. Quraishah, thaqifah, lien. All girls. Again. Anyway, I asked and they said that they never went through any music classes in their primay school. Poor things. I shared with them how my primary school taught me how to read the treble clef. They caught on pretty well. I even went above and below the ledger lines and they could manage really well. Of course not at the same speed as the seniors, but considering their background, I consider them the aces of the freshies.

I tested them, and a small tiny competition among each other. First one to tell me the correct note gets the point. I asked a total if 15 questions, with enough chances for lien to catch up with the other two. Didnt make it though. And just for positive reinforcement, I told them that ill get the winner a prize, but ill be nice and get everybody something, though the winner gets the best one. Thaqifah won with a 1point lead over Quraishah. I think the flute section produces good juniors, comparing with the other sections. They learn fast and are bonded. Must be because they have good seniors who set the standard well and dont compromise.

Sectionals stopped at 4.30pm. We reported back to the band room. The band formed up and sat on the floor. I didnt feel right standing in front nor at the back, so I just sat at the teacher's table up front. Yuzaimi and adrianna were there too so we had a quick chat. We were dismissed for drilling downstairs. Drum major said 5minutes with their bags down. Lol. From 3rd floor down to court and set down bags, all in 5mins. Fierce DM. But she also never enforce lol. No use. Lol.

Before leaving, mr goh asked me for a favour.

"Samuel, I have a job for you."
"Yeah whats up?"
"I need you to help me check on their drilling. Go around and pick out the weaker ones. I want to check their sediah, senang diri, ke kanan pusing and ke kiri pusing, and ke kanan lurus. Just these few. Dont need ke belakan pusing. Pass the list to me after band."
"Sure no problem."
"Thanks samuel, I knew I can always count on you as my drum major." (Or something to this effect, I didnt hear him clearly on this one.)

So that being that, I got to work. Got my red pen and started down to where they're drilling. I think I could have been more organised in my efforts now that I think about it. But oh well. Not much time to get things done either.

I made my rounds, got my names on the list, but it wasnt complete. All I can say, things are kinda bleak right there. I wont say "rotten" because that would be exaggerating the actual condition of the situation. But they do need help. In almost everything...

Ill be back on tuesday to take down notes. Then Jace and I will go down on thursday to work the band the whole day. We got permission from the conductors. I dont know how much we can do while we're at it, but ill be talking to the conductors on tuesday. See what I can and cannot do. I may be an alumni but I cant afford to go overboard with those privileges.

Coordinated with jace on what we'd wear on thursday. And guess what, we even discussed how thursday is gonna be run, all over whatsapp. Can you imagine hahahhaa we were both going crazy about it lol.

I cant wait for thursday. But I also can wait for Thursday.

------------------------------

Today, mish appt with the sisters. We got sister noh now. Meeting them later and then gonna brief her about the ward mission plan. The elders are still here. We lost sister W to amk ward, and sister alfrey went back to 4th ward.

Can you tell how sad I am :'(

This friday, bbq with ward ysa. We're so steady ahhahha.

.dwindling circles.

the exams are getting on my nerves.
its making me feel stupid and horrible.
it makes me look back.
back when i was in secondary school.
how i used to be so different.
and look at me now.

lazy.
procrastinator.
unsociable.
losing sight of things.
unfocused.
lost the fighting spirit (for studying).

and now, losing sight of everything.











talking to ali now, and she makes me feel better.
the things she says.
the things she does for me.
i dont know if its what best friends do for each other.
but im sure its something that couples do.
yet we're not a couple.
how does that even work?

and here i am, thinking.
thinking really hard.
do i deserve such a person?
i probably would if i was in secondary school.
and have i done enough for her?
so do i deserve to have her with me in my life, with things as they are right now?
but now, im not so sure.
poly has definitely changed me.
it has made me worse than before.
but with knowledge that i could not have gained had it been any other way.

so now i think about whether i make the right choice going to poly.
or would i have been better off in jc.
heck, i couldnt get into a jc even if i wanted to.
with L1R5>20,  they wont pick me.
but if they had, i wonder what i would be like right now.

would i be more hardworking
would i be more sociable
how would my peers affect who i am
what cca would i have joined
and how would it mould me
who my role models would be in school
how i would have responded to the stress
the madness
the long nights
the ones where you just wanna throw in the rag
and call it a journey to be ended

i dont know
i dont know how i would be in the end
i dont know if things would be better or worse
i dont know how to make things better even
i dont know if going to poly was the right decision
i dont know if i should have gone to jc instead
i dont know so many things



so what am i sure of?

要死。

Okays so it's actually wednesday that I wanna rant. It was dear zi cong's birthday so we as a class, as usual, sang a birthday song for him during the lunch hour, as we do with anybody's birthday. Then we also sang him the birthday songsssssss in class.

We finished our class at 3pm. After that, asfa told me that I needed to get the report handed in ON THAT DAY to our co-examiner in preparation for the interview on friday. So okay lorh. I asked him where is the report, and he said that we needed to print it out, and that he had already sent it to zicong. Okay so no problem right? We left the class, and then I went up to zicong and told him that whatever asfa told me. Then he said "eh cannot leh". I asked what was stopping him, to which he replied "I going to do atre with zul".

Okay fair enough. But doesnt this seem a little weird? Viva on friday and we dont have a report printed. Atre assignment due AFTER the exams, and youre rushing for it? Arranged a little poorly hor? So I told him my reasoning. Guess what?

It got rejected. And thats where he got angry. Not just any "angry", but rather, /ANGRY/ that kind. The kind where people get mad and cant control themselves.

So he startes shouting expletives, talking about how me messed up his plans, how we "expect [him] to follow at our whimp and fancy", blablabla. Okay bro I get your point, I know what youre trying to say. But arguing and makig a fuss about it AT THE MESSENGER isnt something I take to very well. Jess asked him whats going on, why was he so angry, and of which, he never answered her questions. Hmmm. Then he started blaming me, saying its all my fault and shit.

So he ended up stomping off to the bioengie lab, with me following behind. Why? Because I dont want him to make a mistake while dwelling in his anger/frustration. And since it was I who brought the news to him, I guess he decided that I was the culprit, the one who forced him to change his plans. And so, I was the one who received the brunt of his frustration. Not fun.

He started talking like a kid who throws tantrums. And there I was, wondering if this was really happening. Im like, dude, your in poly. Not jc. Not sec school, not even primary school. Youre here to learn about the world. Youre expected to behave and conduct yourself like an adult if youre not one. Which you should be. You dont just throw a tantrum around. Tantrums are big things, but for small kids. And I dont think youre a kid. So act like one.

Anyway. Reached the bioengie lab. Opened the door for him. Jaina and the class was there. Zicong walked in first, and I followed behind. She looked my way, and I just sighed. Walking behind zicong, we reached the computer stations, and he downloaded the report and drawings from his email. We tried to print from the printer but there wasnt enough paper in the tray (we're supposed to supply our own anyway since the asfa case). I told him that we dont have enough paper, and he got even more angry. And I was thinking how much angrier could he ever get. He asked for my thumbdrive to copy the files into but I didnt hand it to him because the computer at T16 has a virus. Then I said "just download from the computer at the print shop lah" then after a few exchanges he replied "fine, if you insist" with that scornful tone of his.

Wowwwwwwwwww.
What attitude.
All I could do was sigh.

So I walked with him to the print shop at T16. We stood in queue, I was infront. There were like 4 people in front, and somehow the queue wasnt moving -.- so I looked around, and then I saw this note on the door "printer spoiled, cannot print colour". Great. Our report needs to be in colour and this printer doesnt print colour. Greaaaaaat. I didnt bother telling zicong this because he'd just get even more angry. And I dont want that. So I called asfa, told him the problem, and asked him to send me the files and I will do the printing on my own. He said okay. With the problem being close to being resolved, I wanted to get through with this. I slid the phone into my pocket, tapped zi cong's left shoulder, and told him "lets go. Im doing you a favour. Im gonna do the printing."

I personally dont think my choice of words was insensitive nor harmful nor unkind in any way. But whatever the case, this is zi cong that we're talking about. Reason doesnt go well with him when he's mad. So here goes. Walking back, I told him that he can go do his atre project thingy now. He got mad. He splayed out his arms in disbelief (?), raised his voice and started retorting at me.

"Huh so what, you expect me to always listen to you? Huh lord samuel? You expect everybody to bow down on their knees and worship you is it?"

That was just he only sentence I remembered. Because of the "lord" title that he bestowed on me. Wow.

He ranted on. I did my best to conceal my disbelief that this was actually happening. Inevitably, a smile escaped. He ranted on about how we made fun of him during lunchtime and in class. And I was like "dude we do that to everybody every year -.-" and of course,  reason escaped him again, still being so headstrong about how we "humiliated" him on his birthday. He proceeded to point his index finger at me, saying "this is the last time you guys will f*** with my plans. I already tols you yesterday that ill be doing the atre project today after school and asked if you guys wanna do or not (frankly I dont remember him asking this) and you all said no so I go and do. I tell you this is the last time you f*** with my plans and expect me to listen to you, you hear me?" (I can remember this part clearly because what hapoened next is epic). He said all this while walking with me on my left, pointing that accusing finger at me. The laughter from within me escaped too.

Then guess what? He pushed me.

Lets look at the review if what happened so far: we need to print the report snd hand it to the co-examiner and zicong was tasked to do it. He reluctantly obliged and went to the bioengie lab wih him to print. Not enough paper. Went to print shop with him. Colour printing not available, solved the problem for him. And now, while going to the bioengie lab, he pushes me. I'd say around half of his max strength.

I flowed with the push and somehoe for some weird reason, his right hand was still on my left arm. Instinctively, my left arm raised up inwards, hand sweeping his grip away from me, turned, pushed downwards so his elbow bends, slide down to the middle of his forearm,  and then I gripped. His finger now pointing upwards, my hand gripped around his middle forearm, thumb pressing in down to the soft part of his flesh. The part where it hurts.

And he still carried on retorting at me. Brave guy.

Either way, idk why but I just felt that that moment was plain ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. I dont understand his logic. If someone sis to me what I did to him, id get mad, scared. Anything, except continuing to be dumb and continue retorting at that guy.

Whatever lah huh. I had a slight smile on my face because I couldnt believe that a situation like this was unfurling right in front of my very eyes. He repeated "smile some more" a few times and after each I tried to kill my smile. Hardest thing ever. Took me three tries. Anyway, I kept trying to tel him that we werent making fun of him and that we arent out to purposely "pull a prank by changing [his] plans". We can be trolls as a class but we dont go that far.

He told me to let him go, and so I did. Sorry ah dude, but dont blame my reflexes. The blame be on you for being so short-tempered. Help you also kenna confronted. Wtf. I could have just told you that I was a "victim" too of this last minute notice and hat I didnt make a fuss about it.

Hmmm. Maybe I should have.

But either way. We went back to the lab, and while walking behind him (just to be sage in case he wants to attack me: just being safe, im not taking chances), he turned his head to look at me, shouted "walk faster lah". Then i thought, "what am  I rushing for? He opened the door, I followed him in, saw jaina again at the same spot on the same chair with the same people, and I sighed again. We entered the other room where his friend was there waiting for him (oh yeah I had called him to wait for zi cong in the biolab). So zi cong reunited with him, and I lepak-ed a bit before proceeding to go to the T14 print shop to do what needed to be done.

Soon enough, I was at the computer sending the files for printinf, and then I whatsapped asfa "is zicong still there" and he said "yeah".

Lol.
So.
Rush also still in biolab.
If youre such in a rush to go somewhere, why arent you out of campus yet? Stay here 吹冷气 is it? Enjoy air con only ah?

But anyway lah huh. Not important also. When I went back to the lab to collect other people ezlink card (mine not enough money to print hahahhaa) to use their cards to print, dear zi cong had left already. Good also. No more tension in the air. If there was any.

But SIGHHHHHHHHHHH. I was quite surprised as to why I didnt get angry. I honestly thought I would have, considering that it is me. And when he pushed me, I thought that we would get into a fight. I could feel my legs tingling with adrenaline. First time feeling it even though ive been to so many sparring competitions. Maybe because this is for real.

Hmmm.
But it is over already.
Glad that it is.
I dont wanna go through another "episode", even though it didnt cause me any pain or any sort.

Did I handle the situation well? I think I did pretty well. Considering that it is zi cong after all.

boiling point. shits.

blogger seems to be the only safe place for me to rant about stupid pieces of shits.

stay tuned. blood incoming.

Post title

The month of February is a horrendous one. Who knew the last exams of my poly life would arrive so fast? It feels like as if it was just 3 weeks ago that the new year had started. And look where we are now.

Three years gone by in a flash, just like that. Crazy eh?

So much to do, so little time. This semester is mad. How is it that there can be so much to do in your last few weeks in poly, and all at one go? It's madness as it is stupidity, whoever came up with the timetable. and my fyp viva is on either this thursday or friday. With the two maddest lecturers I have met. Sigh, totally not looking forward to it. But oh well, just as I've learned already; one day at a time. And it would all be over.

Over.
I dont wanna repeat any modules. Especially ongfr's dry modules. I dont mind audrey's bio class, though she doesn't teach me anymore. She taught me last sem. And the two semesters before that too. I like her classes. Fun. And lots of interesting things to learn about.

I guess im not much of a engineering person. Nor a EEE person. More of a CASS student maybe. I score better for their classes than in my engineering classes lol. Perhaps I should have enrolles in CASS instead.

But nah. I kinda like my class. Though I dont belong to any clique. I just linger around. The people in poly are so different from those in secondary school.

I miss my secondary school.
My class.
My gang.
Though the class size was 42, its much better than the current class I have. Sorry guys but it's the truth.

4E1'10 is the best.
I miss you all.
I miss the mad times we had.
English class.
PE.
Pure bio.
Pure physics.
Design and tech.
Math...
And then Chinese class.
Always sitting beside jace cuz she asked me to. Because she didn't want fason to sit besise her.
And then laughing with her.

I miss the student council.
I miss the meetings.
I miss the events.
I miss

I miss band.
I miss being in charge.
I miss the times when I actually mattered.
I miss playing the flute regularly with my section, with my band.
I miss the laughter, the sadness, the concerts and performances, the unity.
I miss standing in front and debriefing the band with jace.
I miss be shouting.
I miss the faked anger.
I miss all those ridiculous things.

Not that it's non-existent in sp karate club. It's all there but just different. And besides, I've been ostracised there. I'm lingering around again. It was all good until I decided to take a break from karate. Then, and even when I went back, things seemed to have changed. Everybody was so much closer to each other. It was as if I was a hindrance to their "social circle" progression. But anywah. I should be happy for them. Besides, I never really was a person to have belonged anywhere.

Nor to anyone.

Jiakat

30mins before cgkp retest and im feeling horrible.

The medically 'sick' kind of horrible.

Wth.

Seriously.

WTH.

Jmph :(

I'm afraid.
I'm feeling all jittery.
I can't sit still.

Stupid retest.
Stupid module.
Why did I fail that paper -.-

38/100.

Not my first failure in poly though.
I've failed 3 papers already including this one.
But always managed to pass the module.

I hope it happens again.
But as always.
I worry too much.

Sflr

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!

ITS BEEN A FUN PAST 3 DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

went to dad's side on CNY eve, then again on CNY itself, then today went to mom's side.
WOOHOOO!!! so happy to meet my cousins again :) aiyah but only so few of them.
kazuki, ayaka, zhi ling, jie jie lin lian, brian, sean, janice..then aunts/uncles, THEN MY CUTIE NIECE AND NEPHEW!!!! hahahhaa i wont post a picture of them. if you have my instag then you know how to see their cute faces!! it was SOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRING PLAYING WITH THEM but oh well i love playing with kids.

mad.
tiring.
crazy.
tiring.
tiring.
tiring.
BUT FUN.

olivia was playing with nat and janice then they were calling for me. Especially nat lol that boy. "Uncle sam finish your dinner already must come play with us okay?" We were watching a movie then "curse of the golden flower" and it started a bit already so I was like aiyah sua lah go play with them. Then soon after we started they were calling for my cousin kazuki. Lol wtf nat say he dont want to play with me already HAHAHAHHA. Anyway we were playing on the bed and then I pretemded to sleep. With olivia near my head. Ooooohmygosh I tell you its so relaxing to hear kids playing around you and then there's olivia. Just playing with the others from her own spot. And not disturbing me in my pretended sleep.

Soooo relaxing.
It was on a totally dofferent level of experience. It felt kinda tranquil actually...

Just like that time.