Lately I've been thinking a lot, and I've been keeping my eyes open a lot as well. As a result, I have come to a conclusion.
I find that I tend to notice certain girls as of late. It is no surprise that these special people all have a quality or trait that I am in the pursuit of. Not that I am jealous. It is an attraction, rather than a feeling of jealousy. Infatuation? I guess so. But these are /righteous/ infatuations, if I might add, and if such a term even exists.
The traits and qualities that I am in pursuit for are wonderful. They make me person that I can love, appreciate, and respect. It also allows me to be able to be of more help whenever help is required. Ultimately, it really is obtaining as much knowledge as I can, for such is the commandment given to us by God.
But of course, in my thoughts, I also have come to another conclusion: that Sam, that young skinny boy born and raised in a church, will forever be just another guy that people know of. And I will be seen as such by those ladies. /just another guy/. Interesting eh? Not to worry. I will explain.
In my life, there have been three occasions when a girl confessed to me. Obviously, I never noticed any of them up until the time they took the initiative. The first two was when I was in sec 3 (grade 9?, for those in the States). I turned down the first one because I knew nothing about her. I turned down the second one as well because she pestered me. Only later did I realize that it was probably something that I would want to experience again, but with a person that I actually /liked/. I thought about the third one. After much deliberation, I invited the third one for a relationship. After some time, we were together, but the happiness we shared was limited.
And so here I am today, thinking back and reflecting on each of those experiences. Why were they successful, and what made it end? What makes me different from the others, who am I in their eyes? What kind of potential do I hold that I can share with them, and what should I do or do not do?
Unfortunately, my thoughts resulted in some negative thoughts. Perhaps it might be the truth. But also perhaps, it could be a thing of the mind. I put myself in their shoes, and looked at myself through what I hoped would be an accurate impression of me that they see.
The first two were interesting. Girls being girls, and with both of them being younger than I, said that they liked me because I was "cute" and (im not sure about this) "handsome" as well, though I doubted that one quite a fair bit. Nothing happened between me and them. I received a lot of their attention, and at times, gifts as well. Being an uneducated dumbo kid at that time (and I probably still am), I was not able to make better wiser choices.
The third one was different because I was in a relationship with her. I put in effort, but things didn't work out well.
So now I begin to wonder about what really makes me different, or am I the same as all the others out there? Growing up in church isn't easy. Everybody else around you more or less has the same standards, hang out together, do same things together, and all that shazam. And so look at me. How different and I from the others? Am I not inferior to the others? Maybe better than some, but definitely not as good as others. Living in someone's shadow my whole life hasn't done me any good. I am just someone's son, someone's brother, someone's cousin, that guy's friend. I own no recognition of my own.
Recognition, that one crucial intangible thing that /every/ human being needs to survive. But I wonder, how many others are there who are like me, guy or girl? And whose fault is it for not knowing someone else? Would it be fault on my part if I didn't know a girl because I don't socialize enough? Or would it be hers for not standing out from the others?
Being someone that not everybody knows, not being the popular one, how does /anyone/ get out of it? The chances of a potential one knowing me: slim. All because I own no recognition.
My best bet right now would be marrying someone outside the church and converting her. But that is the hardest part. And the most challenging part. The most risky part. It's a make or break moment.
Aiyah but even then, who would wanna be with a guy like me? Skinny, weird, too retarded, never seems to be serious? Yeah who cares if I can fight. There a are a million other guys out there who are more buff than me, and can fight /as well/. Probably better, too.
So what if I can cook? Other guys can do it too. Who cares if I can do house chores? Any wife could just get the husband to do it too. Who cares if I play computer games? Almost every other guy does too.
So, prepare for the worst, right? Sam, be ready for a life of solitude. It could be heading your way right now, and you don't even know it.
I find that I tend to notice certain girls as of late. It is no surprise that these special people all have a quality or trait that I am in the pursuit of. Not that I am jealous. It is an attraction, rather than a feeling of jealousy. Infatuation? I guess so. But these are /righteous/ infatuations, if I might add, and if such a term even exists.
The traits and qualities that I am in pursuit for are wonderful. They make me person that I can love, appreciate, and respect. It also allows me to be able to be of more help whenever help is required. Ultimately, it really is obtaining as much knowledge as I can, for such is the commandment given to us by God.
But of course, in my thoughts, I also have come to another conclusion: that Sam, that young skinny boy born and raised in a church, will forever be just another guy that people know of. And I will be seen as such by those ladies. /just another guy/. Interesting eh? Not to worry. I will explain.
In my life, there have been three occasions when a girl confessed to me. Obviously, I never noticed any of them up until the time they took the initiative. The first two was when I was in sec 3 (grade 9?, for those in the States). I turned down the first one because I knew nothing about her. I turned down the second one as well because she pestered me. Only later did I realize that it was probably something that I would want to experience again, but with a person that I actually /liked/. I thought about the third one. After much deliberation, I invited the third one for a relationship. After some time, we were together, but the happiness we shared was limited.
And so here I am today, thinking back and reflecting on each of those experiences. Why were they successful, and what made it end? What makes me different from the others, who am I in their eyes? What kind of potential do I hold that I can share with them, and what should I do or do not do?
Unfortunately, my thoughts resulted in some negative thoughts. Perhaps it might be the truth. But also perhaps, it could be a thing of the mind. I put myself in their shoes, and looked at myself through what I hoped would be an accurate impression of me that they see.
The first two were interesting. Girls being girls, and with both of them being younger than I, said that they liked me because I was "cute" and (im not sure about this) "handsome" as well, though I doubted that one quite a fair bit. Nothing happened between me and them. I received a lot of their attention, and at times, gifts as well. Being an uneducated dumbo kid at that time (and I probably still am), I was not able to make better wiser choices.
The third one was different because I was in a relationship with her. I put in effort, but things didn't work out well.
So now I begin to wonder about what really makes me different, or am I the same as all the others out there? Growing up in church isn't easy. Everybody else around you more or less has the same standards, hang out together, do same things together, and all that shazam. And so look at me. How different and I from the others? Am I not inferior to the others? Maybe better than some, but definitely not as good as others. Living in someone's shadow my whole life hasn't done me any good. I am just someone's son, someone's brother, someone's cousin, that guy's friend. I own no recognition of my own.
Recognition, that one crucial intangible thing that /every/ human being needs to survive. But I wonder, how many others are there who are like me, guy or girl? And whose fault is it for not knowing someone else? Would it be fault on my part if I didn't know a girl because I don't socialize enough? Or would it be hers for not standing out from the others?
Being someone that not everybody knows, not being the popular one, how does /anyone/ get out of it? The chances of a potential one knowing me: slim. All because I own no recognition.
My best bet right now would be marrying someone outside the church and converting her. But that is the hardest part. And the most challenging part. The most risky part. It's a make or break moment.
Aiyah but even then, who would wanna be with a guy like me? Skinny, weird, too retarded, never seems to be serious? Yeah who cares if I can fight. There a are a million other guys out there who are more buff than me, and can fight /as well/. Probably better, too.
So what if I can cook? Other guys can do it too. Who cares if I can do house chores? Any wife could just get the husband to do it too. Who cares if I play computer games? Almost every other guy does too.
So, prepare for the worst, right? Sam, be ready for a life of solitude. It could be heading your way right now, and you don't even know it.
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