Hallucinating with this thing in my eye.

And so.
Dad said that it was a stye and nit a blackened eye. Went to church with it and got some fellas joking around with me. Hehe love em so much XD
AND WHAT COCKROACH BITE SIA WALAO EH.

Came back home after corelation meeting. Brought the itouch to church today but didnt really use it. It feels weird holding one lol. Anyway. Wong ming set up some stuff for me. Jeff was on duty..

And now im asking esther for app suggestions. I cant seem to work around the app store well. Google play store might be better actually. I dunno how to display more apps on the app store. The google one, just keep scrolling and scrolling until your finger tired.

Anyway. Downloaded a good number of apps already on my own. Wonder how long the battery will last...but i'll bring the charger just in case.

___________

And no, nobody knows yet. I'll tell alison soon. And maybe jaina. Yeah i thik i'll tell her. And ming and jeff too. But i better tell them to keep it hush hush.

Lets go.

A new birth.

29 March 2013.
Here we go, rock and roll.

When does it end?

Last night ended horribly. Forced to sleep at 2330hrs at 2320hrs. Dad came in to tell me earlier but of course  i didnt off the com. I was mid-game. Then some time later mom stands at the doorway and says "If i hear that sound one more time ima plug out the cable".

Whoa.

Sick and tired of her threatening, i turned the com off grudgingly. Headed to bed, lied down, playing some Baechigi from my phone. Bam. Mom comes in and says to turn off the music. Why? Because "its noisy after 11pm". Ohmy. All she had to say was that she didny like the music. It would be more reasonable that way.

She then continued to go on about this and that. I knew what she could say and so i thought better and just kept quiet throughout. Tough? Yeah. Annoying? Oh yeah. But what could i do, seriously? Nothing, except to agree and nod my head.

-----------------------

I've thought too many times of living somewhere else, quit school and start working.
I've wondered and dreamed of what it would be like being famous. Probably wont feel as lonely as anybody could ever get.

Belittles

I forgot what i wanted to type here. Great.

Anyway. Training today was boring, as usual, other than meeting up with esther 'usami' hahaha. Talked a bit about some important stuff. Things that im afraid to mention out in public.

Managed to get some muacles  working agauin and sweated a bit.

He knows something. We needa be more careful. But still strikin.

Anyway. Watched Mongol forst then Fi jiachen reproof during ITP today. Both are siii Played a prank on too jajaha

Experience for growth and benefit.

Written on sunday midnight.

So i dont think anybody i know actually knows that i have a blog. Im so secretive about it lol. I scared my parents find out sia. Or the stake finds out. Then i DIE. So maybe thats why i didnt advertise it. But ali knows cuz i told her. I also dunno if she reads anot.

Yesterday was kinda cool. Kayaking with stake YSAs in the morning at kallang, then lunch with them afterwards, went home, play a few rounds of TF2, then went for my uncle's birthday pardeh at a buffet restaurant. I was the videographer for the night using a handheld video-dedicated camera. Not bad eh. Too bad the SD card so small, 2GB, fill up so fast. Heng heng Miss Irene lent me her phone for the night.

Didnt have much time to eat, had only one serving. Rest of the time was spent videoing. Didnt even have time to play with my nephew and niece...

Some upper body muscles were tired today. My mind was tired too. So...kinda fell asleep at some parts during sacrament...and i taught 3 lessons today lol. Gospel Principles, Priesthood and Hometeaching. Prepared the first two lessons while at work this week hahaha!! I did it openly so my classmates might ask if they saw, then got gospel conversation worh.. Too bad none of them saw :/

Taught the high priest class with Elder Wilkes. He spent more time talking than i did. A biiiit inbalanced but its not like as if we do companion study every morning right lol. It was pretty okay!! ^^ 

Taught the Hometeaching lesson in Chi-crazy-nese man!! Ahahhaa so proud of myself!! But of course got some english here and there lah. But still...GOOD JOB SAM. Hahhaha!!

This morning before church i was dreading the day cuz of the 3 lessons. But i treated it like an exam period: slowly take them on, one at a time. Soon, it would all be over. Thankful for those experiences, cuz now i know what to do.

Emailed jie, waiting for your reply, posting this, talking with esther about karate tomorrow, closed off whatsapp and twitter and fb, talking to jeff tmr about the sleepover. All seems done.

Goodnight.
Think happy thoughts.
Oyasumi.

(lee)ssang, (whee)sung, cry.

[The girl who cant breakup, the boy who cant leave]
Nowadays, kids like you dont know what youve got. Always lookng,can never stick with one thing. There aint no part-time love, its like an old kinda love, its old-school love. What more you need?

[River]
Even if you understand, even if you throw the world away, when the time passes, you will know. And you'll make other painful, but beautiful memories again. You don't have to understand things that aren't understandable. You just need to believe in it.

[Fading star]
You're gonna be successful, because you're beautiful. Take care of yourself and be happy. Goodbye..

I wish i knew korean well, so i can understand peefectly what these songs are trying to tell me.

lifeline.

im thinking.
im thinking of skipping the kayaking this saturday. though i really wanna go, and yb is probably gonna be there. and jeff too. and all the other YSAs i wanna meet. plus i havent been in the water for a long time. i needa get the fish in me out again.

but then today happened. what i chanced on was kinda shocking, took me by surprise. wanted to talk to alison about this, cuz i guess its something important that i should ask her opinion on. anyway. turns out she had a bad day herself too. so i talked to her on whatsapp. im glad i did :') she needed my help more than i needed hers. not that she is hopeless or anything, but as usual, i told myself that its better to help others.

things arent about me. it never has been and never will be. its always about helping someone else out. 

my problems can come later. hearing me out can come later. other people's problem and helping them out will always be more important than my miniscule miseries of the mind. anyway.

i helped alison to get back on her tracks. and it feels great to have such a friend like her. she's irreplaceable. ALISON I HOPE YOURE READING THIS. i have my own mess ups. but i dont wanna talk about them when other people have their issues.

they are my priority.
i am not.
and that is definite.

i figured that i might be needed else where. somewhere more important than kayaking. i'll probably spend my morning with alison in band. its been a long time since i've talked to her face-to-face. and its been a long time even getting to meet her. since she's going for band this saturday, i guess i'd pop by too. i dont know, i havent made a decision yet.

but if i can, i probably would go down with her to nbss. mom wont be happy, she'll tell me to go for kayaking for sure. she might even make a fuss about it, but she doesnt see what i see. i dont know. but if i have to, i probably would go down with alison. she might need my help. spend half a day with her, see how things are doing. help out with the flutes..

i'll decide another day.

love and loss.

i just finished watching "A Werewolf Boy". i had NO idea that it was a korean film. i thought it was 100% angmoh. so i didnt watch it though a lot of people said it was super nice. today, on the school com, i was browsing through movies to watch, and i chanced upon this one. i looked at the title, it was written in korean. then i was like "what they dubbed it?!"

i went over to my friend's table, she said that its super nice. i asked her if its an english show, she said its korean. i was like "WHAAAAAAAAT!!!! sure bo" she said yeah. then i was like "really got werewolf ah? i dont wanna watch horror show leyh" then she was like "aiyah its not scary lah!! but you guy leyh can scared meh".

oh well. i watched it. start to finish, no breaks in between. the res wasnt that fantastic but can tahan lah. i dont wanna spoil any part of the show for any of you guys who have not seen it, but GO WATCH IT.

dont be surprised if i say that i cried at the end. GUYS CAN DROP TEARS TOO OKAY. ITS TOTALLY PERFECT. at least they have a heart that has feelings. and the end credit song is so appropriate. anyway. i really recommend everybody to watch it. it really is a very nice film.








i wonder if there's a girl like Chul Soo for me.
and will i ever be a Kim Su Ni.

lika record-setter.

yesterday was quite a good day!! woke up at like 6.30am, saw huimin's attempts to wake me up. 4 missed calls, 1 tweet, 1 sms. SORRY BUT I DIDNT WAKE UP SORRYYYYYYYYY. my own alarm woke me up at 6.30am lol. anyway, i continued lying on my bed till 6.50, and i regretted because i realised that time flew to like 8.30am. left the house within 10minutes, went to NBSS for band. looked through sherrie's grade 5 abrsm workbook (what do you call it anyway?), lika cheem only sia. i guess i only PLAY music ah, not compose them lol. heachache only XD anyway, he band broke for sectionals, (i think cuz i was there...mr chong wanted me to "kill the flutes" lol) gave them a solution to solve their decrescendo problem and their tune issues. SUPER HORRIBLE LOL. all become so lousy already. standard deproved sia. bad bad bad. wonder what the seniors were teaching them all along.

mr chong say kill them, aiyah my heart cannot ah. i so nice. anyway. i tried to be as assertive as i could, and left them to their own discipline. i went back to the band room (since the sectionals was outside the band room), told mr chong and mr goh the flute's problem, my solution, and my target date for them. i told the conductors that if the flutes didnt get it solved by the end of the month, they know what to do lah huh. i leave them to do their job. i cant do it for them. and left at like 11.20am for causeway point for lunch with grandma and my immediate family.

we ate at thai.bali or bali.thai or WHATEVER LAH but yeah. i had that dish with the weird name. kinda pricey for a small portion...i wasnt close to feeling full lah lol. anyway, went to timezone after that, and played a racing game with my grandma and my fam members. i won 1st place in the first game, then got 2nd in the second game cuz that siao brother of mine keep crashing my car into the wall. cheater bug!! ahhahahha.

then went to symphony music school, checked out the flute prices. miyazawa 2k sia. bo lui eh. then i was like.....lol okay. cant try out the flutes there since they dont have any once for testing. WHAT ON EARTH SIA. sell flute but cannot try out. so ima go to IMM and check it out. got more names there.

oh oh before that we had one last game at timezone. this game called "Speed Of Light". played twice. first time alone. basically in the 1P mode, you stand in front of 36 blue buttons. when it lights up, you press it as fast as you can. so within a certain time period, you need to press as many lights as possible. to what feels like 30 seconds, i got around 160ish buttons pressed. means 5/sec. sounds good to me eh lol.

second round was against my bro. this time, each person takes 18 buttons. i stood on the left, kor on the right. we competed against each other to see who had faster reflexes, since this is what the aim of the game is. first i was leading, then kor took over, then i won in the end hahahhaha. I WAS DESTINED TO WIN THAT GAME XD i hit 186 and kor hit 170-something. WHOOHOO!!

that means i hit 6/sec (if the time limit was 30secs). that pretty much made me feel so good lol. dad tried initial D racing after that. during his race, i saw this couple try out that Speed Of Light game. 2 people playing on 1P mode. okay nehmind lah huh. couple mah. in the end, they hit 170-something in the time limit. i thought about it. for a moment i thought they were better, then i was like....

WAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIT. TWO PEOPLE, TOTAL IS 170-SOMETHING. EACH PERSON ONLY GOT 80-SOMETHING IN 30SECS. THAT MEANS...2.5/SEC.

i thought back to my speed of 6/sec. MY SCORE LIKE NICER AH HAHAHAHHAHAHA. anyway yeah i set the high score on that machine. woohoo!!

then after that, went back home (after checking the flutes out) then went for Boyfriend's showcase at The Arts Performance Centre. too bad i couldnt get any post-worthy pictures. saw my aunt and couzzie there. reached home tired, oh so tired.

and there werent any stars to see, nor the light from the moon to wonder at. horrible ending to a good day.

Like the Moon.

Whats it like to be a star? To be popular, to be famous? With crowds screaming and cheering for you for everything that you do, and youre the star of the show? Where whatever you says goes? Appearing on variety shows, playing a role in a drama or movie.

Going for so many concerts, the feeling has started to rub off on me. Maybe i should stop going for all these stuffs. I dont know.

Things might turn rough, but youd always have your buddies with you. Going on tours, meeting all kinds of people, trying out all kinds of food, taking every kind of pictures possible..

Must be one heck of a life eh. Am i jealous? I dont know. But it sounds good being star.

opinion. nothing more, nothing less.

[

Ako C Kim (fan page)

MY TESTIMONY

My name is James. I and my wife Sandra got married 14yrs ago and since then we had no child. As Christians, we still believed God for a baby at the due time. Finally, my wife got pregnant and everything was alright. On the day of delivery, I was driving her to the hospital and suddenly our car collided with an on-coming lorry and we had a fatal accident. My sister narrated it thus:

...''We had a call from the police through the identification found on you that you and Sandra were in the hospital. When we came to the hospital, the Doctor asked us to sign some documents so that an operation could be performed on Sandra to bring the baby out."

The baby came out alive but Sandra was declared dead while I was in comma with my two legs broken. In the night, a man clothed in white appeared to me and touched my head. From that moment, I started sneezing. After 5mins, I sat up and became a little strong. Then I asked, 'where is my wife'? Then, somebody the next door started sneezing too. That was Sandra. 'She's alive, she's alive', the nurses shouted. Sandra also narrated that the same man clothed in white who touched my head also touched her head. Few days later we were discharged from the hospital. My broken legs have also been restored and I can walk perfectly too.

Today, I, Sandra and our daughter named Miracle are all alive. What was supposed to be our happiest day turned out to be a sorrowful day but we thank God for today. Ladies and gentlemen, God exists and still performs miracles, even the miracle of bringing the dead to live.

Now I decree that:
1. Nothing will cut your joy short on the happiest day of your life in Jesus name.
2. I command every dead thing in your life to come back alive in Jesus name.
3. This year, may you receive a miracle that will attract the attention of the world in Jesus mighty name. Type AMEN in the comment box to claim these prayers.

Share this testimony.

]personally, i find it kinda funny how someone can "decree" and "command" something to happen without the Priesthood. im not boasting or whatever, but i mean, its like you know you dont have the power nor the authority to do it, but you do it anyway. then again, you might not know that you dont have the power or authority anyway.

firstly, to "command every dead thing in your life to come back alive" is a really big deal. not just anybody can do it. AND even if you can do it, you dont make it available to everybody. because the intent is wrong.

secondly, doing something "in Jesus name" is an even greater deal. you dont anyhow mess with the name or use it as and when you like. if you're commanding something to happen in His name, you'd better be doing it right and properly.

next, you're decreeing that "Nothing will cut your joy short on the happiest day of your life". no joke. read up man. things like this happen all the time. people go for holidays, weddings, child birth, this and that, you name it, bad things happen. happiest day of their lives, wasnt it?

also, to "receive a miracle that will attract the attention of the world" isnt right. a miracle doesnt work like that. it is NOT to attract the attention of the world, and it never will work on that principle. a miracle is to strengthen your testimony of Christ, and also to let you know still that God does love you. never is it for any othe purpose.

the last part is the best. you CLAIM a prayer by typing the word "Amen". macam say you claim these prayers by reading this whole article eh.

there will be no difference, unless you make the difference.
and i dont think by typing something into the comment box, sharing a picture, or liking a post, would be the difference.

anyway. i got this off from facebook. im not angry or anything, just my honest opinion. im not saying "stop this right now" or anything like that. im just pointing out how i feel about it. im not denying anybody of his or her right to worship God. i dont believe in doing that. im also not trying to put anybody down. if this post came across as such, my sincere apologies, i did not mean it that way.
keyboard warrior, you might call me. but whatever, im just stating my opinion.

Dying.

I have you meet you soon.
Its weird not seeing you on sundays anymore.

In Memory.

Just this past tuesday, my last day at DIY Essentials, i met another 2 of the seniors that i have not yet seen at that time. The one who opened the shop (since i was on the monring shift that day) was jun wei. Big buff guy who's done with NS. Was a Commando in the army. Big guy with a big heart too. He's a wonder because he's so friendly.

Then came jun liang. This dude enlists the day after, on wesnesday (yesterday), and was pretty worried about army life. He mentioned about how "after tonight, i'll be sleeping in the bunk already", of which jun wei counselled "army hor, you should go in with the objective to meet new friends. Then time will pass by very fast".

They talked about the film "Ah Boys To Men", and in no time, lunch time arrived. Jun wei with the big heart, told me that he's gonna get lunch at pastamania, so he was asking me what i'd like to have. I had no idea at all about what theyre dishing out in pastamania, so i told him "anything, whatever you guys are having, i'll also have". He footed the whole bill. He bought this macaroni cheese thingy with bread bits in it. He bought pizza and this cheese popiah..? Plus some squid rings i think. Plus food for himself and jun liang too.

Reason why he treated is kinda obvious lah, cuz jun liang was going in the next day. He told jun liang "eat more, when you enter, you want have so much nice food!! So you better eat more!!" hahahha. I thanked him for the food. AND YEAH I DID BLESS THE FOOD HOR BEFORE I ATE. It was kinda weird, so i didnt say a long one and i tried to make it as inconspicuous as i could. The food was awesome!!

Talked about army life, what to do, jun wei gave jun liang advice, which i decided to listen to as well.
Time went by fast once again. Dennis started his shift at 1ish, and then jun liang and jun wei ledt the shop at different timings at around 2ish since their shift ends around there.

My last day at DIY.
I learned so much during my time there. Not the technical stuff, more on social things.
I hope i learn as much while here in SP.

thought.

"Keep your mind clear. And that's it. You will have peace of mind. My dear, don't worry. Learn to adjust yourself."
- Purdeep

"Within our lifetimes, we've marveled as biologists have managed to look at ever smaller and smaller things. And astronomers have looked further and further into the dark night sky, back in time and out in space. But maybe the most mysterious of all is neither the small nor the large: it's us, up close.
Could we even recognize ourselves, and if we did, would we know ourselves? What would we say to ourselves? What would we learn from ourselves? What would we really like to see if we could stand outside ourselves and look at us?"
- Richard Berendzen

quotes from the film "Another Earth".

changes.

well, i'll cut the story short. super short.

instead of having my itp at the DIY shop, im now "relocated" to SP Bioengineering lab for the remaining of my ITP days. i have so much to be grateful for, but sometimes i just dont see it. sad.

and now so many of my classmates at the DIY place all also wanna change location...i feel so guilty. the lecturers gonna have so much more to explain. im guessing that they're gonna be turned down, then my classmates gonna say "why samuel can change" then this and that. then problems arise. what problems, i dont wanna think about it. problems are mostly always never good. so there. i shall stop thinking about it.

anyway. i think ima be with atiqah, king kong, benjamin, and still got who ah. jia chen. STEADY AHHH!!!! the nonsensical group lol.

and then....i still needa get my logbook signed for my time during DIY. i guess i needa see irene....that woman that i never wanna see. but oh well. i have to. once things settle down, i'll see when i can set a time for her to sign my stuff. i needa print out the pictures, annotate, label....im gonna miss the seniors at DIY. that whole bunch of fun people that i so badly stereotyped my whole life.

im such a bad person.

but oh well. we all learn from our mistakes, and we progress from there.

and once i get my schedule, and my lens back, we are going to botanic gardens for sure.
promise.
i figured that i should set the date as soon as possible.
you need a break from school.

Demons.

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtain's call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl
So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Demon.

I dont know why i didnt sms you first when i reached home. My excuse would be cuz mom said to go bathe straight away, but youd probably say that i could still squeeze in one sms before i put my phone down. And i would have nothing to say after that.

Yes, im in the wrong, i know it.
And im sorry.

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes, its where my demons hide, its where my demons hide.
Dont get too close, its dark inside, its where my demons hide, its where my demons hide.

When are we 만나-ing? Lol

Oh bore my testimony today (sunday). I dont know why, but when i plan out what i wanna say, even writing things down in my phone, i forget a lot of what i wanna say. Today also. Went to share about music, motab, but i forgot to talk about how the lyrics mean so much. I wrote some exerpts from a few that i recently listened to onto my phone.

Went up to the pulpit and totally forgot to open the text file. How stupid is that. And its not the first time; its the second. The first was when i wanted to share 3 points. First and second points went well, but when i read through the third one, i totally forgot what i wanted to talk about for that point.

Mom says its cuz it wasnt meant to be shared, or it wasnt the right time to be said. I dont know bout that, but itll do for now.

Anyway. It was super embarrassing. So i just quickly made up some stuff. Dont know if i should do that or not, but it made sense either way.

But i dont know if i make sense myself at times.

The longing.

Staring through a glass pane wishing and hoping.
It has always been like that, hasnt it?
It has never been any different.
Welcome to my life.

First week.

Akit
Dennis
Firman
Wani
Ting Han
Clarence
Moses

So far these are the seniors that i've worked with at the conclusion of my first week of internship at this hardware shop called "DIY Essentials". One branch at Joo Chiat, another at Sun Plaza. Thus week i've been stationed at joo chiat, while i'll be stationed at sun plaza in the coming week. The seniors are all special and amazing in thiur own ways, and theyre awesome like that!!

Akit is the slacker dude. He taught me how to slack in here. Met him on the first day.
Dennis is the nice friendly senior to give me advice. I met him on the second day.
Firman is a recently graduated SP student who also studied bioengineering. He's exactly one year my senior. His ITP placement was also at this diy shop. He's super friendly, the joker dude, and also gives advice. He lives in yishun so whenever im working the same shift as him, we'd take the same train. Met him on wednesday!!
Wani!! This friendly malay senior is always smiling, i dont know how the heck she does it lol. She has more knowledge than some others, so i would usually ask her my questions. She is super honest too. But when she's serious, dont talk to her!! She either replies slowly or not at all. Met her briefly on wednesday. AND IMA STARE AT HER WHILE SHE EATS HER MEALS XD cuz she keeps looking at me work lol i think she spying on me sia.

Ting Han. Super fierce-looking dude. 1 year younger than me, built, and is going through sessions to remove his tattoos. I was super wary of him for the first few moments, but he turned out to be super friendly and nice and sometimes a joker. Takes supplements and has a girlfriend. Has truckloads of spare cash lol. Met him today, on the sixth day :)

Clarence!! Met him on the third day i think? I only found out that he's a smoker, like ting han, only today. But not as a heavy smoker compared to ting han. And he knows his stuff around the shop!! Really friendly and approachable :)

Moses. This dude is out to kill me XD jkjk. He is rather more serious than the other seniors. But not SUPER serious. Just more serious. He likes to give me questions to make sure i know my stuff. And when i ask him what is this and this for, he makes me think out possible answers, and questions my reasoning. I like that. But only sometimes ah. Met him on wednesday!!

Then there's irene. The lady that you see me complaining about on twitter. She's a single lady, unmarried, and so far, she's been kinda far from what i'd hope for a boss. I see her 4 times a week when im at joo chiat, and only once a week when im at sun plaza. I tell her that i dont work on sundays but nooooooooo she wants me to. I tell her cuz its of church and my belief, she says 'i also christian what but i work on sundays' (actually no she doesnt. She has her full weekends for herself.) so i tell her that i'll try to sort it out.

And my fam's being really surpportive. Kor wrote out the letter, mom sent it to my liaison officer, dad telling kor what to add in. And jie's still serving her mission lovingly. What more could i ask for? I dunno.

Im hoping things pull through well for me. I dont wanna work on sundays, and i'll be changing my itp placement if things dont work out well.

I hope they do.

난아라.

Yes, i know.

I know that you think me weird, me and my practices. I know you think me as awkward. I know that i dont say the best things nor the things you want to hear every single time.

I know that you think me crazy, skipping big competitions that fall on sundays. I know you think me a load of rubbish when i tell you i do not want to work on sundays.

I know you think me ridiculous.
I know you think me dumb.
I know you think me stupid at times.
I know you think im not who i say  i claim to me.

I know that i do not always catch on quickly. I know that at times, i will appear to be rather 'lost'. I know that i have my pride. I know that i find it hard to do things the way you want them done.

I know im not as talented as your so-and-so. I know im not as skilled as so many others. I know im not great musician. I know im not a great vocalist. I know im not  great fixer. I know im not a great fighter. I know im not a great photographer. I know im not the best friend. I know im not a great person either.

I know that im not as loving as many, whom i will meet and have already met, would wish i were.

I know im not the obedient son you wish i were, and neither am i the loving and caring son that every parent desires. I also know that im not as patient as i wish i were.

I know, i know, i know.

I know that im skinny, that im not as muscular compared as many others. I know that im not as smart and many. And i also know that im not as good looking than an even greater number.

And for all these things, i am always aware of them. There is never a day that goes by that they do not cross my mind. It is something i am always conscious of.

And i thus hope you know that i do not need reminding.

Perhaps this is my life-long test. A test of character, a test of faith, a test of patience.

What is the purpose life if there are no tests? For by these are miracles brought to pass.

blind.

today was such a crazy day.
nothing seemed to go well.
i wish i could end a day like today with you.

but of course, that would never happen. its so late...
plus there werent that many stars in the sky tonight, and i couldnt even see the moon.

deprived of what makes me happy.

a part of my life that i will never give away for anything.

so. today is too awesome to even fit into a blogpost. its THAT awesome.
do away with this whole week. im happy living like today already.

we had stake conference yesterday and today. yesterday was the ysa/sa and adult session. today was the general session. and today is so awesome. reached church at 0830hours to practice the piece with ying er and shuan. theyre playing the violin and grand piano respectively, and im on the flute. SO. ying er arrived at 0900hours i think, but by that time i was already in the choir practicing the songs. ying er and shuan and i went to the adjacent RS room some time later to practice our piece together. went back to the chapel, tuned ying er's violin, then went to the primary room to tune mine.

guess what? embouchure problem. either flat or sharp. then after all that, ying er said that i begin either sharp/flat, then a bit after that my tone goes in tune lol. i decided that i had a super horrible embouchure >< anyway. we decided to leave things as they were and get ready for conference.

throughout, i was so content to be singing in the choir. i loved the sunday session. it was so amazing. you could feel so much of the Spirit throughout the whole session. its just amazing. but anyway. its too precious of an experience for me to explain it here.

then came the part where ying er and i to play. i was sooooooo nervous. as the time was getting nearer, i would feel my heart pumping like siao. anyway. i expected to play after marie ellis' testimony sharing, but after that we had the 2 new outgoing mission presidents from our stake give their talk/testimony. then one more talk after that i think.

well, it eventually came to my turn. sorry but i wont be going through the details here. i feel that its not the right place to share the details, but i'll give some insights nonetheless.

ying er and i went up, shuan went up. he started playing the piano, and how glad i was to practice so much at home. it turned out pretty well. for the first segment, my knees were shaking. it wasnt too violent since i have had tonnes of practice in greeting large crowds over the years. but it was shaking nonetheless since i was still nervous, and its my first time playing alongside somebody like ying er, and first time playing the flute in front of a crowd, one such as a stake conference.

practices helped, deep breathes helped a lot, confidence too. but most of all, the thing that helped me the most is prayer.

and i shall leave it at that.
reflecting on this experience, there is no need for physical evidence to prove that there is a God. because i know that there is one, ever looking down on all of us, showering us with His love.

such profoundness within such simplicity. 
i am so blessed.

Life happens.

So i sent in my 80-20 on friday i think. Went all the way to tanjong pagar from paya lebar for that itp briefing thing. Far sia. Thought id be late but in the end quite okay. Found my way there on my own. Kinda had some bad directions from my classmate who was already there. Anyway. Sent in my lens, cost me $200 (rounded off). Expected uh. That idiot that i got this lens from. Long story that i dont wanna tell the world. Not like as if i wanna keep it in my brain like that.

Anyway. While i was in the nikon shop i looked around, chexked out the lenses, tried a macro lens. That fella tryna sell me a macro lens, he quoted $699 i think. Quite okay ah. I think it has a constant aperture. Fixed focal at 85mm. Dont think i need one. Macam get extensioj tube then okay liao orh. But needa use with const ap i think. Better results. If it works. I should be like asfa and experiment a lot. But money come from where sia.

Saturday.
Supposed to go for band with gillian, alison and sherrie. Then first two cmi cuz gillian working, alisom got band. Sherrie went i think. I overslept, woke up at 9. Band started at 7am. Power bo.

So i stayed at home, then went for lunch with grandma, uncle stan + auntie lisa, auntie jen and her fam, and my fam. We went to this chinese restaurant. Not bad ah. Relatively cheap plus got a lot of variety. No gst sia. I ate my first 2 crabs there. Chili crab and black pepper crab. Both not spicy sia no kick one. A little kick also dont have. Anyway. It was kinda hars to eat. And i felt so sorry for the crab. Dont think i'll eat crab again in a long time. Then peeled my own prawn also for the first time. Frraking leyxheh. Paiseh ah, so old liao also nevee peel prawn before. Mom also neh cook. Go out also dont eat. Retard sia. Anyway.

Grandma passed me the wasabi peas too all the way from hong kong thanks to my uncle. He rocks. Lovelovelovesomuchlove. I love my grandma.

After that, went home with mom, took the train. Reach home, practice flute, then went for conf. Loved it. Awesome 2hours. And my tenant came along too. So...good. Cleaned uo after that with jeff, pretty much slacking ahm changed the trash bin bag, then slacked off in the kitchen. Raided it although there wasnt much to raid either. Green grapes and frozen milo packets.

Came home, chilled, installed mirror's edge 1. Got it working on my own since its cracked. I very guai one kay, never do all these stuff very often also. Anyway. That leads me to where i am now.

Mdnight, check mail, facebook, twitter, off com, lie down on bed, wait for mom and kor to leave the room. In the end kor left, and before that i was telling mom to dont keep looking at what i post on fb cuz paiseh lah. Then after a while she say "then dont friend lah" and "remove that family thing". Walao eh. Arrow me till like that. Then also say "got a lot of rubbish also hor, fyi you ah". That time ah...

忍。I tell you ah, I 忍 until cannot 忍 anymore. Super pekcek. Cannot tahan sia. But I just keep quiet. Super hard to keep quiet. But i managed ah. Sigh. Spam twitter after that. Then write this.

Well, its just another problem, and i'll get over it, just as i have for everything else. Not really looking forward for tomorrow, but at least i get to see you.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
I hope for lesser problems, lesser arguments, lesser disagreements.
I hope for more happiness, more satisfaction, more joy, more accomplishment, more love, more life.
I hope for so much.

And yet i never do anything about it.

Anyway. Im a hypocrite like that. But how much of a hypocrite am it? More than i imagine, i guess.

Double standard, if you want.