Waves that crash

[17 mar]

We keep hitting the same rocks. The one that breaks us over and over again. It's something that cannot be avoided. We can choose to not talk about it, but doing that would break us apart. And talking about it would do just the same. I believe that there's only one way that really benefits us. But of course there are other options. 

1) I leave my church for yours

2) you leave your church for mine 

3) we don't ever talk about church again

4) we stay as we are now

Of course, both of us would want 1 or 2 to happen. Ideally. And logically too. It would bring the most happiness for us. Religion plays a big role in both our lives, and so that's why 1 and 2 are equally hard. 3 is an option too, but it's a bad one. Because it just means that we are ignoring something that makes us who we both are right now. And I'm sure that that is something that we both cannot do. We cannot have a Christ-centered relationship this way. And it's just plain ignorance. 4 is also another option too. But idk. I think that one will show the splits and cracks later on...

Invaluable

[10 mar]

All that time spent

Holding your hand

Holding your shoulder 

Holding your waist

Sharing hugs

Rubbing your skin

Pinching your cheeks 

Poking your stomach

Telling you jokes

Smiling at you

Looking at you intently 

Sharing stories

Opening up our hearts 

Making plans together 

Waiting for each other 

Walking together 

Venting out our concerns 

Getting each other worried 

Sharing our dreams 

Snapping to each other exclusively

And also

The names we give each other. 

There'll never be enough of it. 

And I never want it to end. 

Ever. 

Rea-light-sation

[2 Mar]

"Baby baby baby believe me

If I stay

It ain't gonna be easy 

Okay we'll do it your way

This is the last time

You'll hear the beautiful sound

Of love coming down"

You take me on roller coaster rides 

Up and down and all around 

Coming up on my sides

Troubles are all abound 

We meet we talk we lace our hands

Moments like these are hard to come by

Sometimes we try to follow the trends 

But all I can do is sigh 

Does anybody know how to hold my heart

Cuz I don't wanna let go of you 

And I feel like I'm being played like a dart 

Cutting the air, I'm just flying through 

Thrown about without any thought 

Over and over and over again 

I try to keep my cool, but it's for naught

Or am I being a pain?

Because I remember it all too well

[26 Feb] 

I told you I had something to tell you. 

1920: arrived at Bishan. Drew $20 but stupid ATM only can dispense $50. Fine lorh. Scouted around the area for a place to eat. Pastamania, LJS, Subway. Visited the basement and made a round there too, and there wasn't much to do and see there. Turned my 3G off because it was killing my battery. 

1942: outside the mixed grill place on level two. Turned my 3G back on in case got important people message me. Turns out, have!! Hahaha. 

"What are we eating? Hungry girl is grumpy. HAHAHAHA"

"Thai express. The orange elephant one."

"HAHAHAHA omg I like Thai food. Nice okay hahahahaha"

"Yeahhhh ✌️✌"

Heading in, I chose a table for eight but with only two other people at the far end of the table. I sat down facing the entrance so I'd be easily spotted. My phone kept vibrating with the many group chats from work. It was getting annoying so I kept it face down so I couldn't be distracted. 

2004: you said that you're walking in now, so I thought I'd see you within the next ten seconds BUT NO. Anyway you came in in the next minute or so? I was replying army messages (I admit) then I saw someone walking towards me from the corner of my eye. I finished sending the messages and looked to see who it could be. 

Lo and behold!! Princess arrive liao. I thiiiiink she was trying to surprise me from behind (irdk) but if you were, I'm sorry!! Hahaha. Sitting down on the sofa seat, you asked me what I was eating. I had decided already. It was the wonderful yellow garlic chicken!! I was feeling adventurous at that time and so I decided to go ahead with the spicy spicy chilli. You had your pineapple rice (it looks so nice) and then there was the clear Tom yam soup (which undoubtedly saved my burning mouth so many times). I ate the cashew nuts that was on your plate, and along the meal you gave me some shrimps and mushroom to eat (I hope you liked the chicken I shared with you HAHAHAHA). Thank goodness you're not saliva conscious though!! 

It was a cold cold day for you, so I figured that taking our mango rice out would be the best idea. While waiting for the mango rice to be packed, we played psyched together with your friends. I moved over to sit beside you *wink wink* ahhaha. That was so fun hahaha and we managed to psyched your friends!! Fun sia!! When the mango rice came, I paid the bill then we left. 

You thought it was the end of the night, didn't you! Hahaha well NOPE!!! I brought you out to the bus interchange and looked for the buses. You said that one of the buses would bring you back home, and so it was decided!! We went to the berth and waited for the bus to pull up and so we resumed our psych session ahhaha. 

We boarded the bus when it arrived and sat beside the window. I hadn't a clear idea of where we were going but she said "where are we going?" "Nooooo not telling you" and she was like "do you know where to stop?" And haha honestly NOPE because it's my first time going but I said "I'll know when I reach!!" So yeah. She looked over my screen discreetly and saw that we were going to Bishan park hahaha so much for the secrecy. 

"Are we going to Bishan park"

"Wah how you know!! You see my screen ah" 

"No lah I never. I had the idea that we're going there."

"Ehhhhh..."

"Haha yeah because I always go there for my running last time"

"Oooooohhhhhh....haha yeah lah we're going there..."

We alighted, only to find that it was raining. Sam Sam came prepared because he had his umbrella with him!! Sam Sam took it out and held it open for rach rach. We walked, rounds and rounds, over and up the bridges. We sat down at a small pavilion near the HDB, and ate our mango rice there. 

I took out the gift that I got for you from my bag. I hope you like it :) perhaps we could get something more fitting for the two of us :P well. I still need to look for something special. 

It was soon time to go. You needed to go back home, I needed to go back to camp. I still wanted to tell you that something, but I couldn't find a way to bring it up properly. There were moments of silence here and there that I thought I could use to tell you what I had in my mind, but it all seemed so inappropriate, for some reason. It was only until you asked me "so what was it that you wanna tell me" that I had no choice but to say it out. 

It took me so long to mention it at all. I delayed a bit here and there, because I didn't have the guts to say it. After a minute or so, I knew that I had to do it. Do or die. 

By this time, it felt so much like a dream. It felt like there wasn't a care in the world that could destroy this moment. It was bliss, perfect tranquility, sweet serenity. The way you reacted got me worried. I thought that for some reason, I had done something wrong, said something weird, or just landed myself in the friendzone. It was a mix of everything, and so I was confused and worried so much. I couldn't wrap my mind around the situation, and neither could I see what's going on in that mind of yours. 

Occasionally, our hands would touch, and I'd hold yours for a while, only for it to slip out moments later. I tried to remain calm, composed, and chill. Eventually, I found out that you shared the same feelings for me too. Yayyyy!! Hahaha happiest day!!! 

You were so shy, you couldn't even look me in the eyes. (Cuteness alert). By now we were at the bus stop, waiting for the bus. 

"So do you wanna date me?"

Yeahhh I should have been the one asking but it's alright I guess!! 

In my usual shy self (you wouldn't believe how shy I was), I said "yeahhh, that would be nice" HAHAHAHAHA WHAT A FAIL XD but yesssss that's what I said AHHAHAHA. 

We talked about the future. It is a challenge, but I'm sure we'll figure something out together. I mean, I'm kiiiiiiiinda good at that, so don't worry!! We will work something out :) all you gotta do is trust me ^^

We changed the topic, but someone asked me to send her home. HEHEHEHE JACKPOT!!!! We stood at the standing part of the bus, hand in hand, and it was perfect. 

Just, simply, perfect.

If only the bus would keep driving, without making any stops, without time passing by, without any passengers but us, so I could hold your hand forever. 

That would make me so happy. 

You introduced to you area, your school, and pointed out to me your block. We kept an eye out for people you know, for people I know, all while keeping our laced hands hidden from view. 

Your stop eventually came, so we alighted, and I walked you off for a distance. We shared a goodbye hug, and it felt like heaven being in your embrace. 

Sigh. What did I do to be so lucky. 

I watched you walk off into the distance, back up into your block. I crossed the road and followed your instructions, taking the bus that would take me back to the mrt station. Through the whole journey back, you were there with me every step of the way. I loved it. 

That night, I felt so complete. 

It was like as if I had died and lived again. 

Indescribable bliss. Pure pure bliss. 

2334: stepped back into camp, got prank checked by Dedrick, my ex-trainee who is now a sergeant back in the camp. We talked for a bit, but soon after I had to get back to my girlfriend. I wished him goodnight, and reunited with her. 

======================

Great, great day. 

What do you think?

[22 Feb]

Sometimes I can't decide whether it is just my sleeping pattern or whether I'm really exhausted, but I'm pretty sure I am exhausted but I don't exhibit the signs. The symptoms are there, but not the signs. Well anyway. I wish I can just have an easier life, without a heavy calling as the ward Mission leader, without the worries that a medic instructor would have, without the worries of what home would be like when I open the door. 

But I guess that's what everybody wants right? A worry-free life, full of joy and laughter. No need to think about work or how you're gonna provide for your family. Without the need to worry about anger or frustration, nor the work load or deadlines to meet, grades to achieve, nor people to impress. A life where love comes freely, where people openly express themselves without needing to worry about image or opinions. 

I still need to work on my communication. We communicate emotions through words and actions. The hard part for me sometimes is firstly deciphering what emotions are being communicated, and what can I do to communicate positive emotions back. 

But I'm a perfectionist. I'll let you find out what kind of perfectionist I am!! 

Reversal.

[21 Feb]

Today I woke up at 0615, and headed out to church at around 0645. Grace and I were going to play a musical piece at church today. She would be on the piano and I would be on my flute. We reached at around 0745, and kicked off our practice at 0800. We managed to polish up on the parts that we weren't so familiar with, and we were doing great. Her enthusiasm really was a boost to mine!! 

0900 came about and the sacrament began. Soon, time flowed and it was our turn. We prepared everything and I took a deep breath in. I gave her a nod, saying that I was ready, and she began. This time I was really nervous, but I knew I had gone through similar performances like this and knew I could do it. I played my parts well!! I had a small break, and when I was going to come in, I miscounted the beats, and so I missed that part. I looked for the next part to come in but there wasn't a good place to do so. 

Beginning to be desperate, I began to show signs of a troubled person. I touched my music score, shifted around, sighed in an attempt to calm myself down. I began to be distraught. As grace played on, the score went by in a breeze. Soon, it was my turn again. I came in when I should and was glad I did. A short quaver rest, and I missed the beat to come in. Again. It got horrible. I only managed to play the last few notes. 

My heart sunk. It sunk so low. I packed up my stuff, not making eye contact with anyone, and headed back to my seat. 

I was horrible. 

I thought about why I couldn't play. 

I thought about how much of a failure I was. 

I thought about taking a break from music.

I thought about taking a break from performances at least. 

I thought about leaving my flute alone, even though I knew it wasn't her fault. 

My heart broke. I had never, never ever, played as horribly as I did today. I had effectively missed out 4/5 of the whole score. Just moments earlier, I had gone through the whole score with grace with minor mistakes. So why was it that I messed up so badly? 

I didn't want to stay in that moment, but neither could my mind release its clutch on the thought. I was horrible. I really was. People came up to me and said their thanks, and how they appreciated me playing. It made me feel even worse. I felt like I had cheated their feelings as a Musician. The music I play is to make people happy. Yes, they were happy, but it was not a good performance. I had failed terribly, and for some reason, they still thanked me. I told them that I had missed a lot of notes.

One of the moms who talked to me had a daughter who was my junior in the band who also played the flute. I told her how much I failed, and I could see the reaction on her face, just as she could see mine. Her facial expression became more solemn, more expressive. Her expression softened, and you could see the worry and concern reach out from her to me. She offered words of encouragement and empathy. I knew that she cared deeply, but I couldn't shake off the feelings of disappointment that had such a strong hold on me. I left for the next class, still feeling unqualified to be carrying a flute around. 

I pushed the thought aside, hoping that no one would talk to me about it ever again. But lo and behold, how foolish I was to even hope for something as that. People were asking me what happened, and all I could say was that I was nervous. I was prepared, yes, but I lost control of myself. And I hated myself for that. I also hated how people could be so brutally honest. 

My best friend joked with me about it, and smilingly asked me why I was so lousy. Yes, he asked me that. In the capacity as a "best friend", he had just made me feel even worse. 

I wanted to walk out of the room at that very moment. I did not deserve to be talked to like that. I had done my best, but it wasn't enough. And now here comes a guy who just comes marching by and drops a grenade into my unsuspecting hands. 

And I took it as bravely as I could. I smiled, and insisted that I was nervous. I kept saying that I don't know what had happened, but I was nervous. The rest of the day was better. I still got chided here and there, but I took it all in. 

I later convinced myself to let the thought go. I will still carry on with my flute, with my music, and I will do it bravely. I had messed up, but I cannot let a small blunder alter my future. I will fight on. 

"I will overcome adversity with my fighting spirit". 

You say I'm crazy

[18 Feb]

Today was such a loooooooong day. Woke up at 0720 for first parade which was supposed to be at 0745. Turned on my 3G first before brushing teeth, as usual, and to my wonderful surprise, Ridhwan messaged me saying that first parad was pushed forward to 0730. That left me 10minutes to brush teeth and change up and get all ready for the day. I rushed and manager to be down and ready for first parade at 0729. Awesome timing. 

Since it was their first time having first parade (it was their second day here), I was tasked to teach them how first parade would be carried out. We were able to get it all done by 0750. We headed over to the medical centre for their hepB screening, meaning that all of that were required to have their blood drawn. It was kinda crazy because nobody knew what to do. And with it being their second day here only, it was difficult to control 71 people. Our platoon usually was only 50-odd people, but now it's about 1.5 times larger. It was definitely a challenge but it all turned out alright. 

We headed over to the medical centre and I told them that we were here for the screening. I got directed to the right people and so everything began. The medical centre was now using a new documentation platform and so there were a lot of things that couldn't be done as they usually were, which caused us to wait for 1hr 20mins in an adjacent training shed. I took the opportunity to talk to the course during that period to get to know them and to answer their many questions. It took them a while to get warm and comfortable with me, but soon they began to open up. Questions came free and easy soon after. 

We only started the drawing of blood for the course at 0920. However, we had a lecture that was due to begin at 1000. I had to message different people to see if the lecture could be pushed further back, and eventually succeeded (I mean, they couldn't say no anyway). After a few more hiccups, we were finally able to get the course to be at the lecture room at 1050. The lecturer wasn't that quite pleased (even though he was informed) but I couldn't blame him. Nobody likes a imperfect plan. 

He started the lesson with a broad overview. Like, REALLY REALLY broad. So broad that it wasn't even part of the lecture AT ALL. Okay can. He spent a good 10minutes on that. He did say that we were an hour behind time (yes we were) and so he would need to squeeze his lesson a bit. With that in mind, I kept a watchful eye on the time. He stopped his lesson a little after the time that he was supposed to stop, aka 1530.

Once he was done, we headed straight for the guard house. We were going to attend the guard brief first to orientate the course about the vicinity and what to look out for when doing guard duty. We had a briefing in the hot sun (but didn't bother because we're all soldiers) (cheyyyyyyy) and then were handed over to the troopers for their orientation route. 

Once that was done, they went back ip to their bunk for their orientation run of the whole camp. They visited places and ran together. I was the safety officer, so even though I was prepared to run, I couldn't. Oh well. Sit and chill. 

Dinner, then close the day. 

BUT. 

We spent the whole night (yeap, I only stepped back into bunk at 9pm) giving out their medic bags and doing some documentation. 

It was a long night. 

I didn't have difficulty waking up the next day but I was tired through and through. 

Shag life. 

What's worse, there's so much on my mind. 

When Wednesday comes...