Heart of glass

Monday morning: fall in for morning exercise, but sergeant not there to supervise. Called him so many times, called the others, all never pick up. Got pick up also no use. Ended up having other sergeant from the men side to supervise. Otot marched to cook house to eat leftover(?) food. Marched back on our own.

Monday night: today was a mad day. First two lectures taken by the quite pretty bimbo-looking lecturer. I thought it was the really super pretty one taking us but FINE. then third lecture came around and then one of my friends said "eh Sam I saw the pretty lecturer outside, I think she coming in later". Idky he told me(?) but I think it's because during last week Friday we were taught by her for 3 lectures. And then when I reported strength to her I think I was smiling and everybody saw. Lol.

Anyway yeah she took us for this one lecture!! I was the most attentive during that one LOL. Stupid retard. Anyway yeah I was pretty determined to get her number so I formulated a plan beforehand. YES I'm freakin serious. Anyway she isn't that much older than me so I wouldn't care. Age for me isn't important, just as long as the age gap isn't too big lol I can't imagine being with someone 10years my junior. So yeah. I formulated the plan, but DUE TO UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES, she didn't take us for the last lecture of the day after a practical session.

More about the practical session: we learned about patient transfer, so basically how to transfer patient from a bed to a wheelchair and repositioning a patient on a bed. So she was in charge of one of the stations where we practiced how to transfer patient from the bed to a wheelchair. I volunteered to be the patient (actually so I could lie down on the bed really) then she started doing the demo (and then in my head I started to go ohohohohohohohoh). Then we came to the part where we (the patient) needed to hug the aider(?) and the aider would hold the patient's waist.

OH WOWWWWWWWWW.

By this time I was already smiling like a freaking retarded kid about to get ice cream for a present. Yes, I was really smiling like a kid, I'm not kidding. Must have been one of the most happiest times of my life..? But anyway. There I was, sitting on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor, just looking up at her face as she looked at me (actually demonstrating lah). I think I must have had those killer puppy dog eyes that made her say "okay so you hold the patient at the waist like this..."

Okay kidding. That never happened. She actually asked another person to take over her.

My heart decided to stall after flying straight up vertically, causing it to plummet straight down back to Earth only to crash nose first into the ground. Sigh. Yes, it really felt like that.

Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.

Yes.
Thinking about that incident, I don't know how to continue from here. But its not the end of the story. Remember my plan to get her number? :P

So we changed stations, and eventually went back to the main auditorium for the next lecture. That's when my heart sank even more. I was sitting at my seat going through my lesson (that I'll be teaching in church this sunday) when my friend said "eh Samuel wake up lecturer come already". I was thinking "okay what she also won't scold" then when I looked up, I saw two guys wearing their smart4 walking down the stairs.

Shit.
Shit shit shit.
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT RAGE MODE ON.
SHE'S NOT TAKING US FOR THE LAST LECTURE. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT.

Went up to salute the captain, report strength, and then get the class started.

Nevermind, not giving up, I had extra lesson plans with me that I got from the control room which belonged to the HQ side. I'll ask my sergeant for permission to go to HQ and then look for her to return. Then that would be when I ask her for her number with my plan.

When I told my sergeant, he said "huh what extra lesson plans? Where did you get it from?" I told him and then he said "oh that's ours so just pass to me".

"just pass to me"
"to me"
"ME"
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Ohmygoodness I could've killed him right there. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME WHY OF ALL DAYS WHY AND OF ALL THINGS WHY THIS AND OF ALL PEOPLE WHY HER WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY.
Now I am left hopeless, just hanging by a thin strand of hope that she'll be taking us for another lecture sometime this week because if not this week, then I won't be the one reporting strength to her already. It has got to be this week, if not it won't work out.

Btw no one in camp knows about this plan. I feel like a spy whose heart is about to burst.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please

Nciekxbhciejwnaloxndksmxkdos

Either gimme a dog,
Or at least someone to call my own.

I'm dyingggggggggggggggg :/

Ware and tare.

This week hasn't been a good week. Nights out on Wednesday, with nowhere to go with no one to go with, I went back home. Had dinner there, then went back to camp. Booked out on Thursday because Friday is Labor Day. 

Spent the whole of Friday with Hyrum and Onson and Ya Cong. We had dinner at Nando's, then Hyrum and I went to watch Avengers. The waiting time for everything was ridiculous. Almost had to intervene for a few people at the Malaysian immigration because of the long and undesirable waiting
time: 3hrs. went back home at the end of the day at around 9ish only to realise that there was contention at home waiting for me. I didn't the whole night trying to resolve the issue that wasn't even mine to begin with. I stayed up all the way until 2am trying to solve it. Didn't manage to do ended up sleeping. 

Woke up at 9am. Did some exercise with mom and then played on the com until it was time to go to church for missionary meeting. Had institute right after that. Ming came in with trish and they sat behind me. Didn't have any feel to go fit mothers day celebration with the ward because things
just working out and the were some last minute stuff that I was assigned to do which I didn't wanna do. Ended up doing it anyway. 

For the rest of the night it was all about celebrating mothers. It was nice, but it was lonely. So lonely. I was smiling and laughing, getting the whole emcee game going on, but it really wasn't me. 

After it ended, I was hoping to go home with the YSAs because I didn't wanna go home alone. But they all left earlier than me. And so sometimes I feel like as if I'm being left out. Went home with mom and dad but went in the train in a different door because I just wanted to be alone. Ughhhhhhhh.

These past weeks have been lonely.
So very lonely.

My bunk is full of people in relationships with people to talk to at night, and in all alone.

I don't mind being alone.
I just hate being lonely.


Time is wearing me down.

I have nowhere to run.
No arms to embrace me.
No shoulder to lean on.
No hand to hold.

I'm just so alone that it's killing me softly from the inside.

my life is a big question.

People think guys are tough inside and out. People think they're all about brawn, looking cool, being that talented one, that air of mystery around them. But not me. I'm not like the others.

I'm nowhere near being muscular, I'm nowhere near being cool, and I never have an air of mystery around me. I'm just who I am, simple Sam, who lives his life like an open book.

I share my life with everyone close to me.
I tell them my problems.
I share my joys with them.
I attribute my success to them.

I listen to their problems.
I hear their miseries.
I feel their pain.
I know their sorrows.

But will no one be me, for me?
Am I to live as I have, forever?
Even having music with me throughout isn't enough.

Meh.

People are drifting away.
Ripple by ripple.
Soon I'll be in the middle.
With just a small puddle around me.
Where have they gone?

Things are falling apart.
Doing what I can to intervene.
Be the listening ear.
Offer advice and show care.
Provide comfort.

Trying to stay neutral.
Examine my heart well.
Think through my thoughts thoroughly.
Is it real?
How will I ever know?

This time of my life.
It really isn't mine.
It's anyone's but mine.
So how do I live?
When I barely have time for myself?

Looking ahead...

So this week we're back to lectures, and some small practical sessions here and there. Ever since this week, I'm much more confident in my IV cannulation and infusion skills. This week marks my seventh IV session, and I see myself getting more hits in the first try. Although I still need to be more accurate during the first entry...

Days in camp are boring. Everyone seems to have someone to talk to, whether it's their girlfriend or friends (yeap, with the 's'). Not that I don't, but it's just so sporadic. The rest are pretty much on the phone replying to other people, all the time, and I'm just listening to music, all the time. Just lying on my bed doing nothing. Either that, or spend the night time studying. At least trying to be productive in this content-heavy course.

What a life...

Anyway. Thinking about joining the Navy as an underwater medic. Small chance of getting in really. Then again, you have to be chosen. You don't get to choose these kind of things. The only thing you can do is to /express interest/, and we all know know how much that works in here...it's not that reliable at all.

Either way, it would be pretty cool. Well at least it sounds cool. I'm gonna ask all about it when the Navy guys come down for the talk. I won't even need to try to stay awake. I'll be wide awake hahahahaha. Got chance to change colour...

:/

The youngest ward mission leader in Singapore spends his whole Sunday in church with little time to himself before booking in to camp to live a whole new week of worldliness forced upon him.

Why is it so tough?
Tired everyday, without the luxury of time. Saturday is pretty much the only day that I'm "free", but even then there's ward correlation meeting at 3pm and then Institute at 4pm to 5.30pm.

Seriously, sometimes I wish I can just take a break from all this stuff...but I can't...this is really called suck thumb sia...

But that's not the only thing bothering me. Lately I've been feeling lonely. Weird since I'm always surrounded by people, but nonetheless, still lonely. Reminds me of Bublé's "Home" which sings "may be surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone".

Punk.

My section mate is weird.
So freaking weird.

He's annoying, a pain in the butt, and everybody dislikes him. Best of all? He sleeps beside me.

He stepped on my bed. (Oh yes he did)
He steals my snacks.
He snatches my snacks.
He threatened me repeatedly to empty out my foot locker (which has all my snacks).
He doesn't bring any hangers (I even lent him 2 because he didn't have any at first, but I took them back because he's too LAZY to bring his own, saying it's for weak people).
He leaves his clothes ON the table that the whole bunk shares to air.
He talks a whole bunch of nonsense.
He annoys people (especially me) with his cursed attitude.
He thinks he's the best.
He doesn't wipe dry after a shower (saying that he'll offend the water god).
He thinks that everyone in this course is the "worst medic in the world".
He speaks a derogatory language, calling people fools, and many more, among his wide range of limited vocabulary.

Just because you studied biotech in poly, it doesn't mean that you're the best cadet here.

He really gets on my nerves.
I might end up punching him for real some day.

When we counter his arguments, he just says "shut up lah (insert name), noisy sia you".

This week he didn't bring his rank and formation tab because his "maid put it somewhere else, f*** her". Wow. Just...wow. You don't do your own laundry, you don't fold your clothes even, and you're blaming someone else for something YOU forgot? I have tolerance for most people, but not people like you. Prideful punk. How the heck did you even get a girlfriend. How does she live with you. What does she even see in you, my goodness.

There was this one occasion where he said he was going to falcon punch me (seriously...), and I dared him. He faked a punch, I stepped back once, and said "scared for what. See this (pointing to his rank), it means that you're lower than me. And I wasn't even going to punch you. It means you're scared of "nothing"."

I pointed to my rank and said that it's the same as his, so I'm not lower than him. I faked a forward step at him a with a clenched fist at my waist, and he retreated three steps and protected his face with both arms (he really did). I said to him "wow you're the one who is scared".

He said some other stuff that I don't remember now. But yeah. I really can imagine me punching/kicking him someday. And I see him holding it in while lying on the floor in a fetal position. And no I'm not kidding, I really have it in me to do something like that. It's already week 4 and I'm wondering how I haven't done it already.

So who is this guy?
He's the one that sleeps beside me everyday.