lets play in the rain. since the feeling doesnt go away.

its been 4 days since the last of my exams this semester. feeling so much less-burdened by it, now that its over. i've been working on my Beyond 5 pictures and the watermark for the Stake. and i've been playing quite a fair bit too. so far i have 50plus pictures of Beyond 5 concert, about 16 for Beats And Pieces, (oh i havent gone through the fanmeet ones yet...) and 9 for the soundcheck. i also have 6 designs for the watermark. gonna compile mine with mathias' and then we'll decide on the top few, then send them to the Stake to decide which ones they wanna use. hope it all works out well. once that is done, we'll proceed with the uploading of the watermarked pictures and then we'll publish them everywhere.

i wonder what its like to have a calling as a Stake Photographer. LOL. that's one slacker calling ah. probably one that lasts a lifetime hahahaha. but when events come along, they'll call and i'd be busy. i wonder if stake photographers are called to shoot for weddings for members. and i wonder if im gonna get paid for it. but i'd have to set up a contract first, and that is the risky part. im hesitant about wedding photography. VERY HESITANT. i dont wanna get sued broke man. say bye to my mission fund.

if the photography takes us places, i guess only mathias and i will be in the team. sorry, the other photographer's pictures really didnt make the cut. i dont even think he used a DSLR. they're so grainy and OOF and so much motion blur. i dont think he edited them either. but if he did, it doesnt make much difference. im still waiting for the video clips of Beats And Pieces because Ying Er requested for them. its been about a week or so and i still dont have it. i cant contact the videographer. he probably gets my mails and texts but doesnt wanna reply. okay lorh...


communication and teamwork is so important.
maybe they dont take me seriously because im younger than them.
but they dont know all the pictures i have under my belt.
and the quality of them.

too bad i dont have a large audience to back that up.
thats pretty awful to know.




HIGHJACK.
HIJACK.
JACK.
JACK'S PLACE.

im hungry now.







its raining right now, wonderful cool weather. i wanna go places but i dont know where to go. i guess i should go on a photoshoot of my own. i wanna get pictures of the rain.

Etude House Pink Play Party tomorrow, and my kit lens has mould. i wanna cry. i hope it doesnt mess up my pictures (though i think it already has). i needa send it in for repair and cleaning asap :( probably after A-PRINCE though. they're coming this friday. i think saturday too. oh and eva's gone already i guess. she still thinks it amazing that i know Ohio State University lol. is it really that much of a mystery?

met claire yesterday. i went down after my sacrament lol. i forgot that 2nd ward starts at 10am and not 9am. so when i went down, obviously there wasnt anybody. walao then bro charlie saw me waiting at the carpark then asked me "so sam who's the girl". a while later, bishop yow came along and said "sam waiting for your girlfriend ah" im like WHOA. he knows....? O.O

but anyway. i went up to gospel principles class. once that was done we moved on to the final hour for EQ class. midway, i got a message from an unknown number, but it was claire, saying that she'd be leaving in 2minutes. i rushed down but the stupid door wouldnt open even after pressing the release button a million times. i saw her send a text, and started walking. my phone vibrated. message received. didnt check and then made the big round by the rear door, and that took extra time. i ran out but managed to catch her before she crossed the road. passed her the bracelet i got from van, and the letter i wrote for her. she said she was late so i told her to go quickly. i didnt have time to watch her go or send her off to the mrt since i left in the middle of class, so i went back.



time flies. five months.
i wonder what we'd be like if things were better.

so far the only one who knows is wong ming. he's been there for me throughout. great guy. i dont plan to publish it to a lot of people. there's like no way for me to repay him sia he's better than me in almost everything. almost. i guess. but that 'almost' pretty much encompasses 'everything' too.



i dont show it, but im still hanging on to nothing.
heh. getting over it isnt as simple as i thought it would be.
how long is this longing feeling gonna last, i wonder.

Shglslyb HDTV

I recall having two dreams last night (sunday night) when I woke up. First one took place in SP Moberly, level 3. I was training with the dojo again. I met Danielle and yi yan, and I remember saying "wow I'm still welcome here". After that, next dream. 

Fast one right lol. 

This one is a bit lengthier. I only remember 2 parts now, but I'm sure it was longer than this. Firstly, I was with my flute section. We were in some place in China for a competition or something official along those lines. I was a chaperon of some kind, but definitely a high-ranking guy. My juniors were ordering food while seates at a round and there was this guy telling them to pay 500yuan. They kept saying no, but I stepped in and said "200yuan" (or whatever you call their currency). The guy turned around from his stopping posture, gave me a small glare, and said "okay fine, 200yuan" and then walked away. One of my juniors beckoned me closer and so I leaned forward. She said that he guy just now had something up his sleee - literally. When he came back, I took more special notice of his wright wrist. And that's where I saw the blade. 

It was a thin blade, one that could cut for sure. The next thing I knew, we were fighting already lol. But this is where I woke up. 

Bopian ah. Got exam. 

WERD DAE

well.

stayed back today to do DBD slides for friday's presentation after we ended school at 1130hrs. ongfr took the extra half hour to explain more questions. im pretty much dead for his paper on tuesday. i dont understand 80% of all his stuff.

monday is RPBA
tuesday is BIOMECH
wednesday is BIOMAT.

im fine with biomaterials. RPBA....a lot to remember. biomech...calculations everywhere that makes me wanna cry. and all that stupid theory here and there. goshhhhhhhhhhhhh. GPA gonna be pulled down because of that stupid module. 4 credits sia. tsk. hope molgenbio saves me at least.

anyway. the slides are pretty much done. missing quite a number of stuff but considering what we had on hand, we did quite well. zicong did all the work while i was talking to matthew about his isokinetic project -.- im so baddddd.

once that was done, i had him send it over to me, then we left. matthew stayed back to do what he could for the project report. we met jess on the bridge, saw dawn leave to take the bus and then caught up with van while she was just about to go up the escalator. said hi to her abruptly and she said "whoa that scared me" and i was like LOLOKAY in my head. since the train already arrived i was going up the escalator, she just stood there. then on second thought, she rushed up the escalator with zicong and me ahhahaha.

managed to get in to the train before the doors closed. and somehowwwwwwww the conversation started off with me lol. how has my relationship been going on so far, how long already, blablabla. oh well. then zicong being the zicong that he is, his weird/awkward comments started coming in (as usual) and then me and van were like HMMMOKAYYYYYYYYYY hahhahahha. i made a few retarded OKAYYYYYYyyyyy faces and van was laughing away lol wth XP

jurong east came around and so zicong and  i headed over to the red line. and he started asking me questions like whats the use of a relationship, why get into one. he said that he doesnt see the need to be in a relationship and all those kind of stuff. so he asked me why why why and aaaaaaall the long shizam and so i tried my best to explain. ITS TOUGH since he doesnt have the same perspective. he's going on about "i dont need anybody else to depend on but myself" and "why do you need someone else".

he's the strong one. but i dont know, we all have our own opinions on love and stuff like that. his opinion is the strongheaded one. i told him that sooner or later, there's gonna be this one point in his life that he's gonna need someone to back up him, to support him. and he went like.."NO".

LOL. OKAY CAN.









funny how today turned out, with the recent events. talked about my relationship, my opinions on it, and what i like about my girlfriend the whole way back till he alighted at cck. the rest was all music until i saw this honey bee in the train. it flew to the empty seat on my right, sat at the top, and rested there. i observed it aaaaaaall the way until marsiling. LOL. i was a bit tempted to pick it up and drop it off at marsiling..its kinda furry~


:3

the truth - kris allen

For now, this will have to do.

but i have not said anything yet.
tomorrow.
i'll say something tomorrow.
promise.




sigh.

Alas.

Here goes.

It's about time that I finally get a better grasp of what they mean when then say "it's better to be loved than to love". 

At first I disliked it. I disliked the statement so much. In my opinion at that time, it was such a selfish thing to say, a selfish thing to event want. It made me cringe when someone says it. 

"Shattered" - OAR

But thankfully it wasn't really said frequently by anybody. It would be only those rare times when someone says it. But still. I didn't like it. 

Then there comes me. The guy who doesn't like hearing things like that. A lot's been on my mind lately, and so I've only been listening to a select few songs: the ones I NEED to hear. Lately, I've been doing some coordinating here and there, studying, worrying, whatsapp-ing...and the list goes on and on. Some stuff came up, and that one thing got me quite well. My travel time has thus been spent thinking and analyzing, when I should have been studying or preparing the lesson for this Sunday's EQ class. 

There isn't much that I've got to say about what I've thought about so far. Ironic. Spending time to think, but having little to say in the end. But here it is: it IS better to be loved than to love. I admit, I agree with the statement. 

But it doesn't change my standpoint. I still dislike it. And that makes me feel bad. Because I know that I feel it too, that it is better to be loved than to love. Here's my explanation which, I'm sure, many would agree with. 

Being loved

Vs

Loving someone

The reason why I said that it was a selfish sentence is because when someone loves you, you'd feel appreciated, cherished, important, needed. No form of work is required on your side, and you reap all that love: just for being who you are. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you're being loved, trust me on that.

But unfortunately for you, the reader, is that you can't really trust me on that. 

You see, I wasn't on the receiving end. 

The side of the rope that I was holding is this one, the one that the sentence calls "the one who loves". Not the one who is being loved; aka, the one doing all the loving. It's hard work. I never thought that it would be, actually, but hey, since when did people provide classes and lessons on love? Learn it on your own, or ask someone about it. For me, I learned it the hard way. I was never one to ask anybody else about stuff like this. 

"It is better to be loved than to love". It takes a lot of effort. And sometimes, things go awry, and you've got nobody else to put the blame on except yourself. Why? Because you're chilling with a person who doesn't love you back. Or, at least, they don't show it. Benefit of the doubt. It's ultimately your choice that you're with that certain someone. You decided to put yourself in that spot. You knew the possible outcomes, you weighed it, and decided to give it a shot. Well, here's the part where the other end of the deal comes back to you. 

Consequences are roped in together with the choice of action that you take. In the case of being "the one who loves", you're tied with having to feel unappreciated , alone at times, and just "not the right thing". 

"Anakin's Dream" - John Williams

The things you do never really achieve the intended results. Simply because you're the one who is doing all the loving, and the other person is the one who sucks up all your effort and ultimately feel better at the end of the day. But hey, isn't love supposed to be a two-way thing? It should right? Well, unfortunate for you, and unfortunate for me. This is our role. Just too bad for us. 

"As Time Goes By" - Yoon Mi Rae

Sure, when you see them happier because of your efforts, I'm sure you'd be happy. I mean, who wouldn't? You did something for someone, they are happier, so NATURALLY you should be happier as well. 

Well, yes you are. But it doesn't last. Because the next time in the near future, you're gonna do the exact same thing, and again, and again, and again. Look at it this way: you're giving, they're taking. Set this on repeat. Notice something? 

You're missing out. 

To help in my future illustration, think of it as bank account with all your savings. You're paying for your living expenses to survive, and your meager job doesn't give much space for you to enjoy a holiday or something where you can just relax. So you're stranded down on your dollar. With whatever you can do with that dollar, you place it in a bank, or in an investment. Supposedly that there's growth based on the principal, your total should increase. And it does!! Good. And even better, a chance to go on a holiday comes along. No worries about work, lodging, food. Your worries are down the drain for the one you spend on that vacation. 

But here comes the problem: your investment hasn't grown much, the interest rate is a bit more than enough to get you an extra cup of milo. 

The chance of you going on that trip, dashed to pieces. You make do with what you can then: you get your cup of milo, and give it to the homeless person by the road. 

Any memories made? None. Just a happy feeling that dies off when you sleep at night. 

-end of illustration-

Draw the parallels on your own if you can. But if you didn't catch my drift still, here's what I'm driving at: you're investing in something. You don't have much, but there WILL be growth, no matter how much. In the end, you find out that the returns are small. You can't do much with it. But you made someone's day, at the very least. And that's all there is to it. 

You're tied down by this gratification. This short lived gratification. It brightens up your day, but dies the very next day. 

It's exactly what I'm trying to point out. As the one who loves, you're putting your dollars into an investment. That investment brings happiness for a short while, but you still wanna keep doing it because of that happiness, even though you gain nothing (absolutely nothing, or close to nothing) out of it. It doesn't reciprocate. 

Some term it as a bad investment, and unfruitful investment. Simply said, a waste of time and effort and money. But you keep going with it. It makes to happy, even for a short while. 

So let's all be realistic here and ask the big question: why go on, when it doesn't reciprocate. Sure you get some happiness out of it, but that's all you get. Don't you want more? Something real, something that reciprocates?

Don't we want more? Well, don't we ALL want more? There'll never be enough for any one person. So why do we carry on? What is it that compels us to keep giving when we get nothing in return? Well, reasons vary between individuals. I have my own reasons for carrying on, and you would have your own reasons. But probably, just probably, one thing that links us all together is that we want that happiness. That small amount of happiness. It is an investment after all. Who knows what the returns might be in the future? 

And so it is with us. We keep trying, and we keep waiting. Waiting for that big event when our efforts finally pay off. 

If it ever pays off. 

Helpless, hopeless, plain stupidity, a waste of time, self-pity, you name it. I accept it all. But you'd be damned the moment our returns increase twenty fold. All your condemning falls back on you. You have no more to say, you have lost the fight.  

"Unquiet Mind" - Exist Strategy

Of course, some of us lose the fight even before it has concluded. They close the book even before they finish reading it. And many times I wonder if I would ever be like them. 

Don't put them down saying that they are weak-hearted. You are the ones who "are loved". Your stories are more exciting and engaging than ours. 

Many times I lose track of myself. Thoughts like "I don't know how long more I can hold out, can I just quit?" and "there's nothing at the end, is there?" appear frequently. Sometimes it's a haunt and a stalker. Every time you fight that thought, it shuns away for a while, but comes back again later. For me, these happen when I experience disagreements. The haunts and stalks are scary. You begin to doubt not only yourself, but also the people around you. 

And this is exactly why "it is better to be loved, than to love". 

Which one would you choose? The one who is loved? Or the one who loves? If I had the choice presented to me, I would choose to be loved. So much less pain and suffering. The nightmares gone, filled with happy thoughts. People to be there for you when you don't have to be there for them. 

So which would you choose?

But before you decide, were you ever given a chance to choose? What if you were in my shoes? I never wanted any of this pain. But it came knocking on the doors of my eyes and walked right in. 

"Take It All Away" - Ryan Cabrera
"The Truth" - Kris Allen

MY FRIENDZ!!

oh and yeah. i found this korean indie duo.

presenting to you....
J RABBIT!!!

please go ahead and let the name get to you. they are CUTE. well, at least the vocalist is. pretty like siao. i go mad everytime she does something cute ><
here's a link!!

youtube link!!

their official web page is here :)

i really like their covers!! and their songs oh so cool :)
english isnt bad either!! i cant get the names somehow.. :(
but i really wish that they come to singapore to perform ><
i gotta look for opportunities...talk to some people, work out some sponsors, stuff like that.

ouhhhh the day that they come to perform would be HEAVENLY. i'd skip school to spend a day or so with them. get pictures taken OF them, pictures WITH them, videos together....ohmy. but they are the stars after all.

but i'd faint still.

J RABBIT!!
IM A FRIENDZ!!






okay i just found this.
JUNG HYE-SUN you look so young i wish you were my age ㅠ.ㅠ

anyhoos.

tomorrow is supposed to be a great day. but since plan(s) cancelled....


anyhoos.

i am in control of my day and how it will turn out.
good or bad, its all up to me.
i cannot let anyone ruin it for me, because its my day and not theirs.
i'll pick myself up everytime i feel down, because im the only one who can do it.
i'll look for the glimmer of sunlight, all amidst the dark berating storms.
i'll be happy, even when the odds are low.

even though plan(s) are cancelled, its friday still. ending school early!! 12pm :) and i wont stay back in school no matter what. FYP will have to wait another week. because i deserve this rest. but even then, i will still need to study for the DBD test thats on wednesday...sigh.

piling work to do.
fleeting happiness to catch.
my net's too small.

but i will be happy still.
at least i have a net to begin with :)





begin and end your day with a smile, because its the best thing you can ever do for yourself
:)