Solitaire

[27 Dec]

Going back home today from church was the most "real" and lonely journey I have ever had in a long time. Usually I'd be alone, or at least have music in my ears. But today, I waited after church for Ming to finish his tithing settlement. After that we stayed back for some time so onson could drive us back. We ended up talking all the way, with the exception of me. I slept all the way. 

In the end he couldn't drive us back, so we had to take the train instead. Okay. Reached Newton MRT and waited for daniel's girlfriend because she wanted to go to Woodlands to change her watch or something. Waited for a while only. So yeah. There I sat on the bench. Daniel and his Girlfriend on my left, Ming and Trish on my right. 

Yeap. Ming told me "eh don't lonely leyh" but what good did that do? I just laughed out loud, sneaked a smirk, and laughed on the inside at myself about how ridiculous this situation was. 

I waited over 2hours to practically go home alone. 

On the journey back home, I stood for a while, then found a seat, slept for a bit, and then stayed awake for the rest of the time, all the while staring blankly outside the window opposite me. It took me a lot of effort to not look at just one spot and let my mind wander. I didn't want to look like I was the odd one out, but I guess it's something that couldn't be avoided no matter how much any of us tried. 

Well, too late for any of that now. 

Everybody alighted at where they should, and so did I. Walking back home was so much easier once I had music in my ears. Everything felt so much more normal now (even though at the back of my mind I knew nothing had changed). 

Oh well. I should have just gone home on my own first if I knew things would turn out the way they did. Perhaps I should hang out with couples less often -.-

I'm falling, falling, but I wonder if anybody's there to save me

[22 Dec]

"I'd rather have bad times with you, than good by myself"

Lieing here in bed, just chilling and resting, because today was such a crazy day. Took the cadets for their bandaging and immobilisation test for the whole morning all the way from 8am till 12.30pm without any food in my stomach. Started KED in the afternoon from 2pm onwards till 4+pm, then had a 4km run immediately after that. Front scout (again) and it made me super shag. It's been so long since I've ever exercised, then suddenly one 4km come out, plus tio front scout also...die lah...didn't eat dinner at cookhouse because there was turkey in the mess (for Christmas!!). So I went there after the whole day ended. 

Helped myself to turkey 😏😏

Ate as much as I wanted, as much as I could. I saw the pretty ME2 Ting Ting at the mess!! But okay. She left soon after. I watched some TV, enjoyed the aircon for a while, then figured out that I was still tired and dirty and sweaty, so I forced myself to leave the comfort of the sofa, and go back to bunk to shower. I was pretty tired so I just sat on my bed and leaned against the wall. 

And then I fell asleep. 

I don't know how long I was our, but I woke up kinda groggy, and almost asked Ridhwan if the shower was cold. Lol of course it is cold. It is forever cold. Dragged myself to the toilet and took a good shower. The cold water made me wake up. 

Took a slow slow ending to the day...but I'm still stuck in my head. Stuck in my thoughts and my emotions, and I can't get myself out. Really really need to find a way to get out of this mess...

  

Poison

[18 Dec]

The poison of being in love cuts down deep and kills you slowly. 

When you know what it's like, that joy and freedom, and suddenly it's snatched from your grasp. 

Over time, you crave for those moments again. 

You do what you can to relive or resurrect those precious times.

But it never happens. 

Only to have the memory haunt and taunt you. 

[20 Dec]

I dreamt that I had you. 

He asked you out for a date, but you told him that I had already asked you. 

Librerating. 

[22 Dec]

It's your birthday today. 

I wished you over WhatsApp. 

You were online the whole time, but only read it 40minutes after. 

And you left me hanging. 

Why do we still go back to the people from the past? Do we not move on, dying to live in the future, unbound from these skeletons that haunt us from days gone by? 

"Say something I'm giving up on you"

Time for a talk with Alison. I can't keep this in me any longer. It kills. This poison that takes us all, in one way or another. And why is it that the antidote for this poison is itself? What logic is this? Do people combat unhappiness with itself? Do people end being overburdened with workload by tasking themselves to accomplish more? Do governments end poverty by spending more?

So why is love the antidote for the lack of itself? I'm haunted by the past, and it's eating me alive. 

reflect

[16 Dec]

Boring route march last night. Assigned to be front scout again, although that probably suited me the most. I didn't wanna interact with the cadets because they keep disappointing us. Yeah, either front or rear scout for me. 

Showered, began to air my uniform, changed up to admin then went out for second dinner with CSI and the other Instructors. He treated all of us to prata because he got his bonus already!! I had the usual egg cheese floss, but decided to try the chocolate prata. Not what is thought it would be but it was alright. Dinner was great. Didn't think that CSI was so funny since he always was very strict in carrying out his duties. But as we had meetings and discussions, I have found out that he's actually a really pleasant person to work with. 

Went back to bunk after all that, brushed teeth, use phone a bit and read some manga, then went to sleep.

I dreamt about you. I dreamt that we were just hanging out, chilling. He wasn't there, which made the world of a difference. We were so cool. We were going places, and just talked all the way through, enjoying each other's presence. 

But then I woke up. I checked the time, and it was 0535hrs. One of the junior Instructors was supposed to take breakfast this morning, but was on leave so he left last night. He assigned someone else to take breakfast for him, but when I looked over, the guy was dead asleep. I contemplated for half a minute on whether I should let this guy "miss" taking the breakfast or not, but decided to just do it in his place. I brushed teeth, washed my face, drank lotsa water as usual, then went back to bunk to put on my shoes. But the other guy had woken up already, although he was 2mins away from being late. I was all ready to go when he asked me how come I wake up. 

I said that he hadn't woken up to take the course for breakfast a moment ago so I had decided to take it for him. He said he got set alarm and that I didn't need to wake up (well it was the other guy who told me to wake up also in case this fella didn't wake up). Me being me, and my body clock always waking me up, I had gotten up. But since this guy was already up, he said that he would take the course for breakfast. So I let him take lorh. 

Firstly, I was quite annoyed firstly that I had woken up from that awesome dream. 

Secondly, this guy was supposed to take breakfast and had not woken up yet despite it being so close to the time that he needed to be downstairs. 

So, yeah. Bad morning. 

The course has lectures on for the whole day, and since I'm not the duty instructor for the day, it means that it's a full sleep in day for me. Yes, it's already 1048hrs now and I have not gotten out of bed. Shiok. 

refract

I don't know what's up with you. 

I gave the signals. 

You returned the signal. 

I returned them back to you again. 

But then you pushed me away. 

And so I backed off. 

And now you're back to sending me the signals again. 

Whaaaaaaaaat...

So today I just took them in, sent lousy signals back to you. Now I'm gonna wait. I'll see what happens. 

Perhaps today I should have taken you in, shown you more attention. But you were so far away, so distant...

tenth of december

Don't kiss me baby

We can never be

So don't add more pain

Please don't hurt me again

I have spent so many nights thinking of you

Longing for your touch

I have once loved you so much

============

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do

So I sit down and I cry too

But don't let her see

And she says 

"Ooh, I can't take no more"

Her tears like diamonds on the floor

Her diamonds bring me down

Cuz I can't help her now

She's down in it

She tries her best 

But now she can't win it

How, to see them on the ground

Her diamonds bring me down 

She shuts out the night

Tries to close her eyes

She can't find delight

Will she be alright

She'll be alright

Just not tonight