the truth - kris allen

For now, this will have to do.

but i have not said anything yet.
tomorrow.
i'll say something tomorrow.
promise.




sigh.

Alas.

Here goes.

It's about time that I finally get a better grasp of what they mean when then say "it's better to be loved than to love". 

At first I disliked it. I disliked the statement so much. In my opinion at that time, it was such a selfish thing to say, a selfish thing to event want. It made me cringe when someone says it. 

"Shattered" - OAR

But thankfully it wasn't really said frequently by anybody. It would be only those rare times when someone says it. But still. I didn't like it. 

Then there comes me. The guy who doesn't like hearing things like that. A lot's been on my mind lately, and so I've only been listening to a select few songs: the ones I NEED to hear. Lately, I've been doing some coordinating here and there, studying, worrying, whatsapp-ing...and the list goes on and on. Some stuff came up, and that one thing got me quite well. My travel time has thus been spent thinking and analyzing, when I should have been studying or preparing the lesson for this Sunday's EQ class. 

There isn't much that I've got to say about what I've thought about so far. Ironic. Spending time to think, but having little to say in the end. But here it is: it IS better to be loved than to love. I admit, I agree with the statement. 

But it doesn't change my standpoint. I still dislike it. And that makes me feel bad. Because I know that I feel it too, that it is better to be loved than to love. Here's my explanation which, I'm sure, many would agree with. 

Being loved

Vs

Loving someone

The reason why I said that it was a selfish sentence is because when someone loves you, you'd feel appreciated, cherished, important, needed. No form of work is required on your side, and you reap all that love: just for being who you are. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you're being loved, trust me on that.

But unfortunately for you, the reader, is that you can't really trust me on that. 

You see, I wasn't on the receiving end. 

The side of the rope that I was holding is this one, the one that the sentence calls "the one who loves". Not the one who is being loved; aka, the one doing all the loving. It's hard work. I never thought that it would be, actually, but hey, since when did people provide classes and lessons on love? Learn it on your own, or ask someone about it. For me, I learned it the hard way. I was never one to ask anybody else about stuff like this. 

"It is better to be loved than to love". It takes a lot of effort. And sometimes, things go awry, and you've got nobody else to put the blame on except yourself. Why? Because you're chilling with a person who doesn't love you back. Or, at least, they don't show it. Benefit of the doubt. It's ultimately your choice that you're with that certain someone. You decided to put yourself in that spot. You knew the possible outcomes, you weighed it, and decided to give it a shot. Well, here's the part where the other end of the deal comes back to you. 

Consequences are roped in together with the choice of action that you take. In the case of being "the one who loves", you're tied with having to feel unappreciated , alone at times, and just "not the right thing". 

"Anakin's Dream" - John Williams

The things you do never really achieve the intended results. Simply because you're the one who is doing all the loving, and the other person is the one who sucks up all your effort and ultimately feel better at the end of the day. But hey, isn't love supposed to be a two-way thing? It should right? Well, unfortunate for you, and unfortunate for me. This is our role. Just too bad for us. 

"As Time Goes By" - Yoon Mi Rae

Sure, when you see them happier because of your efforts, I'm sure you'd be happy. I mean, who wouldn't? You did something for someone, they are happier, so NATURALLY you should be happier as well. 

Well, yes you are. But it doesn't last. Because the next time in the near future, you're gonna do the exact same thing, and again, and again, and again. Look at it this way: you're giving, they're taking. Set this on repeat. Notice something? 

You're missing out. 

To help in my future illustration, think of it as bank account with all your savings. You're paying for your living expenses to survive, and your meager job doesn't give much space for you to enjoy a holiday or something where you can just relax. So you're stranded down on your dollar. With whatever you can do with that dollar, you place it in a bank, or in an investment. Supposedly that there's growth based on the principal, your total should increase. And it does!! Good. And even better, a chance to go on a holiday comes along. No worries about work, lodging, food. Your worries are down the drain for the one you spend on that vacation. 

But here comes the problem: your investment hasn't grown much, the interest rate is a bit more than enough to get you an extra cup of milo. 

The chance of you going on that trip, dashed to pieces. You make do with what you can then: you get your cup of milo, and give it to the homeless person by the road. 

Any memories made? None. Just a happy feeling that dies off when you sleep at night. 

-end of illustration-

Draw the parallels on your own if you can. But if you didn't catch my drift still, here's what I'm driving at: you're investing in something. You don't have much, but there WILL be growth, no matter how much. In the end, you find out that the returns are small. You can't do much with it. But you made someone's day, at the very least. And that's all there is to it. 

You're tied down by this gratification. This short lived gratification. It brightens up your day, but dies the very next day. 

It's exactly what I'm trying to point out. As the one who loves, you're putting your dollars into an investment. That investment brings happiness for a short while, but you still wanna keep doing it because of that happiness, even though you gain nothing (absolutely nothing, or close to nothing) out of it. It doesn't reciprocate. 

Some term it as a bad investment, and unfruitful investment. Simply said, a waste of time and effort and money. But you keep going with it. It makes to happy, even for a short while. 

So let's all be realistic here and ask the big question: why go on, when it doesn't reciprocate. Sure you get some happiness out of it, but that's all you get. Don't you want more? Something real, something that reciprocates?

Don't we want more? Well, don't we ALL want more? There'll never be enough for any one person. So why do we carry on? What is it that compels us to keep giving when we get nothing in return? Well, reasons vary between individuals. I have my own reasons for carrying on, and you would have your own reasons. But probably, just probably, one thing that links us all together is that we want that happiness. That small amount of happiness. It is an investment after all. Who knows what the returns might be in the future? 

And so it is with us. We keep trying, and we keep waiting. Waiting for that big event when our efforts finally pay off. 

If it ever pays off. 

Helpless, hopeless, plain stupidity, a waste of time, self-pity, you name it. I accept it all. But you'd be damned the moment our returns increase twenty fold. All your condemning falls back on you. You have no more to say, you have lost the fight.  

"Unquiet Mind" - Exist Strategy

Of course, some of us lose the fight even before it has concluded. They close the book even before they finish reading it. And many times I wonder if I would ever be like them. 

Don't put them down saying that they are weak-hearted. You are the ones who "are loved". Your stories are more exciting and engaging than ours. 

Many times I lose track of myself. Thoughts like "I don't know how long more I can hold out, can I just quit?" and "there's nothing at the end, is there?" appear frequently. Sometimes it's a haunt and a stalker. Every time you fight that thought, it shuns away for a while, but comes back again later. For me, these happen when I experience disagreements. The haunts and stalks are scary. You begin to doubt not only yourself, but also the people around you. 

And this is exactly why "it is better to be loved, than to love". 

Which one would you choose? The one who is loved? Or the one who loves? If I had the choice presented to me, I would choose to be loved. So much less pain and suffering. The nightmares gone, filled with happy thoughts. People to be there for you when you don't have to be there for them. 

So which would you choose?

But before you decide, were you ever given a chance to choose? What if you were in my shoes? I never wanted any of this pain. But it came knocking on the doors of my eyes and walked right in. 

"Take It All Away" - Ryan Cabrera
"The Truth" - Kris Allen

MY FRIENDZ!!

oh and yeah. i found this korean indie duo.

presenting to you....
J RABBIT!!!

please go ahead and let the name get to you. they are CUTE. well, at least the vocalist is. pretty like siao. i go mad everytime she does something cute ><
here's a link!!

youtube link!!

their official web page is here :)

i really like their covers!! and their songs oh so cool :)
english isnt bad either!! i cant get the names somehow.. :(
but i really wish that they come to singapore to perform ><
i gotta look for opportunities...talk to some people, work out some sponsors, stuff like that.

ouhhhh the day that they come to perform would be HEAVENLY. i'd skip school to spend a day or so with them. get pictures taken OF them, pictures WITH them, videos together....ohmy. but they are the stars after all.

but i'd faint still.

J RABBIT!!
IM A FRIENDZ!!






okay i just found this.
JUNG HYE-SUN you look so young i wish you were my age ㅠ.ㅠ

anyhoos.

tomorrow is supposed to be a great day. but since plan(s) cancelled....


anyhoos.

i am in control of my day and how it will turn out.
good or bad, its all up to me.
i cannot let anyone ruin it for me, because its my day and not theirs.
i'll pick myself up everytime i feel down, because im the only one who can do it.
i'll look for the glimmer of sunlight, all amidst the dark berating storms.
i'll be happy, even when the odds are low.

even though plan(s) are cancelled, its friday still. ending school early!! 12pm :) and i wont stay back in school no matter what. FYP will have to wait another week. because i deserve this rest. but even then, i will still need to study for the DBD test thats on wednesday...sigh.

piling work to do.
fleeting happiness to catch.
my net's too small.

but i will be happy still.
at least i have a net to begin with :)





begin and end your day with a smile, because its the best thing you can ever do for yourself
:)

Ooyeah

Can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow. 

It's just over a week and I miss you like siao. I'm glad I wrote the letter. Cleared up my head so much more. Renewed efforts!! 

Can't wait for tomorrow. I hope things go smoothly. Like. As smooth as the wind. Whoooooosh~ 

Busy week. 

This is what I have to do for this week. Not including the gospel principles lesson I need to prepare. Or jeffrey. I dunno. He hasn't replied my SMS yet as to whether he's comin to church or not. But should be bah. I don't think he has duty on his Sunday. Hmmmm. He better not go inactive. I'll smack him upside down. And wming will smack him also. 

Can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow can't wait for tomorrow. 

:3

A dream maybe?

There was this one post on Band Confessions page about how cute/sweet a couple in band would be. And I totally agree!! Same school, same environment, same band, same conductor, maybe different sections (instruments), same this and same that. So many opportunities!! Then I began to wonder: what if I met my girlfriend in band. 

BOOOOOOOOM. What would we be like? Go to school together, have recess together, go home together, study together, play together. Who knows, maybe the conductor would even prepare a piece for our two instruments to have a beautiful duet together. That would be so awesomely cool!! 

In my NBSS Symphonic Band, there's a couple already. Drisman and dunno who. And they're so cute together ohmygosh it's like 'WARGHHHHHH' kinda cute. Drisman is the drum major so his gf sees the fierce side of him. And it good cuz she would know what he's like when he's strict and serious. Then after band they can go have dinner or something. Ohmygosh jelly. 

SO. What would it be like if it was ME in his position? Heh. I wonder!! 

My girlfriend would be th band major. And we'll lead the band together. Head the exco meetings together. Sit/eat together. Go home together and I school together. Lepak together with the band. Buy our own instruments together (if can lah). Bake cookies and other cool stuff together. Go shopping together. Go to parks and zoo and blablabla together. MUG TOGETHER. Spam each other on whatsapp and twitter (Facebook cannot ah got parents and others watching). Write letters to each other often. Go for events together. Plan our future together (a bit early ah so I dunno about this). But definitely GO AND SHOOT PICTURES TOGETHER. She could be my model or something. Whoaaaaaaa. 

But after that, comes the poly/JC problem. If we go to different institutions then how. Harder to meet up and spend time together. Got PW and GP and other nonsense subjects to do that takes up time. Homework and horrible teachers. But that builds the relationship too so idk anymore. It's gonna be more tough but you overcome challenges and rise up higher, no?

But none of that is happening to me. My girlfriend isn't from band. But she plays the piano well :) and I play the flute!! So....DUET HOR YOU READY??? Hahaha jkjk. really. Jkjk. 

Yes, although a relationship in band is super duper cute and awesome, I have something better than that!! I have a relationship in church and that beats everything else :) and it's not like as if she is sucking out my life and money and time also hor. Wheeeeeee~ ^^

Sorry ah we don't have that many pictures together. Only...2? Botanics that one. Or is it just 1 hahahha. But every couple is unique in their own ways so I'm more than happy to be in a relationship even :) 

I'm contented with what I have :) I don't know oif I'm gonna get more, or less, or lose some, but I'll still be happy. Just gotta make do with what you have right!!

Oh and random: I WANNA GET A NEW BAG HAHAHHA. Ali says her 4skin bag is like $30. I though $70+ sia. Cuz I asked her how much a raven bag is. Then she say about $100. I'm like "WTHECK" and she's like "yeah..." HAHAHAHAHHA. Then she say "get 4skin one ah" then after she told me this and that, I became like OKAY IM GONNA GO GET ONE hahaha. 

I live under a rock so I asked her where to get. Orchard central sia ALAMAK. Orchard got so many buildings and roads ah sian I'm gonna get lost. 

Smile!! Because it's the best thing you can do for yourself :)

Deliberationzxc.

Hmmmm. 

I've got my letter done. My head's a little clearer. But it isn't the same. The cons of being me.

I wanna send an SMS. But everytime I type it out, I delete the whole thing in the end. Words I wanna say ain't coming out. I just afraid. Afraid that whatever I say would erk you. 

Sigh. You have to see my letter at least. My mind would kill me if you don't. And I can't be too pushy about passing it to you either. 

Either way. I've got some guesses in my mind. And I'm losing the fight in my mind. 

Ew. 

Who writes that kinda stuff man seriously. 

Plus there's the message that hasn't been replied. It's like I'm killing myself from inside out. 

＂你长大了！！＂

"Sam you've grown up already!!"

Yeah. Right. 

Well. I think I'm still considered a kid. 

Or am I wrong?

I can't be wrong right. 

It seems so clear cut.